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Relationships

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Original poster

How to manage when you don't like DP very much

25 replies

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 12:16

This maybe won't make sense unless anyone is in the same boat.

Together 10 years, dc 6 and 3. Family life is good, the kids are very happy, we're in a good routine, DP could do more but he's not a sloth either. We both have good jobs so no money troubles.

The thing is I'm just not mad about DP. He talks about work and his niche interests a lot, I'm bored by it. I don't want to have sex much, and he just gets on my nerves a lot. If the dc are away with grandparents overnight I sort of dread it as it shows the chasm between us, we do much better with the dc there as they keep us busy.

Is this just long term relationships? Mild irritation but generally rubbing along OK?

DP says he's happy but would like more fun as a couple, which basically involves going out drinking then having a shag, I really can't drink anymore as it makes me so ill for days afterwards, but I encourage him to go out with mates, he goes on weekends away related to his hobby etc.

I think I'm just very independent (I never wanted to marry), and maybe not suited to living with a man long term, goodness knows. DP has lots of good points and is a decent guy, but he just gets on my nerves.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Goodbye2023 · 04/01/2024 12:20

Watching with interest as I am seriously thinking of imploding my entire life and home set-up because I need more 'something'. I don't even know what something is. Yet from the outside, I'm in a great but slightly dull relationship

RowanMayfair · 04/01/2024 12:23

Break up with him?!

minipie · 04/01/2024 12:26

There must be a reason you got together and stayed long enough to have kids together ? Has he changed, you changed or do you think you were always not that compatible but perhaps saw less of each other? Maybe you would be irritated by any other adult you lived with full time…?

Original poster

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 12:28

@Goodbye2023 sorry you're in the same boat! Do you think life would be easier / better alone?

@RowanMayfair I'm not sure that is what I want, the dc are really happy, I'm not necessarily unhappy, just a bit bored. Lots of my friends report feeling the same. Is it worth the upheaval of selling a house, arranging child contact, upending something that mostly works, just because DP talks a bit of waffle and wnats too many shags?

OP posts:

Iamanunsafebuilding · 04/01/2024 12:30

I know this is a bit trite but could you look at a shared interest or hobby? If it comes with a group you both meet new people with a shared interest and you both might make new friends as well as giving you something to talk about

GreyCarpet · 04/01/2024 12:34

What do you do in your life for yourself?

Friends? Hobbies?

You've said what his idea of fun is but what is yours?

When you imagine a better life, what does it look like?

Original poster

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 12:34

@minipie I'm definitely irritated by people a lot 😒 I'd not go on a womens weekend away for example as I'd be desperate to be on my own for a bit after a while. I think I've changed post dc, and maybe hoped he'd change a bit more than he has.

@Iamanunsafebuilding you know what, that's a bloody good idea. If we're doing something we're grand, I'll have a think about that suggestion, thank you.

OP posts:

StragglyTinsel · 04/01/2024 12:36

This is your sign to try to rebuild an
actual relationship with your husband.

If going out for a drink then having sex is not your idea of fun, find something else to do together and connect with each other.

A new shared interest might be able to turn this around. Pick something you’re interested in and invite him to get involved too.

You could also try relationship counselling. It is probably more likely to be effective if you come to it at this stage than if you leave it til you’re a seething mass of resentment and contempt

JungsWordTest · 04/01/2024 12:36

Sounds like you need more "you" in your life.

MonsteraMama · 04/01/2024 12:36

I personally couldn't live like this, but I'm a hopeless romantic and need the romance and love and passion in my life. I know plenty of people in relationships like yours however who make it work just fine - contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, there are many ways to have a successful relationship. These friends of mine live quite happily as independent people who are a good team, good parents, good friends who get along fine, but aren't really "into" eachother in the same way they maybe were at the beginning when hormones are all aflame. They could implode their lives to seek that high, risk it all that they might find someone they really fancy to romp with... but they don't, because they've decided that they're content to be content.

gannett · 04/01/2024 12:37

Did you use to like him? If there used to be something there - presumably the reason you decided to get married and have kids with this man - there's hope it can be rekindled, if both of you are prepared to put in the work. (The work will depend on who's changed most and why, I suppose. It may have to involve counselling.)

If you've never liked him much, well this is the bed you made and now have to lie in. Can't muster up sympathy for people who knowingly settled for someone they didn't even like, just because they didn't have the imagination or guts or whatever to live a life that wasn't the conventional partner-and-kids model. Just separate and be done with it.

GreyCarpet · 04/01/2024 12:38

JungsWordTest · 04/01/2024 12:36

Sounds like you need more "you" in your life.

Totally agree!

Original poster

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 12:38

@GreyCarpet that's a good question. The dc are mostly all consuming, but I enjoy meeting friends for lunch, climbing mountains, reading....I've not enjoyed nights out etc for years now - that's definitely a bone of contention.

