Any advice on how to be happy when married to a man who has depression?

[Depressedhusbandbringingmedown]

I’ve been married to my DH for 10 years and he often gets depressed during times I could really do with him being present.
Examples:
•Christmas
•Holidays
•When we have visitors
•Free weekends

He’s had lots of psychotherapy, is on Sertraline, his life isn’t particularly stressful but his depression is so hard for me to deal with. It’s like I’m living my life happily then he vanishes into a lethargic, miserable hole and I’m left to hold everything. It’s very isolating and though I know he can’t help it I can’t help but feel sad/ angry and then when he is ready to reconnect with me, I’m exhausted because I’ve been having to do the work of 2 parents to keep the home running etc. I click into independent mode and find his presence irritating.

On a bodily level I go through this sort of grief more and more regularly and it’s draining the life out of me.

Anyone else with a depressed husband that can offer coping tips?

Thank you!

That sounds really hard. Is he having therapy?

Depression.would not generally last just a few weeks so I would query his diagnosis.

I was going to write a post similar to this. Nothing useful to suggest but I know what you are going through, it's very draining.

@Thistlelass where have you got "a few weeks" from? It sounds a much more long term problem than that.

Has he had a medication review recently? Anti depressants can be a bit hit/miss until you get the right type and dose. Sertraline didn't suit my husband, but duloxetine did.

Its an awful illness to get balance with.

I have gone through the same thing, OP - it’s very tough.
Might be worth speaking with your GP to see what support is available in the local area, there are support groups for men and it can help to share. It might also be worth him requesting a psychiatry assessment as it sounds as if his depression has become overwhelming.

The poster mentions him being 'depressed' at times like Christmas, holidays etc. This kind of suggests this is something other than a significant episode of clinical depression. Seems to be more of a reaction to life stressors but just my thoughts.

Perhaps he just doesn't like to see other people being happy. There are loads of women who have partners that systematically ruin every special occasion for their own perverse benefit. This is not unusual by any stretch, and just because he may have real, diagnosed depression, doesn't mean he's not a selfish, self-absorbed twat, as well.

You don't have to live like this, op. You do not have to bear the burden of his issues for the rest of your life if you can no longer cope with this.

Thank you for your replies.
He is a good person but his low moods and constant need to go for sleeps makes me feel lonely.
He’s not under psychiatrist care just given Sertraline from his GP. I don’t think reviews happen automatically. I wish he would get a referral to a psychiatrist though because once he’s over his depressive episodes get forgets that he’s had an impact on me and then it happens again.
He’s anxious too. Both make it hard for me.

Focus on yourself. You are not responsible for his happiness. Get the black dog book set to use to explain to the kids what's going on. Try and talk to people in RL so you can get extra help when you need it. It's tough but doable.

My husband is currently in a depressed phase. The year kind of goes like this:
Mar-Nov not around much, too busy to do jobs around the house. Does basics like food shopping and taking kids to clubs/school.
Nov-Feb-doesnt want to do anything, stays in house and plays on computer. Very argumentative. Grumpy. Shouts alot.
I don't let him sleep all day. We take it in turns to get up 1st/do school run and to cook so unless he's actually ill with something he has to do these things.
No real.advice as we're on verge of breaking up. Have you had any therapy?
I know when my stepdad was depressed he blamed it on my mum so then she had counselling to deal with it.
Is he just socially anxious? Is it the people coming over he doesn't like at xmas or the change of routine or the fact everyone is meant to be happy...
Maybe look for a support group

He checks out when he’s needed and doesn’t give a shit about you being trapped by his refusal to take any responsibility.

I would find it unforgivable. So selfish. Not the depression - his response to it and to his family.

I spoke to him about it last night and he said that he hadn’t been depressed over Christmas but that he had in fact been ill.
it is true, for a month now he’s had a cold which led to norovirus over Christmas. But his behaviour has felt the same as when he’s depressed. His sudden vanishing act.

