DP says he does not know if he loves me!!!! Its a long story if anyone can talk!

[Jodyray]

I have been with DP for 2 years. We have a 7m old DS and I have a 5yo DD from a prev relationship. When DP and I got together we had been friends first and so waited til we were 100% sure we wanted to be together. Things moved quickly from there and he moved in after a few months. I then got pregnant, something he had wanted, he was overjoyed initially. However, unexpectedly at 7 weeks preg he walked out saying he had depression and I had ruined his life. For the next 4 months he went to counselling for whatever it was that started his depression and we started to see more of each other. We got back together shortly before the birth of DS, who was 10 weeks early. The shock seemed to kick him up the arse to face responsibility and since Aug things have been fantastic. We are currently househunting as we live in my house at the moment, his old one being on the market but he wont live here forever as its not his 'home'. However last Friday he started being really off with me so when i asked he said he was unsure whether he loved me. He went on to say he only loves me on the days we do not argue. We dont argue much at all just the odd bicker, since then he has said he cant see us lasting but still expects me to sell up and move!!! He has also now said I made him depressed but wont divulge!!! My friends have all said i should kick him out but I love this man so much as do BOTH my kids. He said he is not going to leave, not yet anyway, but will see how things go. Maybe I should have seen this coming when he announced before Feb 29th that i better not have any ideas as he would say no and when people have asked when we are gonna get engaged he says he aint ready. I feel I am just in limbo hoping that he wont go taking each day as it comes but I dont know if I can take the risk of doing anything with him as he is so unpredictable and could walk anyday!!! Please help!!!

If he is saying that in some way you made him depressed and still intending to have a relationship with you, he must tell you what it was. You cannot have a relationship where he believes you make him unhappy but won't tell you why. There have been points over the years when I have not been sure that I love dh. The solution has been to tell him why not and see if we can work something out. A relationship where you are continually waiting for him to decided whether he can cope with it does not sound good for you.

Find out what he is waiting for and if he won't talk to you, I think you have to consider whether he is worth waiting for.

Poor you. You cant live like this. He is not giving you a thing but expects you to wait and comply with whatever crumbs he offers. He truly does not know what he wants, does he? So he blames you which is not right at all. It is NOT your fault he is depressed.

Is he on meds? Still counselling? I have a depressive DP and know exactly why he is like this ie his history and background. How much do you know about your DP and his history? Its worth thinking about other things that could prompt this behaviour.

In the meantime you have to think about yourself and your DC's. I know its easy for me to say but in your shoes I would completely back away from selling my home until he could give me some kind of commitment that he wanted to be with me. This is your home, a stable, solid place where you can feel safe and which is YOURS. Hold on to it, he has put you through quite enough without that kind of upheaval.

Dont know what else to say but keep posting and {{{{hugs}}}}

I dont think he does know what he wants. He cannot say what it is that depresses him, but his counselling sessions are over and they said he does not need any meds. He has not taken any since June last yr. I know his ex treated him fairly badly but I am nothing like her and like i said we rarely fall out, only when he decides to go all weird on me. I just want to sort this but I feel as if i am going round in circles, like i have gone back a year in time, the only difference being this time baby is here!

Jodyray, I think he does need meds quite urgently - without them he is allowing his depressive thought patterns and behaviours to rule ie he thinks that what he feels is right and is unwilling to question it.

Depressives are notoriously unable to think of anyone but themselves and have no headspace for how anyone else is feeling. You could stand in front of him crying your eyes out and he would probably be quite unmoved and unable to comfort you.

I am and at the way you are being treated. You are bearing the full force of his illness and he is unable/unwilling to take responsibility for it.
How his ex treated him is again, nothing to do with you. His problems are not your problems but you need help to challenge him I think. What other support systems do you have? Friends, family? Or even a helpline.

When he says "He will see how things go" it simply means that he is abdicating responsibility and hoping that something will happen to make him feel better. Until he is willing to take a proactive step you will be left in this miserable situation and that's not acceptable.

FWIW this is what I would do. NOT saying that this would suit you but I know that in this situation its hard to think clearly, and it may give you some ideas. Be prepared to be met with resistance though, depression makes people put up very thick walls.

1)Tell him you are not prepared to put up with the "limbo" any more. It isnt good for you, him or your DC's. Life is too short and you need some degree of commitment.

2. State that you are sure that he is capable of being the partner and parent that you and DC's need but obviously needs help. Make sure he understands that your ideal outcome is that he stays, not leaves.

3. Tell him you are not prepared to take such a drastic step as selling your house when he cant even give any assurances that he wants to be with you.

4)Ask him if he would like to be happy. Few people would answer "No" Tell him that ITS HIS CHOICE to be happy, and all he has to do is make that choice, and you can take it from there re seeking counselling and meds.

You are NOT his counsellor, mother, crutch, enabler. You are his partner and deserve to be treated as such. This is a lot to take in, I know, but I hope at least some of it is helpful in allowing you decide what you want to do.

