So disappointed in old friends

[Thefirstime]

I’ve been totally and intentionally left out of a group of old mates for many years now.. a couple of them I’m still in touch with but I get the feeling intentions aren’t pure and that they merely want to check in with me, see what I’m upto and where I’m at..

I recently got back in touch with another friend only to find out I haven’t been invited to her events either..

I suppose it started when I called
one supposed friend out for flirting with my husband.. I called her up and had a go.. (she had his number and was messaging)

I’ve always been ‘nice’ not conflict easily and people always have access and know I’m available and that I’d love to be included..

yet they intentionally leave me out.. 2 of my so called friends were in my area (about 10mins away) at a park with the kids and never called me or popped in..

not too sure where I’ve gone wrong, but my husband says it’s jealousy and a desire to make you upset.. he could be well be right but how does that help me..?

it’s massively affected my self confidence and ability to meet new people thinking there is something majorly wrong with me..

i know I need to build myself up again and work on meeting new peopl, I just wish I had the level of confidence to do so..

any advice??

It seems more like your husband is the problem here…

Was your husband messaging your friend back?

No he told me straight away- I saw the msgs

Well she has clearly labelled your dh as the culprit and her as the victim... Imo.

You say they leave you out - which can feel so upsetting - what happens when you suggest a get together?

Why do you think your friends intentions when they get in touch are not good? The questions you have said they ask seem perfectly normal conversation openers.

It's quite difficult for any friendship to survive an accusation of flirting with one's husband. Such an issue tends to be final. And others may have taken her side/ version of events. Maybe ask yourself why this is.

When you said they weren’t inviting you to their ‘events’, I thought you meant weddings or parties for significant milestones etc — I wouldn’t necessarily think to call even a very close friend to see if they wanted to go to the park, or drop in to their house with little or no notice…?

But as you say they haven’t been inviting you to things for years, why are you upset about it now? Or surprised that someone you say you ‘got back in touch with’) hadn’t invited you to things when you weren’t in touch? Do you invite them to your things?

Friendships shift, change and die off for all kinds of reasons. It certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. And I wouldn’t assume the friends from the group who stay in touch individually are doing so with bad intentions.

I'd be hesitant to get in touch with a friend who accused one of our friends of flirting with their husband and then called and had a go at her. What exactly was said in the text to your husband?

I would guess that the one you accused of flirting with your husband told the others and they believe her version of events. They may well then keep a bit of distance so they are not also accused or drawn into discussing it.
What does your husband think they are all jealous of ? Did something occur that meant they went from not jealous to jelous?
It would not occur to me to necessarily invite someone to a park and I also wouldn't want someone other than a really close friend just turning up without warning and nor would I do it to someone else.

I’ve been totally and intentionally left out of a group of old mates for many years now..

I recently got back in touch with another friend only to find out I haven’t been invited to her events either..

They are not really your mates any more then, are they. How long is it since you last saw any of them? Do you contact them and suggest meet ups etc?

I would let this go. They aren't your friends anymore.

Any time I have suggested meeting up they have either cancelled last minute or just said they can’t make it so I have given up.. one or 2 still reach out

they all still hang out and the ones I meet for dinner often talk about it in a way to rub it in..

I try keep it light and accept -

I almost don’t want them to have access to me anymore - my life, photos, kids

they always look at my Instagram posts stories, like literally every one - sounds petty to mention that I know.. but shows they are looking..

I agree they are definitely not friends anymore

They aren't your friends. It really is as simple as that

They are not old friends, they used to be friends. There's a difference. Move on. Forget these people. If you come across one another, be polite, but that's it.

Go and find some new people to be friends with. I'd suggest you find individual friends rather than trying to join an established group.

Agree. Friend groups can be quite toxic/cliquey. Maybe take up a new hobby and you could make some new friends.

Thank you xx

Accept that they are ex friends. See the ones that reach out if you want to but not if they try to make you feel bad by talking about the others activities and as you say 'rubbing it in'. Make sure you're not overthinking there though, they might just be updating you with no malice intended. You will know which! Its probably better to start making new friends as there is too much history involved with this bunch, so a fresh start is best.

It’s a tough one as I know (as do they) if I pull away I don’t currently have anyone else / other group… for self respect I will indeed move on - I deserve better - thanks for the input x

They aren’t your friends any more and haven’t been for some time.
I would be pulling away from all of them, de-friending on social media sites etc.
They are nosey and just want to see that you aren’t having a better time than they are.
Cut your losses and move on, be polite when necessary but you really don’t need to give this bunch any more of head space as it’s not doing you any good.
As for flirting with your husband well what sort of friend does that?