What happens to us when the relationship with our mums are not there as children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just wondering why having poor relationships with mums as a child causes so much damage as adults?

Is it permanent? I know I constantly seek that figure and always fail miserably. My mum was distant, non emotional. As a child I sat with all my problems alone.

Well attachment to the primary cater is really important for good emotional development. I have struggled all my life due to poor attachment in childhood, my dad was pretty non existent and I was an unwanted pregnancy, and my mum had terrible PND. Our relationship was never great although it improved in my adult years (mainly through huge effort from myself). But I could certainly never have taken any problems to her, she didn’t agree with people sharing their problems!!

I get extremely jealous when I see friends etc have fantastic relationships with their mums, it must be so nice. It’s made it such a challenge to parent as I don’t know what I’m doing and find I have to check myself all the time as to me connections are really hard work.

I’m in the same boat, fortunately I had other female relatives as role models, but not any emotional support. I have spent my life working on improving my emotional health and achievements.
I still struggle with attachment, but have managed a good marriage and now grown up family. However, I do occasionally feel slighted by throw away comments and feel inadequate compared to other people. I doubt if outsiders would know this.
After having my own DCs both sons I gradually went NC with my mother, she was not interested in them either. I felt a lot better.
Its tough, but it’s your life to make your own.

I just make sure my ds knows I love him. I encourage and support him. Listen to him. Spend time with him. Have fun with him.

All the things my dm didn't do.

Have you had any counselling? It's tough to come to terms with the fact that our childhood shapes us so much.

Read Lindsay Gibson, Adult children of Emotionally immature parents. It’s hugely helpful albeit a difficult read. Helps explain the parent, our reaction, how it colours future relationships and also help to free oneself from the negativity.