Codependent Mother/Daughter going downhill fast

[Woodenwonder]

Background:

21 yo daughter, I split with her father when she was 8. Am remarried. DD lives with me, though she spent a large portion of last year working away and uni before that.

We are inseparably close and always have been, to the envy of my friends who's relationships with their own daughters when they were younger were quite toxic. Yes I felt good about this at the time. I felt that I had navigated my DD successfully out of a nuclear family and into a co-parenting situation seamlessly and we were just the very best of friends. However, when DD's father and I split, he entered into a relationship with an abusive woman who abused him and DD and she witness a lot of domestic stress and abuse. Police involvement etc. Once I knew the extent of what was going on, I extricated DD until she was old enough to make her own decisions to see her dad. Anyway fast forward, they reconciled when he was divorced from the wife and when DD was 18.

By the way, my friends are all now really close with their adult daughter - we seem to be moving in the opposite direction...

She has always leaned on me to be mum and dad and I stepped up. Now we're stuck in codependency and since she worked away and then returned home, our home life is tetchy bordering on abusive (her to me) at least 50% of every week. We have the normal frustrations of two adults living under the same roof and negotiating that new way of living together, but we also really are struggling to communicate well and this invariably ends up with what can only be described as abuse towards me, name calling etc. Her father and I genuinely never argued and split up on good terms, so I know this must be modelled on what she observed with his next wife. It was honestly better for both DD and I when she was abroad and when we were separate as our relationship felt healthy and loving, with no fall outs. On top of that, she had to solve everything herself and be independent and that was so good for both her and me as I could not go to her rescue all the time when something didn't go the way she wanted it. She has always been a little entitled due to being our only child and then probably me making it a lot worse by over compensating when her relationship with her dad was taken away from her by the abusive partner. I take ownership of that, but she was never as angry and unpleasant as she currently.

She had a very bad break up at the end of 2022 and the repercussions are still rearing their head...I just want her to be happy and for me to act on the fact that I know I cannot solve her every problem or ensure she never ever feels a sad emotion.

I am an adult who has done my time with my life centering completely around DD, I love her unreservedly and I am also 52 and ready to have my life, my choices & my home. I am also married to DH who DD is very close to (9 years) however we live between two homes as that is dictated by our work. I would happily move to DH's home and let DD have my house to herself to let her live her adult life but she gets upset at that idea that she would miss me and truth be told I'd miss her too.

Help me navigate/extricate so we both can have a health, progressive adult relationship please.

Anybody experienced the same? or words of wisdom please...

What are her future plans? Does she have a job? Anyone she could house share with?
It seems clear that what you both need is for her to live separately - of course you would still support her by phone or visit but with her being much more independent day to day. So is she working towards that?

If her living separately isn’t possible yet then could you move to more of a “flatmates” type set up - each does their own laundry, own cooking etc, sometimes you choose to sit and chat or have a meal together but mostly you don’t? Frankly, in your shoes I wouldn’t want to be doing much for someone who was treating me so badly, but also it will be better for her long term to be more independent in this way and will mean she misses you less when she does eventually move out.

What are the main flashpoints for arguments?

You say she's entitled but you're considering gifting her your house to live in?? That sounds like a way to ensure her current attitude continues, and she misses out on a whole load of adult experience in sorting out her own living, which would teach her a lot....

Does she have a job and able to support herself?

I'd be very clear that any name calling is not allowed and if she continues you'll ask her to leave.

You need to put boundaries in place, she's an adult who's living in YOUR house

Thanks for responding,

She has a temping job whilst she's deciding what to do next and it's difficult with the idea of getting a house of her own - her father is very wealthy and when their relationship was up and down he would confide in her that she has a trust fund that she'd get access to in her 20s and also that he'd help her buy her own house etc, but then the talk of this would just disappear on other days when she didn't go and see him etc (so quite controlling of him) so in fairness to her she must not know whether she's coming or going planning things financially...I've always advised her to stand on her own two feet and anything she might inherit/be gifted is a bonus. She has always worked, but she has also always had me to fall back on for free housing/food etc and to be honest, with the cost of living I do need her to contribute more as an adult as well, more out of fairness than anything else. She does pay towards the utilities but that is it and not graciously but after asking her repeatedly which of course turns into nagging, so that is jarring.

Our main flash points are the old "treating it like a hotel" and by that I mean, she will complain that the food I've cooked for her isn't to her liking, the fabric conditioner isn't the smell she likes etc etc. And of course that compounds me not wanting to do anything for her as it's so ungrateful and ungracious so those niggles where I say "ok, I am ok if you make your own food/do your own washing" build because then she'll be in a mood and think that I'm not being 'mum' to her anymore and don't care and the whole house feels stormy.

I do get guilt-tripped by her quite a lot and I know she's got hang ups from the 10 year situation with her dad, but I'm the one who gets the brunt because I'm her soft landing.

And I want to be the landing, always, but not in a way that is not helping her or me.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm planned conversation (ie not sparked by an argument) along the lines of her becoming more independent and doing her own laundry, cooking, share the cleaning, etc.

Explain this is not just to take burden off you or because of the arguments - it is for her own benefit as she will need to know how to do this longer term. This is you being a good mum, you are teaching her not withdrawing your support or love. You will be happy to show her how to do this stuff. Also you’re always there for a hug but not to be shouted at.

Easier said than done I know!

I agree with your advice that she should assume she needs to support herself and any help from her dad is a bonus that may or may not materialise. You say she is “deciding what to do next” might it help her (in a tough love kind of way) to have a deadline to apply for more career type jobs? A lot of young adult DC seem to drift into years of temp jobs while living comfortably at home and I don’t think it does them any favours really.

I'd say less talk and more action.
Jut stop doing her laundry, tell her if she wants specific products she needs to come shopping with you /add to the shopping list or online shop. If she moans about the food, tell her she is welcome to make suggestions and to meal plan, cook and shop. It's not you causing a problem. Say the minimum possible, in a civil way, and and put the shopping list and meal plan somewhere obvious.
If she doesn't do anything about it, don't say anything, just cook what you want and ignore her washing.
Get her to set up a DD for her share of utilities and bills, like anyone in a flat share would do. Agree a set amount per month, tell her you don't like having to ask for it so a DD will be fine. As an example, DS pays me £350 pm which just about covers food and his share of bills, but not a rent element.
If you want to avoid a long discussion, just set out in writing what the expenses are, total them, show what her % share is and ask how much does she think she should pay. You may well be happy to accept a reduced amount, but she needs to know what it comes to, and to understand how much you are currently subbing her. If she doesn't even know, she can't be appreciative.
The situation with her father is not your fault and you don't need to compensate financially. If he choses to give her funds for a house, that's between them. At this point, I wouldn't even consider giving her your house - if you want to do that further down the line, you'd be better off waiting till she understands the value of the gift. She's too young to have the responsibility of her own house. Don't even discuss it, it won't help her to know it's a possibility in the years to come.

Did she ever get counselling for what she witnessed at her dad's? This might all be about that, and you are getting the brunt of it because you are her safe place?