So I'm all prepped to tell him it's over, ducks in a row.....and now I'm too scared

[Turtletunes]

I'm ready to tell husband it's over, I've got loads of savings in the bank, my first pay slip for years under my belt, but I'm too scared. I had planned on telling him I want us to separate, me move into the spare room, start divorce proceedings, sell our jointly owned mortgaged home and split the proceeds...tra la la la la and off we go to our separate lives.
But I'm scared. Husband has never been violent, but he is highly emotional, manipulative, controlling, unpredictable, a narcissist. I'm too scared to tell him I want to move into the spare room. I'm worried he might come in, in the night and put a pillow over my face and think he can say he was sleep walking and overwhelmed with grief when he did it, as an excuse, whether he succeeds or not in killing me. I've put a maglite torch in the spare room and a heavy, hand sized ornament on the bedside table.
My Mum's in her 80s so not coming to rescue me, but I could go and stay with her, 75 miles away. I could go this weekend and FaceTime him and tell him it's over. Is it practical to leave a house that I have a joint mortgage and ownership of, and never go back? Does that mean it will never be sold because the husband can just live there without me and drag his feet about selling? He could easily afford to live there without me but couldn't afford to buy me out. I can afford to pay half the mortgage and council tax on mine and husband's joint house which I think I'm obliged to do, but I couldn't do that and rent somewhere. My head is all over the place and even worse, he has made it clear that sex is on the cards tonight as far as he is concerned. I think I might just have to submit to being raped tonight, book an appointment with a solicitor (tell husband I am going to solicitor for a job interview to do admin, to defeat Find my Friends) and decide how the hell I'm going to sort this mess out after that.
How do women safely separate from men they co own property with? I will never EVER live with another man again.

Oh OP - your priority is to leave safely.

You cannot do that in the same house.

Call women’s aid tomorrow - they can advise on how to leave safely. And then yes go see a solicitor.

You need to be in a safe space till you tell him.

No he can’t refuse to sell the house. It’s fairly straightforward to force a sale, you can do that after you leave. But take all you paperwork so its straightforward.

Get out safely, but do get out. You are worth so much more than this.

Jesus christ.

You do not have to have sex with this man.

This is horrible

If there is any risk to your safety get out and stay out. Do not risk it.
Just as a note if you do go into a room without a lock and need one then a door stop on the inside works well, one of the wedge ones.

Ideally leave, if you can't get to your mums tonight get cash out and go to a hotel for a night. Those doors lock. You can say you need to nip out to the corner shop for something and just get a cash point and turn your phone to airplane mode before you get to a travel lodge.

I understand, I've been in your position.

Assume no one else in the house? No children? Do you have a friend you could stay with tonight? Otherwise, a hotel?

The problem is not knowing how they will react. I had my keys, car keys and phone with me all times, day and night, so that I could run if I needed to.

In the longer term, yes you need a solicitor, but you also need a counsellor or women's aid. I promise you can do this.

Use some of your savings and book yourself in to a hotel. Now. Then decide where to go next from there. Don't take a risk in telling him face to face if you're scared.

If you're scared now you'll still be scared tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

Thank you so much for your replies. Thankfully, the issue of sex seems to have been forgotten about and it's late enough now for me to say I'm too tired. Phew.
@Sittykitty You have hit the nail on the head there - it is impossible to know how they'll react. With abusive people, they can be nice when things are going their way, but when things don't go their way, the narcissistic rage appears and that could lead anywhere. I've taken the step of having copies made of the house keys and burying them under the side hedge, so I can always get in if he locks me out or forces me out of the house. Jeez, what lengths we have to go to.
@LumpyPumpkin What you say about being scared tomorrow and the next day is absolutely right. It's one of the ways that has kept me trapped in this godawful marriage for so long and now I have enough money to leave, it's the only thing that's keeping me trapped.
I think the answer has to be to go to my Mum's and dump him through FaceTime.

Go to your mums, don’t pay half the mortgage, my brothers ex wife didn’t as she was renting and the house was still sold and they got 50% each.
You do not need to agree to have sex with him, you really don’t

Good luck OP. You can do this. And you’re right….you never have to live with a man again.

Just hold on thinking about the first day away from him, then the first week, the first month, the first year….

Get some legal advice and as up thread said womans aid.

You don’t even owe him a facetime dump - you can just send him a text.

I second going to your mums and doing it over the phone. Have you started divorce proceedings?

I would also make sure someone in RL knows about the situation and that you fear violence or even him trying to kill you!

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

If he works get a man with van get all the stuff you need all the paperwork
Welcome leave go to your mums
he can easily change the locks
I would not be going back , stuff out when he’s out and go
the rest u can do later ie sell the house etc
i lived with a narcissist for 29 years,
my advice is out changing all your passwords
check he hadn’t been stealing from you also
call all utility companies and tell them you left get your name off etc
go no contact don’t tell him face to face or meet with him when u leave
good luck op stay strong 💪

Agree that you need to leave with all your stuff while he’s out. A one-time exit.

have you got all your paperwork in the car? even your passport? mortgage number, bank accounts, joint saving accounts, car documents like insurance, mot etc/ a suitcase full of clothes in the boot of your car would be useful. get an emergency appt at solicitors and start proceedings if necessary ask for interdict to keep him away from you. find yourself a small flat to move into and then go to your mums and message him to let him know. after that switch that phone off. get a new phone and number so he cannot contact you. everything from now on is done via solicitors. remember, (dont know your age) you can also go after part of his pension.

Always personal safety first.
Get out, go to your mum, a hotel, a friend. Switch off locations on your phone.
Everything else can be sorted, calmly, through solicitors.
Do you have children? If you don’t you never have to see or speak to him again, only via solicitors.
I walked out ( well, drove) never saw him again. Best thing I ever did. Good luck.

Get to your mum's asap. Dump him from there.

You will need to separate any shared accounts and to cancel bills. Do notifications from the bank come through to his phone? If so you should seek advice from the bank about that.

I'm so glad you've got enough money to start a new life. Can you manage to work from your mum's?

Tell him you're visiting your mum so he doesn't think something's up. Is there any way he'd see you pack up the car, either by being home or through CCTV or a Ring doorbell?

Get away, now. Life is too damn short and fear will trap you if you aren’t careful. You have a Mum, go to her, sort everything financial through solicitors. Nobody ever believes they are married to an annihilator but many sadly are - be careful and leave!

I’d just block and send a letter for divorce.

Thank you so much for your replies, the support helps a lot. I think I just want someone to come up with an easy option that I haven't thought of. But of course there is no easy option. I will get out ASAP. Thank you all again.

@Turtletunes have you tried to talk it through with a solicitor or someone from women’s aid?

Could you talk to the police about coercive control? It sounds relevant. Being afraid to say no to sex is awful, I’m so sorry. Stay strong and get out.