Introducing DC and new partner

[FallenFigs]

I’m interested in perspectives on introducing a new partner to DC - what has worked well, what really didn’t work well - obviously accepting that every family is different.

Some context. Split with DH last year, young teenage kids. Relationship over a long time ago but stayed for kids etc z. Eventually separated, Stbxh lives close by. DC stay with him 2/week. Relations between us wax and wane but generally get by. But there was no infidelity, betrayal etc. just the end of a chapter.

No intention of living with anyone else whilst DC are at home. Tried dating for a bit of fun and have met someone with very similar situation, intentions etc.

So there may come a time in the coming months where it would be appropriate for him to meet friends and family.

therefore I’m just looking for advice and perspectives on how to handle that with DC. And also what not to do! I can’t predict how they might react obviously but want to manage the situation as best I can.

No advice but bumping and following with interest!

Young teens is probably a difficult age. I personally keep any relationship separate to my teens, especially since their dad moved someone in they hardly knew (and her child) and now they won’t stay anymore. Just tread carefully, wait at least 6 months, probably longer if not seeing each other that often

@Zanatdy ideally I would keep it separate, but that potentially impacts on new partner meeting anyone in my life. My friends and family all have relationships with my DC and it wouldn’t feel right for them to be the last to know. I also suspect teenage DC are pretty perceptive about things that are being hidden.

do you mean 6 months of new relationship? I had been thinking possibly
longer. So that’s good!

But also not generally that comfortable keeping things from the DC medium to longer term.

I waited until I was really sure it was going somewhere - for me this took around 6 months. I had started mentioning bf to dc so they were aware of him (early teens)

What worked well for us was little and often, meals out, sports events, bowling but no overnight stays for about six months. We went on holiday around that time and it went well.

We are now around 3 years in and have all had Christmas together and it was really nice but I think the slow introduction and no rushing playing happy families really worked.

When I was a teen my parents divorced and both kept their new partners very much to themselves and I always felt ostracised and excluded so it was important to me to ultimately include the DC in my relationship - even though it is tempting to keep it separate for ease!

Thanks @Sidalee7 that's really interesting. When you began mentioning, was it in the context of a partner or in the context of a friend?

Interesting on your own experience. I read something written by an older teenager, saying similar, as in they wanted to feel included in their parent's life, as opposed to anything being kept from them. It's a balance though, isn't it.

I think I might mention to them that I am dating, just to ease them into the concept that I'm meeting new people and so on.

@FallenFigs I did say dating from the start which was met with “Eurgh” but that did wear off quickly!

and yes, such a balance but worth putting the ground work in - hope all goes well.

I’d tell them that you’ve got a friend, so that they know before they meet them. Then perhaps meet for a coffee/burger/kick around one day, so that it will only be for about an hour, then see how the kids want to proceed.

I think I'm going to mention dating in the coming weeks, then mention a name. I wouldn't even considering introducing them until mid-summer anyway, so that gives me a good few months to start mentioning.

There are things that come up that I hadn't considered. Like, when you see the kids after a weekend at their dad's, and they ask what you did. Erm....!