Childhood Trauma or Narcissism?

[Whitehydrangea]

My husband has always been an emotionally unavailable person. When we met I took his strong silent type of behaviour as offering a stability I needed. But I've grown and he hasn't and what I saw as stability is just indifference and self centredness. I guess what I'm wondering is whether it is possible to change if your hyper independence and caring about nobody but yourself is a result of childhood Trauma or if it is just plain Narcissism and this is who you are? How do I know?

I find it interesting that with complete strangers or people he doesn't know well he is a completely different person. Lively, engaging, smiley. With everyone else including his own family he is a boring mute who can offer zero conversation about anything unless it is limited about his job. He shows zero concern or care for anyone and only offers to do chores which in some way benefit him. He has always had limited intellectual capability but the more boring mute he becomes the more I crave a discussion or insight or just something. I started reading more widely for things he may also find interesting but the few extra grunts doesn't make it worth my while. I have started planning more events with my friends because going out with him is painful he offers so little to the night out.
Add in the gaslighting and the lack of effort in every way and I'm.wondering if there is any hope.

I see his YouTube history and apart from copious amounts of porn material he is a Jordan Peterson devotee. He gaslights to say he has no idea who is is yet the history speaks for itself. As much as I find Peterson. Misogynistic a discussion on it would be a welcome relief. Like for God's lakeshore some passion. For something. Anything.

Wht do I do?

Leave. It doesn't have to be complicated, it can be that simple. No redeeming features in him, no care for you, no chance of getting back this time you're losing on spending it with him. I would put myself first if it was me in your shoes, and jettison him, his wanking habit and his misogyny.

Seconded. Leave - life is far too short and too worth living. Jettison that anchor keeping you under and rise to the sunlit surface!

@Whitehydrangea my take on this his shitty dysfunctional childhood i agreee can definitely have had detrimental effect on him , hence the reason why his character psyche is like the way it is,

If he doesn't have any inclination to want to address his flaws in any way for example the obvious thing would be to want to go into doing therapy sessions, to explore his adverse childhood ,

It simply sounds to me that the emotional damage his fucked childhood is so deeply embedded into his psyche character even if he wanted to go to see a therapy whether he could change enough is extremely questionable and debatable

When he is out and about within society with friends workplace any given situation outside of home life,

he socially masks so much to fit in , to disguise 🥸 his true identity enough to get by , when he is at home he feels comfortable and secure enough to be his true self.

Why carry on analysing his character 🤔 and the reasons behind it?

life is far too short and it's essentially keeping you trapped in this emotionally dead limbo frozen marriage,

why not dare to start really living your life not just existing in a love less marriage relantship,

it sounds like he has checked out emotionally n the marriage some time ago,
and is only with you for the home comforts securities that bring in this situation gives him.

Make this new year your year
start a new years resolution the year you have fresh start and ditch leave this one?

Oops typo mistake
even if he did seek therapy, it would be questionable or debatable whether any amount of therapy would work for him as he sounds like he is psychologically being damaged so much

Leave him for good and surround yourself with genuine supportive people in your life ect

Please leave him and move on with your life.

My husband (of 30 years) shares very similar character traits to yours. On Christmas Day, I was completely shocked to accidentally come across a video ‘to brighten up his Christmas’ from a prostitute. It turns out that he has been seeing escorts and paying for sex for at least 12 years. I can’t believe that I had absolutely no idea this was going on. But I can now pinpoint the time he emotionally distanced himself from me.

I haven’t yet told him that I know about his sordid activities as I need to get my head around it all, get my ducks in a row and be in a strong and resilient headspace place before I serve him with divorce papers.

To answer your title Q: It's both. Behaviours that get termed as narcissistic traits are often the consequence of childhood trauma. It can help to understand why someone behaves as they do, but doesn't make it any less horrible for you to have to experience on the other side. And it also doesn't mean you have to tolerate those behaviours either.

Basically, this. Narcissism may well be genetic/inherent but as I understand it, there is a fairly high correlation between adult narcissists and those who have experienced childhood trauma.

What I have noticed with both of my DC and many of the DC around me is that arguably, children are inherently narcissists. They are very focused on themselves and have to be taught that the world doesn't work that way. I'm pleased to say that as they have got older, this behaviour has moved on. But I increasingly suspect that narcissists are at least partly the result of poor parenting that meant they never learnt better ways of being or matured properly and healthily.

You leave.

Ot doesn’t matter why he is that way. All that matters to you is that he is that way.

He won’t change for your sake.

You will destroy yourself if you stay and hope he changes, or try to get him to change.

I have diagnosed cptsd and am hyper independent because of childhood trauma. It doesn't mean I don't care about anyone else, it just means I never fully rely on/trust others to do things for me, because I learned early on that nobody ever truly had my back. I'm sure your DH could benefit from trauma based counselling, but what you've described isnt hyper independence.

Fucking hell life is too short for this OP! Why are women putting up with this!?