DP acts as if he dislikes me most of the time, its been going on for three years

[Fryschocolate]

and I would really appreciate any advice. I've almost decided that the only thing to do is to leave him but we have a dd aged 3. She absolutely loves him and he is a great dad. That makes me sadder because he clearly has the capacity to be gentle and loving - he just rarely shows it to me. Its been getting worse over the years; we can't seem to talk about anything without him flying off the handle, we don't have sex as he says he has 'no desire for me' when I've suggested splitting up in the past he's organised counselling but nothing changes. He says the problem is me and my 'tone of voice' but then he refuses to discuss anything with me for eg our lack of sex life. i see other couples being affectionate with one another and it just makes me want to cry. I would try to build bridges and he just pushes me away both emotionally and literally. I don't want to live like this any longer but I am worried about my daughter and what it will do to her if I/we leave.

But what kind of message will you be giving your DD about what relationships are like if you stay together unhappily? Do you want her growing up thinking it's ok to be in a relationship with no affection and where one partner isn't gentle and loving to the other.

Just because you split up with DP doesn't mean your DD will loose him as a father or 'miss out' on anything.

I think you know what you need to do.

2 happy parents apart are better than 2 strained parents together IMO. If as you say he is a gd father and you can separate amicably then he will still see her, so although difficult at first, it would be better in long run? you dont deserve to be unhappy.

I should have included the geography problem - we moved from the UK to Australia in October (he's got a two year visa) and i thought it would be a brilliant idea, he was only angry, miserable etc because of all the stress at home (I was working full time and had a long commute) Now I'm only part time and the fridge is always full, the house clean and I cook all the meals... and if anything he's got worse. If I go it means going back to the UK and either way dd won't get to see one of her parents for a long time in between visits.

Fry,what an awful situation for you. I can see it is not going to be easy if you have to leave. Will your partner be moving back to the uk?

hmm thats a tough one, is there anyway to work things out with your OH?

I really don't know what he will do. 3 weeks ago I asked him if we could sit down and really talk about stuff otherwise I was leaving and not coming back. He told me he was 'very busy' until last Thurs and then we would talk. we haven't talked. Last night he went and got drunk with the neighbours (who we have met once before) rather than talk.

I am worried he will get very nasty. He won't want to leave Australia at this point as he's only just started his new job and it won't look good for him if he quits now.

I just want to go home but I know it will be so awful for my dd - she's had a temperature tonight and said that 'only daddy' was allowed to give her calpol.

I don't know whether I should give it another go for her sake - maybe with a time limit of six months? Or just say sod it, I've wasted enough time already.

I would do the latter sod it option, Do you have a gd relationship with your DD if you were to be really brutally honest? if your OH isnt willing to work on relationship then he doesnt deserve you or your daughter

I think we do have a good relationship but she does seem to have a stonger one with her dad; she worries that he's not coming back if he isn't home before her bed time. I don't know if this is a father/daughter thing or whether i'm just the boring, disciplining parent that she spends all day with

Life with DP isn't intolerable; I just feel very sad that I am not loved in the way I would like to be and that we can't seem to talk about it.

Is it selfish to throw in the towel now?

Can you start counselling on your own? At least you'd be able to talk, even if it's not with him, to begin with. Would that help? Organise it, tell him you're going and he's welcome to join you.

We've been to counselling twice in two years; Relate and a private counsellor. He agreed with everything that was said - we need to talk to each other! But nothing has changed.

I wrote down the top ten issues that I thought were the most serious/important, gave him the list, asked him to think about it, add anything he thought was important and then we would talk about it.

I said whenever he was ready to talk I was here and ready. That was three weeks ago. He's ignoring it.

Tbh I feel resentful and angry at the thought of going thru counselling again but then I think that if I want to say I'm a good parent, i should do it for my daughter's sake.

I suppose I just want to be told, of course you are right to go, your daughter will be fine. But I know it's not that simple.

Oh you poor thing. I dont really have any answers but your op made me feel so sad for you. I think Seabrights suggestion to have counselling on your own is a good one. It may help you to feel clearer about what you want and the way forward. Take care.