My parents (both retired in 60s and 70s, fit and healthy) are in a miserable marriage. I don't ever recall them being happy to be perfectly honest. The overriding memories from my childhood are of shouting and fighting. However I think it's getting worse and has probably been the case since they retired and spend more time together.
I know it's not my place to sort their marriage out, but I would appreciate some advice as it is horrible to witness.
As much as they are probably both at fault in their own way, my mum is particularly problematic. She has had a difficult life. She was the youngest of four siblings with a considerable age gap (she was an accident and my grandmother was in her late forties and thought she was starting menopause). Reading between the lines she wasn't wanted and my grandmother was a hard woman who never told my mum that she loved her, and was physically violent. She was close to her dad, who was more loving, but he died prematurely of lead poisoning. My mum has been married twice before my dad. One of her marriages ended up in her walking away and leaving two young sons (my half brothers) with their dad, as he was sleeping with multiple other women and was physically abusive towards my mum. Her other marriage failed quickly as (in my mum's words) her second husband was "too nice". My mum and dad have been married for 40 years.
So I believe my mum carries a lot of trauma from these events, and she has never had any sort of counselling or therapy. She's aggressive and very insensitive to others feelings, whilst also being incredibly fragile in her own feelings and she is incapable of apologising and admitting if she's in the wrong.
My dad is difficult in his own way, has a short temper, can get very fixated on things and talk endlessly about them, can be quite anal about money/tight. He isn't sentimental in the slightest (to the point of coming across uncaring, although he isn't really) and does have a tendency to suck the joy out of life at times, he can be judgemental of anything he doesn't view as the "correct" way of going about things (my mum is similar).
Of the two I would say my dad is the easier going and more rational. I try not to get involved in their disagreements or take sides, but I can see why he struggles with the way mum is.
They argue endlessly and often over absolutely nothing. They butt heads constantly. My dad can ask an entirely innocent question and my mum blows up at him like a volcano. It's genuinely horrible and they both seem miserable.
I have floated the idea of marriage counselling to my mum a couple of times and she's dismissed it (citing that my dad wouldn't do it). Honestly I feel like they would be better off divorcing than carrying on like this.
Further to the issues with their marriage. My mum's behaviour towards me has been difficult over the years. My relationship with my dad was very tricky growing up, but once I moved out it improved and we get along pretty well now. My mum is a different story and she has a nasty streak but if you challenge her she only escalates and won't back down.
I am now worried about my children as the way she behaves is not acceptable. For example yesterday my husband overheard her having a conversation with my daughter where my mum said she doesn't like my son. Husband thinks she was probably joking, but the trouble is there is a grain of truth there as mum favours my daughter. Also not an appropriate thing to say to a four-year-old about her sibling.
I am now in a situation where I feel I need to speak to my mum, but I don't know where to start as I can already see what will happen, and that it is unlikely to go well.
I am also troubled by the children overhearing their constant arguments and bickering.
I am currently having counselling myself and through that process I am starting to see that events in my childhood have had an impact on me and I am also carrying some of the generational trauma. I am doing what I can do deal with that. But due to my childhood involving constant fighting and no real conflict resolution, I am very conflict adverse so I am struggling with how to manage the situation regarding the children and my mum. But I know I can't do nothing.
I don't really know what to do. Or what advice I am expecting from posting here, but I was hoping someone may be able to advise or at least relate to what's going on.
Thank you if you got this far!