He told me that maybe we are chalk and cheese and that he can’t match my energy levels. This made me feel othered and as though he was just saying take it or leave it.

When I said that I feel deeply lonely regularly in our relationship because anything and everything that actually happens is due to my energy, time, exertion and money.

I asked him what he feels our shared goals are because at present it feels as though he’s a reluctant passenger in my life who I lug around, making a fool of myself because he doesn’t appear to want to be there. He denied this saying he is just happy with anything as long as he’s with me.

I told him that every time we have a holiday or a weekend dedicated to family he just lays around. He said that he can’t help being so tired all the time. I disagree and think that if you’re so tired you can’t help your wife with family life then you should see a doctor and not just accept it.

In the summer he is grumpy because he hates the heat and gets bad hay fever so I’m alone all summer. At Christmas, he backs off and lets me do everything. When I bill him for all the presents, he’s shocked at how much it all costs despite me giving him some of my wages so that we both have the same amount of disposable income at the end of each month.
I just wish he’d change.

We have been going to therapy and I felt a lot of hope because he became proactive and our relationship felt safe and happy for the first time in ages after only a few sessions. We’ve not been for a month because our therapist took time off. But we are back in January so I hope we can claw things back.

Unluckily, he finally took viagra for impotence issues and it was amazing. It has caused him to go deaf in one ear with no recovery which, as a musical person he is gutted about.

His ED is worsened by anti-depressants but if he doesn’t take these he becomes a grumpy, angry man and now he can’t take Viagra because it has caused him to go deaf.

I feel so sad and I know I’m definitely trapped because I’d never want to coparent DD with him as it’s hard enough as it is.

Im in a state of grief which is hard.

I asked if he thought he had clinical depression, GAD or even autism but he won’t entertain any such suggestion.

I'm in a very similar situation. It's so difficult. My DH has always had periods of depression but he's now properly clinically depressed and has been for over a year. He's taken citalopram for over 10 years, but it just wasn't enough last year and he's been trying out different combinations since. He can sleep for 16 hours a day. It's having a really detrimental effect and there's no green shoots if recovery. I'm beginning to wonder if there ever will be. It's dragging me down, I'm drained and and fed up with it. I told him I had 'compassion fatigue' the other day as every conversation seems to be a heavy one about how he's feeling. Depression is a selfish condition (in that he's only focused on himself and has no interest in me or the DCs) and very hard on the partner. I'm watching here for advice too OP. Thanks for starting the thread

@Depressedhusbandbringingmedown This sounds very tough, l can understand you feeling trapped. I think you must try to get him to see his GP and explain that the Sertraline isn't doing the job.
Another anti depressant could work better for him, its often a question of trial and error to find the right one. Also some A/D's do not impact on sex drive so again its worth exploring that.
I would also push for him to have counselling to help with his anxiety and general low mood. If he was just taking some steps towards helping himself l sure you'd feel better and more hopeful.

Hate to be cynical but my first thought was that it's an act during times you are happy, in order to bring you down. Common from abusive men.
Have there been other abusuve behaviours?

Alternatively, for some reason he just gets worse during the holidays...but I dunno op it sounds like it's put on at times to cause you more stress.

I couldn't be arsed with that tbh. You're own mental health has to come first. You don't have to stay with someone who is never going to get better and make your life a misery. Stop trying to cope and making yourself sick. End it and run for the hills.

I hate to be harsh but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He just seems to be dragging you down. The depression coupled with the erectile dysfunction would be enough for me to end it. Sorry OP but life is short and you have needs too. Are you supposed to sacrifice your wants and needs on the altar of his?

I'm afraid I left my depressed husband. I couldn't handle it any more. He is a life long depressive. In my naivety I thought I could help him. I am a naturally bright, optimistic and positive person. In the end he dragged me down. There was no joy and laughter in our house anymore and I realised that our child needed at least one happy parent. It was tough for a couple of years, but we actually coparent really well now and he is happier being on his own and not having to deal with the stresses of a relationship.

