Am I making the wrong decision re separation

[Raspberrysnowball]

I have posted here before:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4958286-staying-in-a-marriage-for-security-or-leaving-for-freedom?page=1

To summarise: I have been in a long marriage to DH. We have had lots of life stressors, and he has struggled with anxiety, depression and stress throughout. We have 3 dc, all now teenagers. DH has been emotionally abusive in the past but also can be kind and caring (although not really in recent years). His behaviour to me is not emotionally abusive anymore but he seems disengaged and quite self absorbed, whereas I really like/need emotional connection. We haven't had sex for years and are also in separate bedrooms.

I have been thinking of splitting for years as I have been very unhappy but have felt that I need to stay for the dc/ finances. However it all came to a head recently, and I said to him that I wanted to split. He was very upset/ resistant for a while, but in the last few days seems to have accepted the idea. Today he actually found a flat that he would be happy to rent, he went to see it and liked it and said he could go ahead with it. I said that would be a good idea.

But this evening - for the first time in years, we both seemed much more relaxed. We were laughing and joking, and reminiscing about old times, and stories of when we'd been travelling together. The dc seemed really happy that we were getting on so well. I said to DH that we were getting on really well, and I didn't know if that was because we'd made the decision to split, so we weren't feeling as much pressure with our relationship, but then there was also a moment when we looked at each other and said "is this the right thing to do?"

The thing is, even though I would still like to hug him (even though we haven't for a while), I don't feel attracted to him sexually, and he doesn't to me. I feel he is a really good friend and I care for him deeply. And obviously as i wrote in my previous thread, we have different ways of wanting to live, he does no housework, doesn't like holidays etc. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from marriage, and if I should just overlook the things I don't like in exchange for a loyal friend who is very dutiful, and together we are a family unit. I don't know what the right thing to do is - separate or not?!

I think I have realised that I have an anxious attachment style which probably isn't helping things.

Any views would be appreciated!

You're having a wobble. It's okay to lament the relationship but ask yourself if you want to be back here again in a years time? It sounds like you're separating on good terms which is good

@BitFedUpTheNoo Thanks. I'm just finding it hard to work out if I'm expecting too much from a long marriage. It's familiar and comforting in a way, whereas separating is stepping into the unknown.

Still feeling so unsure about everything this morning and DH wants to make a decision re the rental flat! Has anyone else been in this situation and had a last minute wobble? Just don't know what to do...

Don't back out now you are finally so close!

He needs to rent the flat and go and live in it!

You are probably right about having a nice evening together for once because the decision was made/ pressure finally off/ probably both a bit giddy with relief.

If he moves to the flat and you realise it's a mistake (this won't happen) he can always move back.

Be brave and forge ahead! It's what you've wanted and needed for so long.

Sending strength

Life is too short to be living the rest of it with a partner who is usually disinterested, cold, self absorbed etc just because they can (once in a few years) act like a nice friend!!

You've been presented with the opportunity to split, in quite an amicable way by the sound of it. Let him go while there's still goodwill on both sides and have a happy co-parenting relationship/ friendship.

I think a trial separation would be a good way to find out.

for the relationship to work long term you’d both have to reevaluate your expectations of each other eg with the holidays, you go, he doesn’t, re the housework he pays for a cleaner if he doesn’t do his share.

it is a difficult time to split with teens to be honest but it sounds like they’re very aware of what’s going on anyway.

i would say continue with the split but say you’ll see how it goes.

Thank you all - yes, I am going to stay strong! DH went out for a few hours today (he is usually at home all the time) and actually I felt so much better and lighter while he was out. I think it's when he's here that triggers all my feelings and I start to feel nostalgic about what we had, and what I wished our family life could have been.

I do feel a deep bond to him, but I think it is as a friend, and I am hoping we can have a good friendship/co parenting relationship going forward.

Re a trial separation, that's actually what I wanted, but DH has said if he moves out that's it, he wouldn't come back. So I think that this will be it, but as I've been so unhappy for years in this marriage, I am sure that it's the right decision. It's just a hard time to get through!

Hi, just wondering how it went? I'm in a similar situation.

@Lifedecisionsaresohardwhoknows Hi. DH is moving out this weekend! He has been dragging his feet, but I'm just so glad he is finally going to be moving out. I only had that one wobble really when I created this thread as I realised that although there can be a moment of connection with DH, he very quickly reverts back to his usual self - self centred, cold, annoyed with me etc.

We were both so worried about telling the children but it actually went ok. They seemed upset when we told them, but quickly bounced back and have been laughing and joking and their usual selves ever since. I'm sure feelings may come out in time though.

But they are going to still see a lot of DH as he's only 10 minutes walk away and they'll see him sometime in the week and at the weekend so that's reassuring for them.

We still have to separate finances but I'm going to look into that over the next few months. I am so looking forward to feeling free and finally having my own space!

I hope things are ok with you, it's a very difficult situation to be in.

.

