30 year friendship over?

[unhappy]

My bf and I had been friends for almost 30 years - but since last year I feel that our friendship is over. She has been having an affair for 4 years and began to only see me when I could be her alibi as her dp who is quite controlling likes me and sees me as a "safe friend". I stopped communicating with her in the hope that she would work it out but she didnt seem to and we have now lost touch apart from the ocassional brief txt at Christmas/New year/Birthdays etc. I dont know what to do about the situation I do miss her but too be honest dont find my life unbearable without her even though I going through a fairly stressful period in my own life with my DP's infidelity etc. Should I just let it go or should I try to patch things up with her? Part of me doesnt want to as she can be quite judgemental about my life even if she is not exactly a saint herself - I must sound like a real bi..h - just confused and would like to hear from others that have perhaps lost a friend like this and can offer me some advice - thanks

I'm sorry to hear that.

I had a similar problem with a friend of ten years standing - she was having an affair and it got messy (the wife would call her crying at 3am for eg) and I expressed my disapproval and said she was worth much more than this man, she got very angry and said I was 'jealous' and didn't understand because I'd never been married. That was about seven years ago but bizarrely she's since recently contacted me again via email and been quite friendly.

But I don't think we will ever go back to being 'friends' again. i think the cracked jar analogy is v helpful; you can piece it back together but it will never be as strong as it was before. i'm probably in the 'let it go school'. People do change and friendships with them.

But you haven't closed the door completely if you are still sending cards etc so maybe things will change in the future? i suppose the amount of effort you should put in must depend on how upset you feel that she's not in your life as much as she once was.

Thanks for your post Fryschocolate

is part of it resentment that she's treated you badly, yet sits in judgement? now you're going through difficulties she's not there for you. do you want to tell her that it wasn't ok?

i'm not sure you'll get your old pre-her-affair friendship back, and in that case, is it worth it?

Message withdrawn

warthog (great name) yeah she has treated me badly and she doesnt even seem to care and that hurts as I was always there for her she hasnt even picked up the phone to find out why I am not communicating with her!!

Doodletoyou think you are right too I dont want a part of her deceitfulness the crap in my own life hurts enough without having to think about covering for her too!! Looks like we dont have anywhere to go with this friendship even if it has lasted this long - shame really as she was the only person I was ever really honest with - guess I will just have to make some good cyber buddies

Thanks guys

sometimes you just have to ignore people behaving badly. If you don't have a row, just let it slide, then maybe it'll be there in the future for you? not sure if that makes sense!

lentengrrl its makes sense - am kind of letting things slide I suppose - I am going through some quite painful emotions right now and really miss having someone to talk to about them but dont want to just contact her for that and like I said above she is often judgemental and makes me feel worse. Feel really lonely at the moment over the past 4 years I seem to have become a bit of loner - weird really !!

Friends are so overrated.

I'd let the friendship go, unless SHE makes an active effort to contact you..

I had a friend just like this - we were friends for well over 15 years, but then I found out she'd been having an affair on her DH (WHo is a good friend of mine too) and using me as an alibi.

I also realised that she really liked when my life was going badly as she could 'step in' and rescue stuff. When my life is going well, she really can't be bothered with me.

The final straw was when she corrected me in public - I said she was married and she said 'NO, I'm divorced' - was she hell! I felt SOOO stupid and I realised that I was trying in vain to save something that wasn't worth saving

Since then, I've not made an effort to contact her, other than the occasional text and she hasn't once bothered to see if I'd like to meet up etc.,

My life isn't worse without this friend and it doesn't sound like yours is either

I always thought my friends were the best thing in my life!!

Well it does seem that neither of us is going to make the first move and I will continue to send her and her children cards for birthdays etc it seems petty not to but suppose I just feel seriously disappointed that after all this time she cant even be bothered to pick up the phone or text me to ask whats wrong - think she knows already as the very last time I saw her I did say I didnt like being part of her affair but it didnt stop her txting me a couple of days later asking if I would alibi her again - to which I finally said no I wouldnt !! Think perhaps I just need to move on and forget her rather than mourning the loss of our friendship - it really doesnt make difference to my life one way or teh other if shes in it - in fact it was getting pretty stressful making up excuses to my as to why she woudl appear and then suddenly disappear!!!

OK re-read my post - not the best thing in my life shoudl I say one of the best - kids obviously come first right !!!