Panic feeling when I see bf

[daysoff]

I’m 40s with two kids. Left abusive marriage a few years ago and had lots of therapy to start to recover. I’ve had a new bf for about a year, he also has kids. I see him about once a fortnight, sometimes with the kids but more often without (get a babysitter).

After I’ve seen him I often feel very anxious and have panic dreams. I can feel the panic swirling in my body and head and it takes me a day or so to recover.

I can’t work it out. I think he’s a good guy and I’ve known him for ages. I can’t work out if it’s because I was abused and have ptsd or whether there’s something about this situation specifically. I also can’t work out if it’ll get better with time, or indicates I shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

Has anyone experienced similar or got any insight? I often feel sad and drained after we’ve seen each other, even if it’s been a great time.

Does anyone have any ideas? I feel like this now. Thanks

Following out of interest.

I'd imagine it's because deep down you don't trust your ability to make good decisions about relationships and avoid being trapped in an abusive situation.

The anxiety is your subconscious telling you to get out because relationships are bad news.

But what you're doing (casual, not moving in together in a hurry) is exactly the way to proceed and test your responses.

Can you write yourself a personal manifesto/relationship rules etc setting out what is important to you, what you won't tolerate etc, or read books on the subject? You could even have a monthly review where you check in and think about whether the relationship is working for you, any areas of concern etc.

Yeah it'll be the PTSD. Your default is anxiety when you are in a relationship, because of your previous experiences.

I experience similar when I try to go to bed when it's early. It's linked to a time in my life when I was really struggling (abusive relationship, childhood trauma resurfaced) and at that time I happened to have a job where I had to be in bed at 9pm - when I was in bed and everything was quiet would be the time it was the worst.
Now I have crushing anxiety for absolutely no reason if I try to go to bed before 11pm - it's funny how these things come out.

I don't think it means you can't be in a relationship but I would try to access some therapy if you can, to work through it

I’m so grateful to hear your experience. I guess it is ptsd. I’ve been reading about this lots and having therapy but hadn’t really matched it up to this particular feeling, which was very marked. Horrid stuff

@daysoff it is absolutely dreadful, yep. I'm not the best person to advise on how to get past it either because I still really struggle.

I guess it's just about learning to manage it as well. I like the idea a previous poster has written about having a journal/some sort of written record of how the relationship is going - is he treating you well, are there any red flags, how does he make you feel etc. That way every time you feel anxious you can look over it and, if there's nothing wrong, you'll know that it's 'you' rather than the situation or him.
Over time this may help ease your anxieties because you'll realize over and over again that they're stemming from previous trauma. It's about neuroplasticity and rewiring your brain - probably won't be a short road but it is possible

Once a fortnight - are you happy with that?

Not especially but it’s all we can do- we live a distance apart

bump