Successful sole residency (custody in old money)

[WarriorMummy]

Hi mums!
I need to divorce from my husband, but the idea that he could get a share of time alone with my son terrifies me.
I’ve taken some legal advice and the view is often that the law prefers a child to have two parents and to know their inlaws. No matter how toxic they are. I feel then that the only way to protect my son is to stay married. It is unbearable as my STBXH is in no way invested in me or our tiny family.

Has anyone successfully achieved sole residency? My son is 8 months old.
My STBX is nothing short of a monster and definitely unfit to parent - but it’s likely his parents will rent him a place and his mum and sisters will be the ones looking after my son (all are toxic and all enable exposure to harm to their existing kids/ grandchildren)

If you stay, your DC spends 100% of their time in a home of toxicity, abuse, and unsafeness. If you split, your DC has the chance of a peaceful, safe, loving home for at least half the time. Plus it's unlikely that your ex will follow through with consistent time with DC in the long term; it involves boring caregiving and consistency that he'll probably lose interest in if it turns out not to be an opportunity to abuse you by proxy.

What proof do you have?
Presumsbly as he is a monster you have already fled? And reported him to police ?

It really depends on what you mean by 'he is a monster'

You're talking about going to family courts to apply for sole residency, and potentially have his parental rights removed

On what grounds do you believe this would be in the best interest of your child, to be removed from half of his family.

What kind of harm? Are they known to social services? Police?

Change your name and do a flit...

I have a lot of proof of his behaviour to me and why he can’t be left alone with my son. It’s just whether that would be sufficient. Even SS seam to keep DV families together with a support worker

I don’t want to over identify but won’t stay awake to observe his child who is sick and needs obs. Kicks the dog in his freshly operated leg because the dog is in the way of him getting comfy in a king bed.

Is this documented? Do you keep a diary? Abusive messages etc? Has any of the abuse been reported to SS or police?

If it's well documented he may only get supervised contact in a contact centre. Also, regardless of how abusive he is, courts are unlikely to remove an 8 month old baby from their mother for any period of time.

Thank you. Yes all documented , and some video

I am just concerned that I could lose

Studies show 50% bad parent time can be emotionally damaging

Sorry I mean thanks for the post. It’s not that straightforward and definitely has a lot to do with the toxic outlaw exposure I couldn’t control in a share. Unless I got a court order. It’s twisted, the law can’t prevent access of no legal rights to access

I just really wanted to know if anyone had managed this and what evidence was needed. The perspective I get from family lawyers is it’s so unlikely, courts like children to have 2 parents and access to their extended family ( no matter how bad )

Your dc has a right to a relationship with both parents unless there is actual harm being done (or likely) to the child - not you, or the dog, and you will need hard evidence of this to even attempt to get sole residency. Even convicted child abusers don't get parental responsibility revoked in the majority of cases.

Was he solely in charge of dc when they were ill? What sort of illness was it that required obs overnight but not serious enough to be in hospital?

I'm playing devil's advocate op. If the relationship is toxic you should leave - worst case scenario is 50/50 (which means dc is only with dad 50% of the time instead of 100% currently) - best case is he gives up with contact.

Has he harmed you or your son? Or anyone else?

I’m playing the same as what you say is so true. The law changed in 2014 and a recent gov enquiry found evidence of harm with sex offenders still getting access.

You have almost next to no chance of him getting zero contact.

Even the worst abusers get supervised contact.

There has to be concrete evidence of him perpetrating harm to his son and future risk for contact to be reduced or supervised.

I'm four years on in the family court with the very worst kind of abuser who actually abused his infant daughter physically and there's evidence of it.. he's still having supervised in a contact centre.

On Mumsnet, 50/50 seems to be the norm. Which is very strange because I have countless divorced/separated friends and relatives and not a single one of them has an ex who does more than every other weekend. It might sound horribly misandrist but I don’t think the majority of men would want shared custody. Even if they did it for spite initially (to get out of paying CM) they’d soon get fed up.

I am so sorry to read this. Xx

From experience and involvement with social services you have no chance of having sole custody of your child , unless you have absolute proof of abuse to your child your partner will get some access , so many women lie about being abused to gain control of their children that courts have gone the other way allowing fathers (sometimes even abusive men to have access , sad but true

Could you take a different approach and maybe make out like you really NEED him to have his DS 50% of the time. If he can’t manage as you know how much he struggles then can he get his family to help him. That you have plans to get your life back and need days (particularly weekends) to yourself.
Most of the demands to have equal access by unfit fathers are control mechanisms on the mother and a way to hurt or get back at them. They know taking the kids away hurts the mother so that’s what they do.
But if he thinks you WANT him to have the baby more he might just do the opposite. He also won’t like you having weekends where you could - god forbid- DATE someone and move on, so I imagine any plans for him to have the baby will fall through suddenly, usually with little notice with the sole purpose of inconveniencing you and your plans.
All that said, a court is unlikely to let him have overnights with his dad at this age, but longer term you need to use his own psychology against him.

A friend of mine successfully achieved zero access to her child, but her ex partner was a criminal who had done jail time for violent crimes and drugs and he beat her up so badly in front of their toddler son that she nearly died (strangled her). This was a long time ago now (approx 15 years ago). Horrific. She and her son were rehoused in a different part of the county and has had to hide their identities (no SM etc) to this day. So sorry you're going through such an awful situation.