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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something feels off…

17 replies

DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 04:48

DP and I have been together for 10+ years and have 1 DC who will be 3 soon.

Over the last few weeks something has seemed off. I’ve asked him if everything is OK and he’s said he’s stressed and that we should talk. This was pre-Christmas and still no chat. Every time I bring it up he doesn’t want to talk.

We have had a couple of arguments since which have largely been around me going on team/office Christmas parties/ a day out with a relative/ a day time hen do for a pregnant bride (which leaves him looking after DC). In each instance I’ve cleared these things well in advance and don’t feel like I’ve taken the piss (eg. Team meal ended shortly after my usual work day & came home by 11:30 from office party). After I’ve had these bits of ‘alone time’, there’s usually something booked in for us as a family the next day so there’s no way I want to be tackling these things with a hangover.

Anyway, DP was narky about these events being in quite quick succession. I cannot recall the last time I went out properly prior to these events (probably the hen party I went away for in March).

He says he never goes out with his friends (not a surprise, he never wants to go anywhere), so I countered that I do not stop him going out. In fact I actively encourage him to as I think it’s important to maintain friendships in real life and not just via whats app. He’s now been out twice in two weeks and I’m happy that he has (genuinely).

We haven’t been out as a couple since his birthday in March. I have expressed my desire to go out together, but we haven’t as I’m always the one that has to make child care arrangements.

He has made a few comments about me ‘doing everything for everyone else’ lately, keeps making digs about how I’m parenting our DC, and has said some things that really make me think he might be considering leaving. (So as not to drip feed he’s mentioned plans for family events throughout the year without mentioning them to me (Christmas, a holiday etc) and doesn’t seem to be implying that I will be there too).

The real thing that has planted a seed of doubt has been a discussion surrounding a new car. His DS is getting a new car and has asked us if we’d like her old one for a reduced price. My car is old and could probably do with being upgraded within the next 2 years, so DP said I should take her up on this. I am quite happy with my car, it’s mechanically sound but just looks very tired so do not in any way NEED a new car. After the discussions I assumed that this new car would therefore be my car (money coming from joint savings). He has now said it would be ‘our’ car with him on the log book. He has mentioned selling my car, and this would therefore leave me without a car in my own name. I feel really uncomfortable with this.

I just don’t feel like things are right. Am I being crazy thinking he’s setting himself up to leave?

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 04/01/2024 06:02

I’m not sure anyone can really say, but I would listen to your gut instinct and ensure your name is on the log book etc.

Newchapterbeckons · 04/01/2024 06:37

Time for a proper sit down conversation . Those ‘little’ issues are piling up and he has asked for a talk anyway. Don’t avoid it.

The car should be in your name. Watch your finances for now. I wouldn’t ignore your gut instincts either.

barkymcbark · 04/01/2024 06:42

Listen to your gut op. You need to force the issue and sit him down for a chat. Maybe tell him you won't make a decision about the car until you've had the talk.

Tbh if you're married it doesn't really matter who's name is in the log book, if it comes to divorce, it's a marital asset, but that won't help in the short term if you're stuck without a car:

UseOfWeapons · 04/01/2024 07:04

I agree with PP, and with you, OP. If your gut is saying something is off, listen to it. Get him to talk. I had this feeling with my 1st husband, couldn’t put my finger on what wasn’t right. He was quiet one evening, hardly said a word. When I asked him what was wrong, he came out with the fact that he didn’t love me, was seeing someone else, and wanted a divorce. Although devastated, I credit my gut with knowing there was something off.

It might not be pleasant, but better to get it out in the open. And it should, be your car!

Good luck!

Velvian · 04/01/2024 07:11

So would that give him 2 cars in his name? I would not agree to sell your car if you will not have your own car. I think you should trust your feeling about what is happening and act cautiously.

SpringleDingle · 04/01/2024 07:17

Who knows what is going on in his head but you need to push the conversation- this evening. Put kid to bed and tell H that you are sick of the odd atmosphere, he wanted a talk so now is the time to talk. Either he discusses or you ask him to make plans to leave for a few days so you can get a bit of space. Hopefully that will shock him into sharing.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/01/2024 07:21

Don't agree to sell your car. He can do what he wants but whatever happens you will need a reliable car. Where did he go to when he went out those two times? What's he like with his phone?

NewYearNewPyjamas · 04/01/2024 07:23

Not quite the point of the post but it doesn't matter who the logbook has listed. It's registered keeper, not owner. He can put his name on it but if you're paying for it (which you're not, you say it's joint) then the receipt and transaction are evidence you are the owner.

