What does a healthy relationship even feel like??

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I have had one negative relationship after another. My mum and dad fought like cat and dog when I was growing up and divorced when I was 16. I have stumbled into relationships which feel exciting and like they are 'the one' far too many times. And lo and behold, they bring some abuse with them: I kid you not, I have had economic abuse, physical abuse, silent treatment lots, coercive control, a narcissist, just abuse in so many forms.

I feel like I'm done with it all now, literally the first hint of a red flag and I'm running for the hills.

Anyhow, I'm seeing a guy, he's 3 years older than me, single, I'm attracted to him, he seems attracted to me, we like each other... I just don't feel that spark, that whirlwind, that crazy first falling in love feeling. It feels pleasant, and when we're in the bedroom we're all over each other so there is definitely attraction.

But because I don't know what healthy relationships feel like, I'm thinking maybe that's why this feels a bit odd?

Can anyone with a healthy relationship please tell me? Is it often a slow burner? Just a. Gradual getting to know each other and liking each other more and more bit by bit? I'm so used to declarations of love by now, we're about 7 weeks in. Im just used to people knocking my socks off in the first few weeks. That's not what I have, it's more like, I like him and I keep wanting to see him, and each time I like him a bit more. But it's not rainbows and butterflies, more like gradually liking a bit more each time.

Clearly I don't know what im doing, please advise accordingly

I had always had bad relationships before meeting my fiancé and I truly didn't think someone as lovely as him could even exist. I will say that ours wasn't really a slow burner and I was so attracted to him instantly (both looks and personality) BUT I do have lots of friends who had the opposite with their current partners, where it took quite a few dates for them to really start to like them. Everyone is different

It's also completely normal and healthy that 7 weeks in neither of you are declaring their love for eachother. Maybe see in a few more weeks / dates you are still feeling that there isn't that spark then perhaps he isn't the one for you and that's ok! It's fab that you now spot red flags early and seem to have found someone nice but I also wouldn't force yourself to settle if the chemistry isn't there.

But it's a great step in the right direction knowing what you want and deserve in a man. Perhaps give it a little longer as you never know it may be a slow burner, but also don't pressure yourself if not. X

Welcome to healthy relationships. Maybe boring, but boring sounds better than negative.

Declarations of love right from the start is a red flag. They were means to an end.
You could always go back to unhealthy relationships, if they are more fulfilling to you. You know more now than when all you had were bad relationships. You decide for yourself, no one can tell you what you should want in a relationship.

Felt like old souls seeing each other after a long absence. Conversation flowed with ease. Can talk about anything. Trust always. Always having each others backs.

Never needing to work hard, but at the same time, doing things for each other is a joy. Laughing all the time. Fancying the pants off one another (10 years going strong!)

Having things in common, also being able to disagree with understanding of each other.

Arguments being resolved without conflict, but with discussion and mutual respect.

I recall when I met my husband that it was easy. No drama, it just was peaceful and I could relax. My first boyfriend was horrible and I think I got used to the drama of that so I know what you mean, but that’s not sustainable. I’ve been with my husband now for 28 years.

This sounds nice OP. I’d stick with it and see what happens, but keep your wits about you too just in case as it’s still early days. Sounds like you have developed a keen awareness of red flags so I’m sure you will spot any if they appear. Maybe it’s just the first time you haven’t been lovebombed?

I was potty about my DH from early on. The lust was strong! But he didn’t try to charm me or sweep me off my feet. We just had a lot of great times together. Great sex and great conversations until the wee small hours. But it wasn’t intense- it was easy and pleasant from the word go and there was so much laughter (still is, 25 years on).

I really hope this can turn out to be a healthy and loving relationship for you both. 💐

It's just easy. You feel comfortable with them, as comfortable as with your best friend or someone you've known your whole life. You never have nothing to talk about. You agree on the big stuff.

I had an off/on boyfriend for years before which was all drama, and looking back I can't imagine why I kept going back. Such a faff!

I had a hideous and terrifying relationship before DH came along. It took me years to realise that the calm, relaxed, uncomplicated feelings I had with DH were what is actually normal. It felt strange because I didn't know "normal"
I'm never on eggshells waiting for him to flip. There's no fear, no sadness. There's laughing, happiness and peace. I just live.

Saying they love you before a few months have passed IME is love-bombing. Yes that is unhealthy and I'd say what you are experiencing now is probably more real. Even so, there are no guarantees, just bide your time, what's the rush?

This relationship sounds healthy OP.

You want to keep seeing him and appear to have a good time in
the bedroom 😉

This resonates.

At some point you realise, it doesn't have to feel difficult or impossible to be real.

It took me a few months to adjust to being in a healthy relationship and nearly self-sabotaged by starting to question if it was all too good to be true. Glad I didn't because it's been 10 years and we are still in love.

Agree with everyone's point to take your time to get to know him properly and where there are sincere red flags, don't bury your hand in the sand. Where there are no red flags, watch don't go "creating" them either especially when you are still adjusting into a healthier way of connecting and communicating.

Wish you the best of luck 💗

It's boring. There's no drama. Your friends ask you how it's going and you just say "yeah it's fine" or "yeah all good" because there's nothing to say - you just get on and love eachother.

A secure, happy relationship won't be a whirlwind. It'll be steady, solid and happy.

But I'd be careful - if your template for relationships is "drama/insecurity/conflict" you'll probably want to run away from a good relationship as it feels wrong. Get some therapy!

Are you sure you're on planet Earth?

Thank you so much for all of these really helpful comments, just what I need to help me understand my current phase.

Apologies, I sparked our last night and have only just read them, some great insight though, thankyou all so much!!

It might help you to do the freedom programme online to see how abusive and non abusive men behave but it sounds like your current relationship is how it should be - always worth being aware of red flags though

Sounds like the real world to me! It’s a lovely place to be when you’ve walked away from drama, lovebombing etc and found someone to be quietly happy with.