My partner of 10 years has left me.

[Roseypie]

My partner of 10 years has left me for the second time, telling me all the same exact things as last year that he doesn’t love me anymore and there’s no future. He’s left our family home and 4 year old daughter. I know it’s foolish of me to want him to come back but I love him. He’s barely spoken to me and just left. If he really doesn't love me, why is this the same pattern and words as last year when he did it? I’m so confused.

He's not in love with you. When you questioned it and he said he will always love you he means as a friend, as the mother of his child.
He tried to leave a year ago, then tried to try again, but it hasn't worked. You say yourself you talk to him badly because he annoys you so it seems like there's no spark from either of you.
You probably got on well with him last night because he's happier now that he's staying elsewhere.
Let him go, accept the relationship is done and concentrate on forming a positive co-parenting relationship instead.

Maybe he loves you but he's not in love with you. Maybe he wanted to try again last time because he does love and care about you and thought he could make it work.

Would he agree to marriage counselling? You don't need to be married to try it out.

It sounds like you weren’t really happy with the relationship either. It’s not fair that you were doing so much more than him. Maybe that’s a sign that he checked out long ago but it obviously hasn’t helped that you allowed his opting out of responsibility to continue. And his disrespect for you and your time and contributions to the family reduced your respect for him, which he has picked up on.

In principle it’s possible to recover a relationship that’s followed that path but it requires a lot of honest conversations about both of your disappointments and hurts over the years, and effort to find common ground and common goals. So definitely don’t let him come back unless he’s open to that sort of relationship repair work.

For you, the first step is to accept that the relationship you had before or hoped to have now is not available. Feel your disappointment in him, feel the unfairness of you doing everything at home, be angry that he’s treated you badly, and recognise that it is actually good for you to let that relationship go. If he comes back again wanting to work things out then it’s on your terms with serious effort and changes required, if at all. Breakups hurt so much but in the end they can often bring new opportunities and peace.

So he left you then came back for sex for one night then left again. Whats confusing about this ? He wanted sex, he knew he could take you for a mug and that you would sleep with him, he got what he wanted so has left again. And no doubt in a few days time when he wants sex this is what he will do. you rank no higher in his life than a porno video or whatever else he uses to get off on. Is that how you see yourself or want to be seen.

and do you know why he behaves like this? Because he can. Because you let him and you facilitate it. so if you dont want to be feeling like shit again in a few days time, block him and dont let him set foot back in the property.

If he doesn't have a girlfriend now, he did last year. He left you for her but then found out she didn't want him full time, so he came back. But then realised even without a bit on the side (or maybe a new one) he doesn't want to be with you after all. He'll sleep with you though for as long as you put up with it (assuming that's what it being "normal" last night means).

He's told/shown you how he feels, I'd believe him.

This man isn’t treating you with respect and thinks he can treat you as an option rather than a priority. I say this with kindness but you need to do some serious work on your self esteem, find some self respect and tell him he can’t pick you up and put you down. If it’s over it’s over and you won’t be hosting him, cooking for him etc and he can arrange contact to happen at his parent’s home.

You have to not care if there's another woman. The point is, he,s half-hearted about you, actually that overstates his feeling for you. Let him go and get used to it this time so you're not going through this pain every year.

Men won’t just leave and set up home themselves, they nearly always leave for another woman.

dont let him back he will keep hurting you.

Are you enjoying being a doormat?

That's what you are, and what you're demonstrating to your daughter as the way relationships work. This will harm her.

You let him in for sex last night, didn't you.

Stop sleeping with him. It won't magically bring him back.

All it will do is show him you're also a friend with benefits who'll put up with literally anything to keep this flakey user popping back when he feels like it.

I agree with others who think he's probably got another woman on the go.

This one's a dud.

And for god's sake don't get pregnant again. That will not bring him to heel.

He's on/off with you, because he's on/off with someone else too most likely. If you want him, you will have to share him with others and know he doesn't love you back.
You've done too much for him and made his life easy, so now you are convenient to him. He also knows you will have him back whenever, and in the meantime he can do what he likes. Do you know what he does when he's not with you?
I suspect he feeds you a lot of untruths given that finances are suddenly 'great' after a year most people have found hard. What job does he do?

Why must MNetters assume the problem is always the man? Why can’t it just be a “normal” breakdown of a relationship?

Being a doormat? Bring him to heel?
Please stop using such awful outdated language to describe real human beings.

I did everything for him cooked cleaned work full time take care of our daughter schools runs etc
He wants you to do all that with a smile on your face and never a cross word when all he contributes is going to work.
I wouldnt let him keep coming back. Fool me once etc

All of this, OP.

Please have some pride and let the utter waste of space go.

Im not assuming 'its the man' im assuming its the relationship. its not right for OP, may well not be right for 'the man' either. Sorry if it came across that way, not blaming anyone here. Yes, something has gone wrong, suggesting OP makes a change and takes care of herself. Same advice to him, if he listening!

Have some self respect. The natural consequence for abandoning his wife, 4 year old child, snd responsibilities is that the marriage ends. Show some self protective spine. Start divorce proceedings, line up childcare, snd start living like a single parent. He is a very selfish person who does not care at all about his child, let alone you.

He will pick you up and put you down for as long as you allow him too. I know, truly I do, how hard it is to let go when you love someone but this man does not love you, don't let him use you like this, your daughter is watching you, don't let this be the example you set.

Can't even make this up.

OP, I know the new year new me may sound cliche but it's time to work on your self esteem in this new year. You deserve better my love.

Wouldn’t necessarily say OW. My DH finds “life” hard to deal with, ie. work, money, kid, home. The sort of stuff I just (have to) get on with. It’s actually more stressful for me, as I have to take on all the things he can’t handle (I have to, as he doesn’t understand finances). He had meltdowns about it… And threatens to leave. Also, says that DS is dissing him. Honestly!

And, yes, divorce is a very real prospect for us. Sadly…

Sorry, but he doesn’t love you. Recherché la femme.