Advice about an ex - should I text?

[Papillon12]

I’m a little bit heartbroken about the end of a relationship. I’ve had a lovely few months with a guy I met online although I did already know him a little bit. For context, I’m in my early 40s and he’s around 10 years older. He put a huge amount of effort in and seemed genuine. I was very guarded throughout the relationship, mainly because I find it very hard to trust and let my guard down. I don’t feel like I put much effort in at all, for example, he got me a few presents for Christmas but I didn’t get him anything. So A few days ago, he went a bit quiet then he told me he just felt that something was missing and he didn’t want to continue the relationship. I’m gutted as I really like him but just couldn’t express that at the time. I’m obviously blaming myself for being so closed and can’t help feeling that I’ve messed up something that could’ve been really good.
I want to message him and let him know how much I liked him but I scared of more rejection and worry that ‘something missing’ could be code for ‘met someone else’.

If you have had time to reflect and see there are things you feel you should have done differently to make him feel more valued, I don’t think it would hurt to reach out and explain that. Just be prepared that you might not get the answer you want.

Thank you. I think that’s good advice, I probably need to take a couple more days to reflect and feel less fragile and be able to cope with not getting the response I want.

Maybe apologise to him. And work on yourself before embarking on a new relationship... Come on op you didn't even get the poor bloke a token Christmas gift... He must be feeling more rubbish than you right now.

It sounds like he was upset with the lack of effort you made and being guarded. By all means reach out but you probably know what the reason is anyway.

I do think I need to work on myself. My last relationship was a long time ago but with a narcissist- I stayed with him too long and it’s damaged my trust and self esteem. I do have some therapy sessions booked.
I just wasn’t able to think that I was good enough for this man and felt ‘frozen’ by fear of him realising that and ending things - which is what happened! 😕
My recent ex is also quite damaged I think and that may have had more to do with him ending things than me being distant. I’m not sure.

OP I think you should text. Just explain what you said here in you original post.

Best case scenario he gives you another chance. Worst case, he's at least given an explanation for your apparent lack of interest/effort - sounds like that's the least he deserves anyway. (And I'm not having a go at you if that sounds abrupt - but I imagine he's really hurt and thinking you didn't care enough to get him a token £10 gift so an explanation would be nice - try and send it for his benefit and with no expectation of a reply, anything else is a bonus)

Would you be able to take it on the chin if he turns you down or isn't very nice? If so I would send a message and explain. Sounds a bit complicated but if you genuinely liked him and it's not just rejection talking then why not try? Don't make it into something it wasn't though if he says no. If you think there was more to it than just your behaviour then don't be overly fawning, just explain your point of view and see what he says.

I would message and explain, maybe you would regret it if you never tried, he might reject you but at least you will know for sure he didn't get the wrong idea because you didn't care, opening up more is what you need to do so why not start now.

I’m not sure. There could be more to it so so think being factual would be a good idea. Not sure if I could take the rejection again 😞

I think you’re right. I would regret it and I do need to learn to open up.