It’s good when it’s good and we have thrown our lot in together. Both paths will be hard, leaving or staying.

I talked to him about how I feel abandoned when he vanishes.

He got really angry with me and said that over Xmas he was not depressed, he was just ill and he knew that he’d be ‘billed’ by me afterwards. I was hurt by this because I looked after, him, our DD, organised her birthday party alone, dealt with buying a new washing machine, buying food, dealing with the broken boiler and I said that I felt our communication had broken down.

He threw all sorts of insults at me accusing me of shouting and him (I didn’t at all) told me I’m a witch, that I’m weird that I’m a banshee and that I interrupted him even though he continuously interrupted me.

Our couples counsellor had told us to check in with each other regularly and tell each other how we are feeling but if I tell him about any need or feeling other than happy he makes it very clear that this is unacceptable to him by either not responding with empathy or by being outright angry at me an accusing me of being ‘angry, het up, throwing my teddies out of the pram’ he’s even accused me of being a bad mother because I work full time and he feels that’s neglectful of our 7 year old (who is at school most of the time anyway).

We have been receiving couples counselling and things had been improving drastically. But as usual he can’t handle the real intimacy and pulls back and doesn’t engage with the tasks we’ve been set. The trouble is, he doesn’t admit that he’s pulled back so I’m left feeling very lonely yet again. It’s exhausting.!

Eventually I got through to him that I was just trying to tell him that I found the time that he was ill very difficult and that on top of being ill he was rude, shut down, brusk with me and would turn on the energy and charm when in the company of our friends.

I said I was hurt by his assertion that I would bill him with this torrent of (so called) anger after he was ill (I didn’t shout) and I said that I’d genuinely worked hard to help him get better e,g. Constantly brought him drinks, made trips to the supermarket to pick up foods and medicines to support his recovery, I even paid nearly £300 for a private Drs appointment for him.

Eventually I broke down in tears and said that I can’t do relationships, I feel so deeply lonely and I feel that I can’t be my whole self with him because so many of the parts of me and my needs are not acceptable to him. He apologised and said that he felt too vulnerable since opening up and this was a backlash.

I was awake all night that night crying and feeling wretched. I could barely remember what had happened. We’d already booked a baby sitter for the Friday night so I went through with the date night and decided that because I don’t want to leave (financial and DD reasons) I’m just going to keep our relationship at a very superficial level and stop expecting any real genuine intimacy with him. I felt guarded and didn’t want any physical touch.

A couple of days after and I would like to go over it but I am not going to do that anymore without our therapist present because I can’t afford to lose night’s sleep again.

He sou ds awful OP.

Finances sound weird too? And does be have time to do stuff for himself?!

I always find it interesting how many men seem to suffer from such terrible depression they just have to withdraw from any engagement with their families.... and yet its so much rarer with women?!

Oh Christ, he’s just a horrible person and a nasty person to be coupled with. You can’t spin it any other way OP.

This is no life for you.
He leans on you way too much, it is a very unbalanced relationship. Sometimes people use low mood as an excuse because it gets them off the hook, so to speak. They can avoid doing things they don't want to do.
Your already a single parent by the sound of it, he is just a dead weight.
It's his responsibility to fix himself, not yours.
I would leave, but if your not in a position yet to do so l would try to observe his moods, but not absorb. I found this helpful whilst parenting teenagers. Allow him his moods, but don't allow his moods to affect you. Like anything easier said than done at times.

Thank you, that’s good advice.
Ive been thinking of writing a daily diary, nothing too onerous just one or two lines because it gets to the point where you can’t see the wood for the trees.

You don't have to take on the burden of his emotional state or mood. I get that he's in the house with you but you can choose not to take it on, and choose to be happy yourself. You can choose to be the positive force you want to be for your DC. This sort of reframing really helped me.