I don't think life would be better alone, I can only imagine how hard it would be, but I just want DP to be more proactive with family life / housework / stop asking me stupid bloody questions/ leave me alone. God I sound like a harridan!

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 04/01/2024 12:40

GreyCarpet · 04/01/2024 12:34

What do you do in your life for yourself?

Friends? Hobbies?

You've said what his idea of fun is but what is yours?

When you imagine a better life, what does it look like?

Also wanted to ask this.

It sounds like a mid-life malaise?

GreyCarpet · 04/01/2024 12:41

And how many mountains have you climbed recently?

You either need to pick up old hobbies and interests or find new ones to do.

Sounds like you need a bit more excitement in your life, tbh.

But also this.

What was it like when you first got together? Were you happy or did you see him as a bit of a work in progress/project?

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 04/01/2024 12:43

Stupid question but do you get enough sleep? Due to an ongoing issue I haven't slept properly for 3 years. Dh irritated me simply by breathing during the night.... Changed our sleeping arrangements and getting some sleep now. The urge to plan a new patio is easing off. Lack of sleep is very damaging for your long term health too.

Mairzydotes · 04/01/2024 12:45

I have times where I feel a bit like you do .

Sometimes it's cos kids / work / life gets in the way of you being a couple.

Another point is that not all of us are the type to marry and live with another adult. We don't thrive in that environment.

Pagwatch · 04/01/2024 12:50

if i may say, i think there may be an extent to which you are deflecting some of the responsibilty for a lack of excitement and energy about your own life on to him. i get it. i did that too. and he did get predictable and that gets dull but thats life after decades of the necessary routine involved in creating a stable homelife. i eventually realised i had to make myself happy and persue new things if i wanted things to be different. it was at least in part a 'me' problem.
my advice would be to not sleepwalk through the next decade feeling vaguely unsatisified and thinking its him. whatever your issues now will multiple so fast whern your children leave home.

HoHoHoliday · 04/01/2024 12:53

"DP says he's happy but would like more fun as a couple, which basically involves going out drinking then having a shag, I really can't drink anymore as it makes me so ill for days afterwards"

There is so much more you could do for fun together than get drunk and have a meaningless drunken shag! Choose an activity that either you both enjoy, or a new activity that you are both willing to try. Commit to spending time together without getting drunk. Are you both invested in spending time together or is it a one-sided venture?
If you cannot find a way to have fun together then the relationship is doomed. You are already encouraging him to spend time with his mates away from you, I'm guessing you enjoy time away from him. If you aren't finding a way to enjoy coming back together then it's only a matter of time before one of you strays.
And you might think the kids are happy now but anyone who grew up with parents who couldn't bear to be together will tell you it's a horrible environment to grow up in.

londonloves · 04/01/2024 14:08

I feel the same. I don't know what to do. Our situation is a bit worse than what you describe but it feels like blowing up my life for a sense of "wanting more".

Original poster

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 15:28

There's lots of food for thought here. I don't want to be with anyone else, or to have some mad romantic affair, I'm happy to potter along, bring up the dc, I think I just wish DP was as self sufficient as me and not so bloody mithering at me. But he deserves to be be happy on his terms as much as I do on mine, so I'll need to compromise. He used to work away a lot and doesn't any more, maybe I'm just not used to him being there all the time.

OP posts:

Bestyearever2024 · 04/01/2024 15:39

Puddingpieplum · 04/01/2024 15:28

Start with that joint hobby PLUS a hobby for just you. Your hobby might be half a day a week simply being alone by the river reading a book and drinking from a flask of tea 😀

ToddlerMumma · 07/01/2024 14:22

I totally get what you're saying and feel just the same. Due to various circumstances I'm somewhat stuck
My New Year's resolution is to put me first more and do what I want. I think if I'm happier, I'll be able to put up with the irritation better

Mouseinthehouse24 · 07/01/2024 16:57

To offer another perspective, I don’t think not liking your partner is OK or sustainable. I’m surprised people can conceive of living like that, it’s not for me.
I think it’s very common, yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. Maybe you could try couples therapy?

The idea of getting more hobbies because you don’t like your partner is profoundly depressing IMO. It doesn’t seem like that’s your problem - the problem is you don’t like your DP! If you weren’t forced to stay together because of the kids it doesn’t sound like you would. And I don’t personally believe in staying together ‘for the kids’, it never ends well.

Could you afford to split?

Maray1967 · 17/03/2024 19:46

I’m not in that situation, OP, but I have a memory of feeling very low when mine asked me the most unbelievably tedious question about some soft drinks in the fridge. If he’d engaged his brain he wouldn’t have needed to ask. I made it clear that I wasn’t impressed.

I don’t like being mithered and I’m quite happy for long periods on my own. I’ve travelled on my own quite a lot and intend to again when retired. No doubt that will cause some comment but I couldn’t care less. I am also not coping very well with him working from home almost all the time.

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