Am I Overthinking ex-BF Behaviour?

[chrislt]

Me and my unborn son's father started out as a FWB situation which developed into us exclusively seeing eachother as a couple (never labelled bf/gf). This went on for about 1.5 years and I was quite needy and he was distant, which lead to arguments and ultimately breakup. We both hadn't processed our previous breakups with our previous partners so we both brought alot of baggage. Our ending was very dramatic, long drawn out and bitter, especially on my part.
We briefly continued to sleep together and I fell pregnant (August 2023). The first few weeks were fine, and we continued to spend time together and were still intimate. When he realised I was going to keep our son, he didn't take the news well, said some hurtful things and was very resentful. He told me that this baby will never bring us together and we will never be together so its best we stop sleeping together, but at times he still wanted to spend time together minus the sex. Confusing or what lol. I decided that we should stop any time spent and any communications unless its to do with the baby as I still had feelings, felt very hurt by what he had said and didn't like being platonic with him as opposed to being with him. Things also became very bitter due to resentment on both sides.
Communication stopped and we barely spoke and didn't see eachother outside of work. In work we said hello and pretty much avoided eachother. This went on for 2 months which brings us to end of December 2023.
Over xmas he began messaging me just for casual chats, as we had been discussing baby names and arranged for him to meet my parents (as he is the father of my child and they had never met) - the meeting went really well and we went buggy shopping afterwards, it was surprisingly enjoyable and my resentment towards him died down now he was taking an interest in our baby. He continued to message me everyday and asked if I wanted to come to his house to plan the baby shower together, and we also had our 20 week scan the next morning. I agreed, and we spent the evening watching films and bantering. He also cooked for me. I was planning on going home, but he asked if I was staying as the hospital was next to his house and it was late, it would have been easier to go together the next morning rather than me going home and coming back (even though I live 15 mins away). I agreed to stay, and we shared a bed. Nothing sexual happened, neither of us instigated anything but during the night and in the morning he was spooning me, and cuddling me, semi-naked...I got up and got dressed pretty soon. We went to the scan and spent the rest of the day together just cooking, chilling, watching films and planning the baby shower. He wasn't flirty but he was playful and would tease me here and there. We laughed a lot and also had comfortable silences. We talked about what our son would be like and whos nose he has according to the scans etc. It felt really natural and pressure free and I realised that I do miss him. I left at about 1am to go home.

So, the issue I am having, is that he told me that we won't be together, however, why would you invite someone (your Ex) who you claim you arent romantically interested in to stay the night when its not at all necessary? Why would you spoon and cuddle her? Why would you cook for her, her favourite foods? Why would you proceed to spend the whole next 24 hours with her just chilling in your home? Why would you message her almost everyday all day and sometimes even videocall?

Am I overthinking this?

To me it seems he is either over me, so he is okay with all this (although I do not behave like this with my male friends, especially who happen to be exes), or he is maybe overcoming his resentment and maybe wants to test waters to see if this could work? Or he could just be using me?

Please don't judge me, but I have been so hurt before, I don't dare rock the boat and ask him, only to face rejection again.

Should I remain as I am and see where things go? Or be honest that I felt confused?
The main reason we ended was because I needed constant reassurance and was quite emotionally demanding. I have been in therapy and working through my issues, and can already see a change in my behaviour and how I manage my emotions.

In the kindest possible way, please don't get your hopes up again over this man. People don't change and it is clear that you have deeper feelings for him than he has for you.

I don't know why he's behaving like he is, but you need to stop him. Put some boundaries in place. Be pleasant, but distant. You are going to co-parent separately. 'Spooning', cuddling, sharing a bed is a silly way to carry on. You know you are going to get hurt if you invest your hopes in him falling in love with you. He isn't.

It was never a relationship by the sound of it, and he was clear that he didn't want one. I think he's keeping you on ice in case he might want sex again with you if nothing better crops up, but he won't ever be the man you want him to be. If you are someone with insecurities who needs a lot of reassurance, please don't get involved with someone who isn't ever going to give you what you need. And this man isn't.

He has said you won't be together, you need to take him at his word and your relationship with him should be limited to the discussions you need to have about co-parenting. From what you say I think it's probable you will be left literally holding the baby most, if not all, of the time, you should certainly be prepared for that outcome.

You clearly have more feelings for him than he does for you.
He has told you quite clearly that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

However you are about to have a child so you need to stop fantasising about being with him and start working out how you are going to co-parent amicably.
It isn't going to be easy but try and separate your feelings for this man from the practicalities of having a baby between you. Work out what you NEED from him and what boundaries need to be in pace so that you dont get hurt. No more sleepovers or spending evenings together it just will cloud your judgement.

There's no reason why you can't still be friendly but dont let him keep you hanging on a thread.

Sounds like he's reconciled to being a father and coparenting. He needs a good close friendship with you for that to work

I'd known my baby mother only a few months before she got pregnant (only one ovary, the other dodgy, it was meant to be almost impossible). Didn't want a likely early 'divorce' with all those problems for the DC so we coparented with no expectations for 5 years, before getting together after a renewed and powerful physical attraction grew (she'd dated a lot more more than me in those years, I deliberately was waiting for her to get together with someone first). Sadly ovarian cancer took her a few years later.

My advice is to work on the friendship and being a functioning team of two, managing a life-consuming project together. Yes it will be unusual, like nothing you've had before - but better than cobbling a relationship together that will be so disruptive for the little one if it does not last. Take what he says about your relationship as most important and true - there will of course be some confused ambiguity in his behavior. Remember that he'll be primarily motivated by fear of having an estranged son with little contact. Sorry but you and your relationship needs (and his) are no longer priority.

I don't think you will ever get an answer to why he is acting this way. What is clear is thst it won't be doing you any good. You need to enforce some boundaries and also think what things look like after the baby arrives. What support will he be paying? Hopefully he has already started contributing for things like car seat, bedding etc. If you don't formalise things he will walk all over you.