Separation two years on, and stuck

[Newyearnewnamechange]

It's two years since I separated from ExH and everyday I have felt guilty for not trying harder, guilty for blowing up my DCs life by leaving and trying to provide a new home and new life away from the toxic marriage and unhappy home.

We are co parenting but Ex is does not communicate about anything much and has not taken me up on discussing the marriage breakdown. Not then and not now. In my heart of hearts I regret the whole thing and I still wish we were able to make things work. I know I will always feel like this, no matter how much time passes. But he didn't want to communicate or couldn't and I drove myself nearly into an early grave trying.

My DC is my only joy, I don't have close family and friends and everyday I feel a mixture of relief and anxiety. I am in no hurry but feel stuck and hanging from a thread, mainly torturing myself. I am stuck. I'm fully aware of the reasons why the marriage ended and remind myself daily but I still feel a lot of regret. I have no idea how to go forward into this new year. I'm not sure why I'm posting, I just need to get this off my chest and asking for a handhold.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way 😔 No one makes a decision to separate lightly and it sounds like you had good reason to leave, especially as your ex is still not communicating properly with you!

It can be easy to imagine what life would be like had you stayed, but the truth is you will never know. It could have been worse. Therapy might help you talk through this.

If it helps, I once read children are better off with divorced parents rather than those that stay in an unhappy relationship.

You’ve done the right thing, OP.

You’ve saved DC from the lifelong ill-effects of growing up in an unhappy home, living in a constantly bad atmosphere, ‘learning’ all the wrong lessons about how people should treat those they claim to love.

It’s hard right now, but every day that passes takes DC, and you, further away from all that psychological harm.

I hope this year brings happiness to you and DC xx

You’re stuck because you haven’t accepted that your Ex wasn’t and still interested in repairing your relationship. You can either stay stuck or make the decision to build a future without him. You have a child, ‘choosing to stay stuck’ isn’t good for them.

Thanks for the replies. @Ofcourseshecan @Popcorn23 yes it was the most difficult thing to leave the marriage and I really did so to get myself and DC away from the bad, unhappy atmosphere that became unbearable for all. But I don't feel I've improved DCs life, I've made it worse in other ways.

You’re stuck because you haven’t accepted that your Ex wasn’t and still interested in repairing your relationship.

@AgentJohnson yes that hits the nail on the head. I've been left with no answer as he doesn't talk. He has agreed to talk a few times but then it doesn't happen. I guess if he wanted to repair the relationship I would know about it though.

I feel like a complete failure and feeling the regret of leaving every day. I feel like I've ruined me and my DCs life.

Any advice welcome please.

@Newyearnewnamechange your issue here is trying to talk. You have nothing more to say to each other. You left, that’s that. So why do you keep trying to talk to him? If you cared about him you’d leave him alone not keep trying to open up old wounds and above all else you are hurting yourself and your child by doing so.
You left a toxic relationship and your energy should be on making a great life for your DC. You need to focus on what that will look like and what steps you need to take to get there. Not chase after what could have been in a different life.

I think your feelings are normal but maybe now is the time to consider therapy to move on?

@PepsiCoco thanks yes, this is a blunt way to put it, but it seems we have nothing more to say to each other on the matter. Nevertheless it makes me feel even more guilty. I just cannot understand how he can stay silent and I suppose he may be stuck too.

@Starryskies1 yes I've been afraid of going back to counselling. I did one on one counselling in the lead up to leaving my marriage and I actually felt I became too dependent on the counsellor. I just cannot trust my own judgement I think. I made a self referral to the local NHS therapy service but I'm still waiting.

I know I better shake myself out of this thinking for DC sake and move on with my life. It is just very difficult. I do not know whether moving on means starting divorce proceedings for example, that really would be the final nail in the coffin.

Bumping for any hand hold.
I can't sleep and having flashbacks of my wedding day which feels like a lifetime ago and I cannot understand how I got from there to where I am now. I know it is stress but sometimes feel like I have had a mental breakdown quietly all by myself😧

I think you’re grieving for your marriage and life as you thought it would be. No personal experience but I suspect that’s normal. It also sounds like you’re shouldering all of the responsibility for the split seeing as he won’t/can’t talk about anything so you’re left feeling like it’s your fault for doing anything about the unhappiness by ending the marriage.

OP in many cases I suspect it’s easier to stay. Leaving isn’t the easy option. It does sound like divorce would be the final nail, but what is the alternative? Surely you don’t want to get back together? Maybe that final nail will actually help you?

Even though I ended my marriage I felt regret at what could have been, totally normal. However, unlike you, I've been able to discuss it with my ex as we sometimes co-habit for various reasons. It took several years before he could acknowledge his own failings contributed to the final outcome. I must admit, that did give me closure. Yes, things haven't been easy but if ever I doubt myself I just think back to those early days and thank my lucky stars I had the guts to do something. Our DC is happy and that's all that's important to me.
The next chapter of my life is imminent (divorce should go through this month and hopefully house sale). I can't wait to start my new life and can really put it all behind me. It's been a long slog and tbh, I'm on my knees. Never ever again will I entwine my life with another man.