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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you back out of this trip?

12 replies

simonsez · 03/01/2024 18:05

In a few month’s time we are set to be going on holiday with my parents, sister and her family.

My sister treats me badly and is rude to my DH. She enjoys playing games and twisting situations until everyone is confused and is just generally very overtly manipulative and bullying. The whole family have allowed it for a very long time but recently come to realise. No idea why she is like it, she seems to always feel the victim and deep down I think she is unhappy and possibly struggling with self esteem but I find it hard to have any sympathy when she is behaving badly towards others. She has DC. Whenever someone (our parents, or me) does something she doesn’t like she will say it’s a privilege to know DN and that we won’t have anything to do with them until we can respect their parents, and apologise. The strange thing is from what I can tell nobody else is behaving badly, only she, but yet she pretends as if it’s everyone else who is manipulative - what?!

I’m not sure what I think to going away and sharing accommodation. I actually don’t want to go. I’m happy to forfeit our share. It makes me sad as it is tradition to go but she has been worse and worse the last couple of years so I hold no faith she will be any kinder this year. She doesn’t even have to like us, that’s fine - but she can’t even be civil and chooses to go out her way to be mean then play the who me card. It messes with me.

If we are in another country we can’t just drive home. I may feel trapped. I do want to go on this holiday though as it means a lot to my parents, but they also accept the way she is likely to behave and don’t like it either but each time seem to believe ‘she knows we are aware of it now, so she will change’

Aghhh. I’m stuck. What would you do if you were us?

OP posts:
Christmastreestillinonepiece · 03/01/2024 18:09

Obvious question is why did you agree to go in the first place? So you sacrifice your time, money, mh and the feelings of your dh for what? To appease a bully and her enablers?. Make 2024 the year you woman the hell up.

simonsez · 03/01/2024 18:16

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 03/01/2024 18:09

Obvious question is why did you agree to go in the first place? So you sacrifice your time, money, mh and the feelings of your dh for what? To appease a bully and her enablers?. Make 2024 the year you woman the hell up.

Because I like going on this holiday (when I am not spending time directly with my sister) and to make my parents happy. I know, people pleasing

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 03/01/2024 18:21

I think I'd make my excuses and not go. You know it will be awful. Have a pretend Dr's appt or something.

With any luck, your parents will have a terrible time with her alone and realise just how bad she is....

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2024 18:23

You couldn't pay me to go.

If you really like the holiday, go for a different accommodation. You can visit your parents whist there but have a place to retreat to when she starts any shite.

Tbh, I'd probably be very clear I think my sister is a humongous cuntwamble and I won't be enabling her anymore. So if she can't be civil, I'll leave the room/property/lunch ect.

Life is too short to tiptoe around bullies as an adult.

RedRock41 · 03/01/2024 18:29

There’s an old Taoist parable… goes something like this: villagers in a narrow lane keep trying to get by a horse but every time they do and no matter what they try it kicks out and they get hurt… eventually someone shouts ‘here comes the wise man…’ (probably a woman 😉) ‘…he’ll know what to do…’… The wise (wo)man takes one look. Sees what’s happening then happily walks down a different street.

If you want to walk down a different street and not go on the holiday think you’d be more than justified… end of day do what you need and want to. Just be prepared for a potential backlash or guilt trip instead as could be your sister has ‘issues’… best of luck 🤞

tomatoontoast · 03/01/2024 18:31

I wouldn't go.

lesdeluges · 03/01/2024 18:48

How long is the trip for? If a week maybe just go for the first three days. If two weeks go for the first week.

Gradually back out completely and go with your parents without sister. Wouldn't that be a lovely special time with them?

That's what I'd do.

LBFseBrom · 03/01/2024 18:59

HalebiHabibti · 03/01/2024 18:21

I think I'd make my excuses and not go. You know it will be awful. Have a pretend Dr's appt or something.

With any luck, your parents will have a terrible time with her alone and realise just how bad she is....

Either that or ask that she doesn't go but I doubt that would happen. Back out, op, you're obviously dreading the holiday and, as you said, you would feel trapped abroad. Your sister sounds very strange indeed.

Faceache45 · 03/01/2024 19:00

I wouldn't go. I think you should do something on your own with your folks. Honestly, if your sister wants to use your niece as leverage only your niece will suffered. If she wants to deprive her daughter of your love, time and resources that's on her. She is spiting her own kid.

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 03/01/2024 19:00

simonsez · 03/01/2024 18:16

Because I like going on this holiday (when I am not spending time directly with my sister) and to make my parents happy. I know, people pleasing

Can you holiday another time of year with just your parents?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2024 19:25

Why is it so important that your parents are happy?. You are an adult and you do not need their approval.

Tell your parents your own family are no longer going due to your sisters abusive behaviour. If you cannot readily do this now ask yourself why.

People pleasing behaviour often comes about from wanting to parent please toxic, emotionally unavailable or immature parents. They’ve enabled your sister too and have not wanted to rock the boat for their own reasons when it’s been better to chuck her overboard.

MissSookieStackhouse · 03/01/2024 21:52

I wouldn’t go, but then I wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. Start making plans without your sister involved in future. There’s no way I’d agreed to spend anything more than the bare minimum of time with someone toxic.

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