Husband has chronic kideny diesase he doesn’t invite me out to socialise

[Meme54]

My husband is 46 we’ve been together 11 years, last year after he had Covid he had some health problems blood tests lead to him having stage 3 chronic kidney disease. He was initially put on tablets for fat in his blood being high, these got his levels down but other tests showed his kidneys weren’t working well.Doctor took him off the tablets for fat in his. blood as you can’t have them with kidney diesase.

He cut out drinking alcohol he was drinking 1-2 times a week binge drinking 2015-2023 6-10 pints in a night out, befor we meet he had a drink problem.

My father and brother were both alcoholics. Passed away aged 54-53 of alcoholic addiction so I’m very aware of what it can do.

over the years my husband didn’t invite me out socially with his mates and partners , he admitted tonight as I would annoyed as he’d drink 6-10 pints and start being childish and he wanted to act as he choose.

Now he’s saying he doesn’t want to invite me as id say about his kidneys as he likes several pints.

i give up now but it’s annoyed me as his health is effected, his grandad and aunt both passed away aged 56 & 60 of heart attacks, as he had fat in his blood and was on high dose medication you’d think he’d wake up to his drinking and go teetotal- he’s blaming CV vaccines for kidney damage, Im at a loss what to say.

Should I just say nothing leave him to it ?
I said your mates won’t be looking after you once your on dialysis.

We are 100% sure he’s on the spectrum addictive personality - socially awkward without alcohol - OCD - routined.
My daughter has autism so does my grandson so I see my husband has many traits that he just feel tired trying to get him to look after himself
He seems to forget he had fat in his blood and his family history of early death.**

question is

1. Do I leave him too it ?
2. Tell him to remember how serious it is again.

You can try one more time but would you honestly want to stick around and nurse him when the alcohol destroys his body?

It might be time to consider leaving. Your mental health should come first.

Is he in stage 3a or 3b?
I'm 30 and I'm in stage 3a (secondary to complete kidney failure managed to get off diyalsis due to sepsis)
I'm on chloesterol drugs too as it is recommended with stage 3 kidney disease
If he's in stage 3B he's really on thin ice of it progressing to stage 4 and 5.
In my opinion all you CAN do is remind him of the importance to keep to a healthy lifestyle.
Maybe you could print out facts and pointers of how to stay healthy.
If he chooses to continue to ignore you then that's on him, he is an adult.
Hope this helps
x

@JamieJ93 sorry to hear about your kidneys how are you doing ?
I had sepsis in late pregnancy ended up in icu so know how awful that was.

Hes 3a he did well lost 16lbs chloestral went to normal can’t recall medication name not satins
now he’s put on weight belly is big and I’m concerned his kidneys are worse and blood levels fat
hes not on any medications now.

his mate laughs at him if he goes home earlier from the pub even knows he had kidney problems

Friday lots of them are going for drinks for said mates birthday and his mates telling him he better not go home early

you’re right - he’s an adult Thankyou will print some things off to remind him

I actually think that being exposed to alcoholism prior has probably desensitised you to it rather than picking up on things. A red flag was - had an alcohol problem before we met. But then was going out drinking still with his mates and avoiding you seeing (alcoholics don't cut down well, by their nature they don't have the capacity to take or leave it as others do).
Who you've been with is a man whose hidden his consumption from you for a long time, so when faced with health problems caused by it, is in denyal rather than accepting it as true.
The assumption that alcoholics always appear drunk is false, they often drink daily to a level that keeps them on an even keel, hold down jobs while doing it, appear functionally normal. If he still insists on drinking heavily knowing that he has CKD stage 3, he will get to 5 and need dialysis before long - 4 hours, 3 x a week out of your life, not fun. That's if his liver doesn't pack up first - do you know how that is functioning, would he tell you if he knew.
I see a lot of men who've had plenty of warning that their organs are failing via blood results, then they come to hospital in crisis, where its news to their other halves as their prior results were fine, so it's a shock to them - except they weren't fine, its just that they claimed they were so they didn't have to address it, all part of the denyal.
Best all round that you can do is not ignore it, but start off with a threat to leave unless he gets help to abstain. Then actually leave when he doesn't and watch the destruction from a distance. Otherwise, you could end up being his embittered carer when shit hits the fan with his health.

Is it worth staying with him? He's an alcoholic you will have to take care of one day.

how are his life and health insurance policies and does your mortgage have life insurance/coverage.
that aside chronic health conditions are really challenging for couples and only you will know how much you can handle.
my father was an alcoholic subsequently i vowed to be the complete opposite with near zero tolerance for alcohol in my home/life/style.
46 is young in so many ways, i'm sorry he is being lazy about this.

You're asking do I leave him to it? You're aware you can't change other people's behaviour. You're not furnishing him with additional vital information to assist his decision making. He's chosing to ignore it and continue with his risky behaviour. In many ways you've done that too by sticking with an alcoholic.
You have choices. One is to leave him before you feel guilted into thinking you can't. Another is to continue to nag him and be ignored. The third option is to ignore it and carry on.
My advice would be shut up or ship out!

For fucks sake another ‘DH is a prick but I’m sure he’s autistic’ 😡

Thanks for your replies
he’s not an alcoholic he sometimes doesn’t go out fit a drink 2-3 weeks
he didn’t have a drink for 3 months last year he goes out 1-3 times a month , doesn’t drink indoors
that’s not an alcoholic

@Chichimcgee
why is he a prick if he drinks 1-3 days a month ?

If he is on the spectrum he may be self-medicating through alcohol. There are other things that can be taken to help with that that won’t destroy his kidneys. It depends whether he is willing to explore that.

It sounds like he’s got harmful drinking disorder.
He may not have a physical addiction to alcohol, but is using it in a way that he knows is harmful to his health, and is prioritising alcohol over his family.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcoholism

@Meme54 Yeah, he’s an alcoholic.

Are you prepared for a messy death? Because this could get ugly.

He isn’t an alcoholic (I say this as an alcoholic), but it does sound like he’s struggling with his relationship with alcohol.

It can be really difficult to have a chronic illness that means you can’t be normal (normal = going out for drinks with friends a few times a month). I have a chronic illness, and when I was first diagnosed, it was a real shock that I probably needed to change my drinking behaviour. Now I was drinking to unhealthy levels (5-7 days a week), which probably contributed to my illness to a degree. My consultant said I could drink but like ‘1-2 glasses of wine every week or so’ 😂 My drinking actually escalated for a year or two before I really came to accept that I couldn’t go on living like that.

I don’t think it’s at all an unusual reaction to an unexpected diagnosis, but he will need to come to terms with it and sort himself out. Two things helped me: connecting with others with the same condition (and realising that most of them gave up alcohol when they were diagnosed) and my Dh expressing concern and doing alcohol free days/months with me.

It didn’t click overnight, but it did eventually. I feel much better now that I don’t drink and I don’t miss it. But it does need to be his choice and he has to come to terms with it in his own time (hopefully before he causes himself too much damage!).

I don’t think his drinking alone is the main problem as like you say, he goes days and weeks without so I wouldn’t put him in the alcoholic bracket. However, it is clear that he doesn’t come from a family with great longevity and as such needs to look after his health much more closely. Having said that, he may have a live for today attitude due to this lack of longevity in the genes.