I feel insecure with regards to the inconsistent behaviour of him. I have posted before and people on here advised I walked away so I explained to him I wanted him to respect me and leave me be but he begged me to keep in touch so I softened and did, believing his promises. I feel pathetic that I soften for someone who has treated me badly. I think I must have a trauma bond or at the very least need his approval. I've even messaged him a number of times the past few days as if I'm chasing him.
It would be fairer for him also if I walked away and let him have a fresh start elsewhere. I want to respect myself and have him respect me, but I'm unsure the best way to do that now as I feel in so deep.
I have forgiven him multiple times for behaviour to the point where I no longer know what is my over reaction and what is actually wrong of him.
I have felt really lonely lately in terms of friendships, friends getting married and having children so I throw myself into him too much. At the moment I can't really afford counselling due to house costs increasing so that needs to wait for the moment.
I just need to outline my feelings as my chest feels tight and my mental health feels so fucked by this relationship now.