Those of you that have had couples therapy/or fixed your relationship - what strategies helped?

[Namechangeforname]

Just here for advice, not judgements. Bit of background - been with DP 8 years and have 2 DC. Got engaged last year.

However, after a difficult few years with house move, various other stresses with work/study and exhaustion. We have drifted apart. Has all come to a head over Christmas and we are now at the ‘make or break’ stage. Have decided we want to work on things but don’t know where to start. I do love him and don’t want to split our family apart.

My worry is we have had this same conversation 6 weeks ago. I felt like I kept my side of the bargain and put in effort etc, but he hasn’t (this was essentially the cause of our recent argument). He has now suggested writing things down about what we want/need from each other, and are setting some time aside every week to have a proper talk about things.

It all sounds very pragmatic to me but we are in desperate measures. So I just wondered if anyone has been in the same position and managed to work through it. Or have had couples counselling (we can’t afford that right now and honestly don’t have time anyway).

What things worked for you??
Thank you. Appreciate any support.

Sounds like you both want to work things out, which is a positive start at least. His idea sounds worth trying but you need to have targets for each of you so you can see that progress is being made and you can call him out if he doesn't do his bit. These need to be related to the issues you have - it might be, for instance, he will tidy the garden in the next month or he will put the kids to bed at least 3 times a week, you need to try to be specific since targets like "being more affectionate" or "spending time together" are subjective and open to interpretation. You also need some targets for yourself of course and for things for you to do as a couple, eg we will have at least 2 date nights each month.

Thank you! ‘Being more affectionate’ was is of my things but what you say makes complete sense.

Some therapists recommend looking at attachment styles. If you can identify your own, and your partner can identify theirs, it helps to work out why you're not connecting. (Of course, most people are a mix) Try looking at Diane Poole Heller's book The Power of Attachment to see if it resonates with you.

Say what now???!

Wowser!

Errrm I think MNHQ may need to check the bot

Well you can set targets for intimacy - we did that when our DC were young and looking back on it now, decades later, I think it was a much more significant and positive move than it seemed at the time.

Reported the above.

Thanks @Anothernick , will do this. Did you write it down? Think I feel silly doing this but like you say it makes it more concrete and no ambiguity about what has/hasn’t been said

You say you don't have time for couples therapy - that in itself speaks volumes
Getting your relationship back on track needs to be high priority. If you can't 'spare' an hour a week for it then what does that say about how important it is for you both.
Similar with financially being able to, it is WAY cheaper than splitting up and having to find a way to afford two households, but I am also aware that finding extra cash right now can be literally impossible.

You can diy some relationship techniques but you have to put the time in and open mind and heart. Important to be able to listen to each other without reacting defensively. This is key. Look up The Shame Loop
And the Drama Triangle

Working through and letting go of past resentments can be very useful, but put structure around how you do it to avoid hurting or attacking each other. This is where a therapist comes in useful. General rules is to only use 'I' statements, not 'you' ie talk about your own feelings and experiences. Also avoid 'always and never' - rarely true and evokes defensiveness

Communicate
Change your routines, mix up the structure. Do whatever you can to get away for as long as you can, just the two of you.ale the time to hear each other and spend time and reconnect - easier done in a new place.

No we didn't write it down or make it too rigid, we just agreed that we should try not to go longer than a week without DTD. And generally we kept to that -and still do - so there was never any need to be more specific.

@allgrownupnow I say time but should have also said resources. So we do have some evenings, but we alternate work shifts, and he works long days on his days. I am studying currently so a lot of free time is taken up with that. Then there are children’s clubs etc. We don’t have family close by to babysit. So afraid we have ti just work with what we have for the moment.

All your advice is really good. Thank you. I may send him this thread later.

DH and I split 3 years ago following couples counselling which wasnt very successful (he wasn't ready to hear some things and felt the counsellor was on my side). He moved out. We finally sorted it out when we realised that anxiety was at the bottom of our problems. Understanding that made all the difference. We are happier than ever now.

We also have different languages of love. I need reassurance verbally, he shows live through doing things for me. Once we realised that we moved forward better

This sounds like us! I do suffer with anxiety which incidentally is pretty bad at the moment, so interesting you mention that.

I've not had couples counselling but have had personal counselling and some stuff about relationships has come up.

One thing is to use "I" statements. So you try and explain how you feel without blame. Instead of attacking someone saying " you do this and you're like that", you say " when you do this, I feel this".

The other thing is to talk freely for 10 minutes an how you're feeling about things and the other person has to listen without interrupting. Sometimes, you can try repeating back what you hear. This is supposed to improve communication.

Have you seen Couples Therapy on BBC iPlayer? I loved it. Really interesting.

@AllSoComplicated ooh no I haven’t! But will definitely look it up, thanks.
I am guilty of saying ‘you do this’ a lot, so will change that, as a few of you have said

I'd recommend any books by Gottman. There are some that have really practical exercises to work through together. If you're both open to it, then working through books together can be a good alternative to counselling.

I also like the new book by Philippa Perry (it has a really long name!).

These are all brilliant, thanks so much!
Think I have found the book you mean. Weirdly I never considered books on this subject. I’m going to order it

Disclaimer though...I am single and likely to stay that way 😂😭😂

Understanding attachment styles was very helpful for us - I had solo therapy (much more useful than couple therapy) and that led me to attachment styles, which led me to understand him, and to be able to explain me to him.

Also sorting my HRT and sorting his anti-anxiety meds.

Disclaimer though...I am single and likely to stay that way 😂😭😂

You do right I think 😂😂

To be honest I would just get some relationship therapy. Look on the bacp website for someone near you. We have gone to see a therapist twice, each time for around 8 weeks and can genuinely say that it made a huge difference to our relationship. We wouldn't be together if we hadn't gone the first time. I would go for it again straight away if we have issues in the future. We were also busy and felt we couldn't afford it but made cut backs in other areas to pay for it. It's so difficult to do without guidance when you keep repeating the same cycles and resent each other too much to listen to the other person's point of view.

One technique we were taught was to repeat back what the other person had said in a disagreement (not our interpretation of what they'd said) eg 'it makes you feel X when I do Y'. Helps you both to feel heard in an argument. But honestly you can't beat having a third party there to help you pick apart where it's all going wrong. Second time we saw our therapist online in the evenings after kids were in bed which was easier to squeeze into the schedule. Good luck!

Thank you @Twobigbabies , I definitely won’t rule this out if these strategies aren’t enough.

Going to read about attachment styles now