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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother in law with mental health effecting relationship

1 reply

kittykat818 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Myself (25f) and my partner (25m) have been together for 6 years. My partners mother sadly got deported from the UK when he turned 18, shortly before we met, and he has lived in the UK alone since. Last year my partners mother was offered a work visa in the UK for a caring company - we were all so happy, especially as she was newly single and suffering being alone. My partners mum has a history of mental health problems and has really suffered her whole life (inc suicide attempts), now she is in the UK and the strain she has put on my partner has been immense, she cries to him everyday, discusses topics such as suicide or moving back to south america and puts a lot of pressure on him in terms of emotional support. She has had a tough time in the UK, the company she is working for is not very nice and she is living alone with not very much money and this is making her mental health worse. It's very hard for me as I have a lot of love for her but seeing how she is effecting my partner is so hard. She will request that is it just them alone so he wont be able to see me as she will say she is too down - this will mean I miss things such as new years eve with him etc. She also doesn't seem to want to get help and doesn't want my partner to even tell me about her problems but he often breaks down to me crying about the stress he is put under and the fact he feels it is negatively impacting our relationship and his capability to be a good partner as he is feeling so down himself. I have suggested he starts therapy but he has done this before without it helping much. The issues with his mum are causing issues in our relationship as I feel he now makes less effort with me and that his mum is often the priority - it feels awful and selfish typing that but it is the truth. My partner broke down to me again the other day and explained how unhappy is, he feels he will have to continue to emotionally support and provide for his unwell mother for life and feels trapped. The thing is I would probably be depressed in her situation too and it is horrible she feels she only has him for support but equally I don't think it is fair that she puts all this pressure on her child, he even explained their relationship feels more like father and daughter than mother and son. I am so unsure of what to do as I feel he may even end the relationship as he is so unhappy.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 03/01/2024 23:06

I’m really sorry, that sounds incredibly difficult.
For a start his mother needs professional help —- does she have help from her GP, maybe a referral to a psychiatrist? ( though I know these services are very slow, underfunded, under staffed etc)
Is she managing to work at all?

There are some charities and organisations that might be better able to advise you and your partner.
https://www.sane.org.uk/
https://www.bigissue.com/news/activism/mental-health-charities-uk/
https://mentalhealth-uk.org/
https://www.mind.org.uk/

His mum isolating herself with your partner won’t help her in the long run, though it might make her feel calmer or safer in the short term. I’d contact as many organisations as you can and filter through the help available.

Home

SANE: Meeting the challenge of mental illness. No-one affected by mental illness should face crisis, distress or despair alone.

https://www.sane.org.uk/

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