Your gut knows things before your brain has processed them. You may well be on to something but please talk to him. We can come up with 1000 logical suggestions and 1000 chaos theories but they could all be wrong. Only he knows.

If he does want to leave, so be it. You'll take a moment and then you'll be fine. Flowers

Takenoprisoner · 04/01/2024 07:42

Don't give up your car, why should you? and yes, you need to talk, he's checking out of the relationship by the sounds of it.

Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:11

Thanks everyone. Gut instinct is a very powerful thing isn’t it. I will sit down with him this evening and try and have the chat again. I wonder whether he’s avoided it thus far because of Christmas and DC’s upcoming birthday, but that only adds to my feeling that something is off.

I will update once we’ve managed to have the chat!😫

OP posts:
Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:18

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/01/2024 07:21

Don't agree to sell your car. He can do what he wants but whatever happens you will need a reliable car. Where did he go to when he went out those two times? What's he like with his phone?

@determinedtomakethiswork He went out locally the first time and was back after about 4 hours. The second time he went to his home town with friends that were visiting. Weirdly I trust him implicitly so don’t think he’s straying, but something just isn’t right. (God how stupid will I look if he blurts out that he has been!). He is always on his phone.

Very ironically he noticed a message on my work phone from a married colleague saying that they ‘missed me last night’ (as in they didn’t get a chance to chat to me at the office party because I left just after food) and came up with 100.

Agreed on the car point. He didn’t think my concerns were valid. Even if he isn’t planning on leaving, I want a car in my own name. I don’t think blokes would ever put themselves in such a vulnerable position (need my car for work).

OP posts:
Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:21

NewYearNewPyjamas · 04/01/2024 07:23

Not quite the point of the post but it doesn't matter who the logbook has listed. It's registered keeper, not owner. He can put his name on it but if you're paying for it (which you're not, you say it's joint) then the receipt and transaction are evidence you are the owner.

Your gut knows things before your brain has processed them. You may well be on to something but please talk to him. We can come up with 1000 logical suggestions and 1000 chaos theories but they could all be wrong. Only he knows.

If he does want to leave, so be it. You'll take a moment and then you'll be fine. Flowers

@NewYearNewPyjamas I’m definitely going to talk to him, there could be all manners of explanation. I just can’t shake the feeling that things are very off.

I love him and being with him, but am also very independent so know I could manage with DC on my own. I would of course be devastated if my gut is correct, but would have to get on with things for the sake of DC. I have good friends and family who could help ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:23

UseOfWeapons · 04/01/2024 07:04

I agree with PP, and with you, OP. If your gut is saying something is off, listen to it. Get him to talk. I had this feeling with my 1st husband, couldn’t put my finger on what wasn’t right. He was quiet one evening, hardly said a word. When I asked him what was wrong, he came out with the fact that he didn’t love me, was seeing someone else, and wanted a divorce. Although devastated, I credit my gut with knowing there was something off.

It might not be pleasant, but better to get it out in the open. And it should, be your car!

Good luck!

Edited

@UseOfWeapons , my gosh I bet that floored you?! But as you say better knowing and moving on. Hope you’re doing ok now :).

OP posts:
Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:25

barkymcbark · 04/01/2024 06:42

Listen to your gut op. You need to force the issue and sit him down for a chat. Maybe tell him you won't make a decision about the car until you've had the talk.

Tbh if you're married it doesn't really matter who's name is in the log book, if it comes to divorce, it's a marital asset, but that won't help in the short term if you're stuck without a car:

@barkymcbark we’re not married so that’s my concern that he could just up sticks and take the car with him. I then won’t have a car for work and to transport DC places.

I’m going to try and talk to him again this evening. Thank you :)

OP posts:
barkymcbark · 04/01/2024 08:29

If you're not married there's no way I'd give up my car and put the new one in his name.

Cars are a necessity and I'd not be put in a position where I don't legally own one. I'd ask him why it's so important to him it's in his name and not yours, especially as your current one is in your name.

Original poster
DubiousGF · 04/01/2024 08:39

barkymcbark · 04/01/2024 08:29

If you're not married there's no way I'd give up my car and put the new one in his name.

Cars are a necessity and I'd not be put in a position where I don't legally own one. I'd ask him why it's so important to him it's in his name and not yours, especially as your current one is in your name.

@barkymcbark to add he also already has his own car in his own name. Which is why I’m even more confused as to why he thinks I’d be willing to do this tbh.

OP posts:
barkymcbark · 04/01/2024 08:41

I'm not surprised you feel it's off then, first things first I'd tell him the car needs to be in your name as you're replacing your old one.

Then I'd want to get to the bottom of why he's being distant. Probably one and the same

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