Thanks BearMama. I tried talking to him last night but he just shut down on me and said he was tired. I will try again!! I just wish i knew what it was that triggered this or whether he has been like this the whole time but with the early birth he just controlled it better. Its just confusing stuff. The worst thing is my family and friends are one by one turning against him so things are difficult...thanks for all your advice

He said he was tired? I would say "Yes, so am I. Of being treated like this" and just walk out of the room.

Sorry, that says more about me than you. I think you are being remarkably tolerant considering.

In situations like that, where they like to complain that they are feeling overwhelmed and cant deal with one more thing ie a discussion, something like this might get through.

"I dont expect you to sort yourself out right away, but I do need to know if you want to, because if you dont, I dont see a happy outcome for us. I need a partner, and my children need someone who actively wants to be in their lives"

This lets him know that you're thinking practically and not simply allowing this to continue. Good luck!

Hi! Well I tried my best but last night he packed his things and i mean everything, and left. Said he feels trapped in the family life and he does not love me. I got the whole everything is my fault accusation again and he said our parenting skills are not compatible. He also said I make him unhappy. So thats it he has gone, left me with a mortgage to pay when i am on SMP and without a penny to bring up 2 kids. I wouldnt mind if he was a teenager but he is 30 hardly too young to have a family!! I have been up most of the night crying. My 5yo DD has already seen the empty wardrobe and asked why he has gone. I am just gutted, I really dont know what i am going to do or how i will cope without him. I think i am still in shock...

Do you have any family around? SO sorry to read this.

Hi Jodyray, I am so sorry that you are going though all of this. I really feel for you.

The first thing i would say is do not take all of his accusations onboard. This is not your fault. What he is doing is called projection. A part of him knows that the way he is behaving is unfair and cruel and causes him to feel guilty and ashamed. But, to enable him to go through with leaving he cannot afford to feel these things as they will get in his way so, he projects them on to you, enabling him to leave with what he feels is a clear conscience.

You haven't made him leave, he has left because he chooses to. Where has he gone? Who is he staying with? Has he left you a forwarding numer or address?

I would also advice you to ring the benefits office as soon as they reopen after easter. You will be assigned a lone parent advisor and they are absolutley wonderful. They will help you every step of the way. HTH

Keep your chin up sweetheart xxx

All they say is i should have expected it as he has done it before. Some of my friends have said similar but others a bit more tactful.

ring up child tax credits - think they may be open today, ring CSA and start a claim for maintenance for your ds etc.

I'm really sorry he's put you through this, I think this is a pattern of behaviour from him that in a way he can't control so all you can do is look after yourself and your dc and don't let him back in to do this to you again.

It will get better but it does take time.

rang csa and put in claim. not managed tax yet will try tues. i feel sick, numb and shocked. he has his own house which is was on market as we were selling both houses to fund a bigger one. so he will no doubt take it off market and stay there. i have not heard from him today. i cant see how this will ever get better but heres hoping...

oh am so sorry you're going through this, do you know where he has gone even? I would be inclined to contact him and tell him you are fine with his decision but he has to be financially responsible for the baby

be thankful you didn't sell up at least

{{{{hugs}}}}}

yeah to his house, i dont think i am ready to speak to him yet...about anything or i will just beg him to return

I think once the shock has worn off, you will reliase that you need to be apart from him at the moment. to you all- it's a horrid thing to be experiencing.

I am another one with a depressive DH, in order for it to work as a relationship we have to have an agreement that if I think things are getting too bad for him, he goes back to the GP for another course of meds. Without that ultimate security and control, I would find it impossible as living with a depressive can be extremely challenging.

I hope you get some of the answers you need soon.

Hi Jodyray. Just found this thread. There's not much I can add to the good advice on here but I just wanted to say I hope things get better and become clearer for you soon. Take care ((((((hugs))))))

is there any chance he may be seeing someone else?

Hi, he is not seeing anyone else I know that 100%. I saw him sunday and monday when we took out the kids for easter and he gave me every impression that we would sort it. Then tuesday came and i heard nothing but yesterday after work he turned up to see his son, we talked for hours and he admitted he still loved me. He said the real reason he left is that he cannot handle bringing up someone elses child ie my 5yo DD. She is a good kid, bit of a chatterbox but thats it! I said its a bit late to decide that as he knew i had a child long before we got together....he said he is not depressed but thinking clearly. I just feel he keeps switching the goalposts and doesnt know what he wants. But i am disgusted that he is blaming a 5yo for our breakup, I have cried all day about it cos she thinks the world of him and it sounds like he dont give a shit..........if i tell any of my mates or family he has said this i know it will cause more hassle so i just needed to vent on here

Jody it sounds like another excuse- he's fickle and he does sound depressed, though he denies it. He can't blame a 5 yr old who he knew about before he got with you, anymore than he can say you ruined his life by getting pregnant, after he said he wanted the baby. None of it makes any sense, it isn't your fault, or your childrens fault, it's him!

He sounds like he has major problems with commitment, I'm glad he's taken a step back before he can confuse your children further, and that this all happened before you sold your house. I know it must be incredibly scary and painful for you, I hope you get loads of help from the csa etc

You deserve better than this, don't let him mess with your head or mess your kids around again. There's someone out there for you who will love both your kids and not be scared of committing to you, but you won't meet them while this stupid guy is dithering on your doorstep!

best of luck x