@VicNZ I'm ok thanks. Since my exDH moved out in early March I've been going through a grieving process. I've gone through so many emotions - anger at how he treated me, devastation at not having the traditional "family unit" anymore, feeling guilty that maybe I wasn't the perfect wife, feeling sorry for exDH, worry about the dc, feeling very lonely etc. I still felt emotionally attached to exDH for a couple of months. We had a couple of nice conversations where he seemed really kind and empathic, and I could feel some attraction between us both. I have definitely had a few moments of "did I make the right decision"?

But having said all of that, I do not regret the decision. Now that we are separated, I see much more clearly how my ex is overall, how he lives, and how his personality is, and I just know that I could not live with him again. I don't feel he and I are compatible in the ways that matter to me (emotional connection, physical intimacy, how we both want to live life). He and I seem to be co parenting the children well, which is good. And the dc seem fine about the separation which is such a relief.

It is such a process though, and I'm sure it takes a couple of years to really come to terms with everything. I went out with a couple of friends last week who were both talking about their husbands, going out with their husbands and plans for family holidays etc, and I felt really alone, like my life is very different to that now.

I sometimes struggle to work out how I see my life going forward. Whereas before I was part of a family unit, now when the dc are here it kind of feels like an incomplete family unit, and when the dc are at my ex's, it feels like I am a single person. So it's almost like I don't know how to live my new life somehow. But I do feel better and better with each passing month and I have hope for the future! I now have more time, so I'm trying to do more things for myself, which i never used to do. And it is such a relief not to have to live with ex's moods, stress and anger any more - NOTHING is worth that! Life is much more peaceful.

I met a man recently who I really liked. Nothing happened, and I don't feel ready to get into anything, but it gave me hope that maybe one day I could have a relationship with someone more compatible! Or if I stay on my own, at least my life won't be filled with stress!

I'm sorry to hear you are having a wobble about your separation. It is so hard. Do you think you would want to live with your DH again?

@Raspberrysnowball thank you for being so open about your experience and emotions. It mirrors mine entirely. it certainly sound like you’ve made the right decision for yourself and the children, and you’ve overcome the wobble. It’s so hard. I find family and friends sometimes the hardest because unfortunately they don’t get it. The acute loneliness and uncertainty, and feeling this huge mis fit in society compared to previous life. I am still grieve the traditional family unit, and I really wanted a second child and age is against me now.

Financially I’m struggling, and while this is a short term issue it’s adding significant stress and making me doubt my decision to leave.

but …. Your sentiments around feeling peace in your own space reminds me of how I felt in the first few months and the tension and walking on egg shells when I lived with my DH. I think I’ve let other stressors blur the relief.

My DH had constant moods, stress and anger also and it was difficult navigating those daily - do you think if they realise these, they can change? I don’t think my DH does anything intentional, and he is seemingly making lots of effort to recognise and adjust. It makes me wonder if I should allow time for change.

@VicNZ "My DH had constant moods, stress and anger also and it was difficult navigating those daily - do you think if they realise these, they can change? I don’t think my DH does anything intentional, and he is seemingly making lots of effort to recognise and adjust. It makes me wonder if I should allow time for change."

My personal experience is that my exDH didn't change. And this was after years of me begging him to change, marriage counselling, us both having individual counselling. I read endless books/ watched videos about how to create better dynamics in the relationship, trying to understand him. I encouraged him to do things that would relax him and I tried to take any stress off him that I could.

I realised at one point that it was the classic "abuse cycle" - build up of tension, the incident, apologies and then calm - which just kept repeating.

Like you, I still question whether my DH does it intentionally, as there is a nice and kind side to him (I suspect he may be neurodiverse), but it got to the point where I realised, even if it was unintentional, the effect on me was still the same. It was so stressful living in that environment and bearing the brunt of his moods and anger, that it just wasn't possible for me to carry on living like that.

But that was just my experience, and your DH may be different. I think if someone is self aware, can be honest about their behaviour patterns and are motivated to change, then yes, change is possible. But sometimes the whole situation is just wrong for a person, so no matter how much they try, the situation will always overwhelm them and cause them stress as it is beyond their capacity to cope. That's what I think happened with my ex.

The other thing I have started to do is look at inspirational women online who are my sort of age (late forties), who have turned their lives around, got fit, started businesses, gone travelling, got a lovely relationship etc. It's very easy to feel adrift and that the best part of our life is over. But I've realised that I don't want to compromise any more - whatever path my life takes, I know I am not prepared to put up with someone's stress protected into me!

It's a very difficult decision though, and i really relate to your feelings and the financial struggle. If you are uncertain, could you maybe just try dating your DH again, take things slowly and work out if he has changed before making any big decisions?

Thank you for this. The cycle you speak of is my struggle and I think you made a good point about circumstance overwhelming him no matter how hard he tries, and me over compensating for possible moods. He oscillates so quickly that it’s hard to keep up and predict.

Hearing your optimism and outlook, adjust to a similar experience has wired me with some conviction!

I’ve really appreciated your insights. Thank you so much. From stranger to stranger, mother to mother, woman to woman, you have helped me more than anyone in the last 12mo get some clarity. Thank you.

Hi,

Hoping for some insight here.

Have any of you ever been able to have an honest conversation with DH to understand what triggers their mood swings?

Not trying to justify... just understand why it happened/happens and if there is perhaps a way to avoid them. I naively think nobody wants to be in a mood for no reason.