As per the title, the older I’m turning, particularly since becoming a mother, I am constantly ruminating over the past, mainly relationships with family. I grew up in an environment where toxic behaviour from immediate and extended family were deemed to be “normal” and “acceptable,” due to culture. These include, physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Sadly, only recently I’m beginning to realise how damaging it all is.
Because of these relationships, my personality was shaped in ways I now regret. I believed I wasn’t allowed to prioritise myself, must bend over backwards for anyone and everyone; basically, a massive people pleaser. I believed I was responsible for others, not allowed to speak up to certain family members. Unsurprisingly, I thought I should tolerate shitty behaviours from others as I entered into adulthood.
While I was academic, and always did very well at school, and enjoyed learning etc, I felt put off by expectations from family, and their attitude to education. Although, they always encouraged me and valued education, I hated the pressure and their controlling manner. For example, I decided to leave my first uni, and join a different uni to study a different course. I was absolutely
bollocked at for wanting to leave, made to feel like a failure, and I didn’t feel like I could ever be understood. I did end up leaving and started afresh with a different career route.
Unfortunately, I developed horrible anxiety and depression since 19. This led to a complete lack of motivation, continuous sleepless nights, I felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t think I deserved success. I was heading towards a downward spiral. I did receive CBT, and spoke to a professional. I managed to complete my degree, but still need to finish the post-grad training for the career. This took numerous years due on to mental health complications, and I never felt I could be open about it with family in a way they’d understand.
While I am somewhat content now. I have a lovely husband and baby, I am always thinking about the past. I talk to myself and imagine standing up to family members for their treatment through my childhood, teen years, and as I entered into adulthood. I rage with anger, become teary and resentful, that I was held back so much academically and as a person, because of my mental health. I have distanced myself to help these issues. I barely talk to certain extended family members now, and have made changes to my personality, and acknowledged my self worth.
All these feelings just become magnified and alive, even now. I have a child, and I could never imagine my child being treated that way, or going through the experiences I had. Maybe becoming a mother has heightened everything.
I am trying to think optimistically and improve things in my life and mind, but it’s just so hard.
Thank you for reading