Life is shit - single

[Lifeoverr]

Been dating for 1.5 years as I broke off a long term relationship
I’m ready to meet someone
My ex despite begging after me for half a year, found someone and has moved on
Yet I’ve been on endless dates with one unsuitable man after the next
I was seeing a guy last year - he moved on at record speed as well
I’m so disheartened and I keep putting myself back out there but it’s just a constant stream of disappointment
Time isn’t on my side as my biological clock is ticking very loudly

If I decide to go it alone and have a baby on my own, I know I won’t be able to date for a few years after having the baby
And in all likelihood if I haven’t met someone by now, I won’t if I have a baby/toddler and my age means the dating pool is even smaller
And having a baby completely on your own is exhausting and will be financially harmful

Most people are in marriages by my age
I know many will divorce and many more will be unhappy
I’m not unrealistic

I joined a group of women similar to me - my age, gorgeous, career driven etc and they too have my experiences which helps but I’m still alone and sad

Sure I have friends and hobbies but that doesn’t replace my desire for a loving relationship and family

Sharing for some advice and reassurance that things will work out one way or another

I’m feeling so miserable and lonely

I would say (which may not be what you want to hear) but unless you are happy enough on your own, don't have a baby as it can be even more isolating and a baby may not give you the comfort or address the loneliness you feel. Good luck with your choices.

Agree with the PP. and you have to be happy in your own skin to attract the sort of person you want and deserve.

Good point I am considering it SuperBored

I’m very happy in my own skin thanks coloursquare

Things change in the blink of an eye. New Year's Day is always a bit flat.

I love your positivity coloursquare I’ve always been an optimist but eventually you have to face reality…

You always see advice like ‘learn to love yourself’ or ‘do some inner work’ on threads like this. But this really isn’t the problem. It’s lack of good men in this age group, as the good ones are already taken!

I’m in the same boat as you. There are no issues with my self esteem and I love my life, but the pool at this age (mid-30s up) is so shallow for anyone who wants a relationship / marriage / a baby.

I have no advice other than for us to keep trying and hope we have better luck in 2024.

You haven't said how old you are. At 35 I split from my ex and went through the process of deciding whether or not i wanted to have a baby on my own or freeze my eggs. To be honest I did this before leaving that relationship as it was all part of the acceptance/grieving period. I decided against wanting a child on my own and put a time limit on freezing eggs ie if I hadn't met someone within a year I would start that process. Is freezing eggs an option for you to buy yourself more time to think about it or meet someone? Luckily I met my DH quickly through OLD although it took us a long time to move in together and have a child as we'd both been through a lot previously and needed to heal. I conceived quickly naturally at 38 so it can all work out in the end.

Absolutely crushed23 x

Great advice sadly I’m too old for egg freezing to be considered worth it ringmybe11

and even if I met a man now, men tend to move much slower than women, and I just don’t have that time

to be honest, the more I think about it, the more I need to just crack on with it on my own. I just know it will mean being on my
own probably indefinitely. I haven’t found someone as a single woman, it’s even harder with a child.

Have the baby before it’s too late
The right man will still want you

Agree with this.

Its perfectly normal and ok to feel unhappy about not having a partner and to want one. Humans are evolved to live in family groups and pair-bond. We just are. Its a very instinctive drive that most people have, and many feel unhappy if they don't have this.

Its really tiresome to hear posters constantly berate women as if their unhappiness is due to a character flaw that they need to fix, rather than just a normal, and natural evolved response to their circumstance.

Namchanged thing is, I have been trying so hard with online dating for years
I have had the time and energy and haven’t met anyone
I won’t date after I have a baby - I’ll be on my own and will be working full time in a busy job
less time and I know men are generally less keen on women with small children
so it’s unreasonable to think I’ll be in with a good chance of meeting someone post baby

im just miserable at how my life has turned out as I have everything else going for me

If you are desperate for a baby and can make it work then go for it.

It's a sad and unfair fact of life that women do face the ticking biological clock. I am older and have a couple of friends who now regret not taking the chance of having a child on their own.

Even if you were to meet a man now and have a child with him there are no guarantees that relationship would work out anyway.
Also later down the line you might meet a man with a child/children whose relationship failed for whatever reason and go on to create a happy blended family.
Lots of scenarios could present themselves.
As long as you can financially support a child on your own then it's worth serious consideration to go it alone if you know that not having a child will be a lifelong regret.

I was like you OP.

I had a busy career job and the men I met weren't interested in that. I'd date but they'd lose interest if I had to go on a 2 week business trip abroad. They wanted someone to play 'supporting partner' and I wanted an equal partner.

I moved to an uk job at 42, met a nice sane man, then conceived & had lovely ds at 45. Yes, very last minute.

I took my maternity leave, and then he morphed into weird man. Resented me going back to work despite that always being the plan, resented paying half nursery fees. Expected me to fill a housewife-shaped hole in his life, became very controlling. I left when ds was nearly 3.

I've dated one man in the 13 years since but he eventually asked me to 'get rid' of ds at weekends - his phrase - so I ended that too. He then tried to change his mind, but knowing he wanted rid of my 9yo meant the trust had gone.

I haven't bothered with dating since. DS is 16 soon, and I will try again but I've been happy in the last 13 years. Yes, I've missed intimacy & support but DS is more important, I made the best choice

Depending on how old you are, I think you have to set a deadline and choose.

@Lifeoverr I have a friend who has a baby on her own in her mid 30s. She is a career driven woman and could not find a decent man. Her baby is now 8 and she’s met a wonderful man and is extremely happy. I say go for it! Do what makes you happy Lovely xxx

There is some good wisdom in people making sure that women work on themselves before getting into a relationship or becoming a parent, but some of them live in la-la land.

It expresses an unrealistic expectation that people need to be perfect or totally content with their lives in order to embark on a new endeavour, but most people will never get to that stage. If that were the pre-requisite for getting into a relationship, the human race would quickly die out. I feel this way of thinking is very much a product of our modern Western life styles, where everything is curated and everything must be just-so and you must be your best self all the time.

@Wherearemybooks I agree, and I also find it tiresome. It's perfectly normal and natural to want to couple-up and have children. It's a biological instinct that's responsible for the human race ffs. It's not always some kind of sign that a person is generally unhappy with their lives. Also, women seem to never enough as they are - they must subject themselves to being never-ending navel-gazing and consider themselves a project that much be completed to perfection before they dare utter that they're actually unhappy with being single, and I just don't think that men on the whole hold themselves to those standards.

OP - I think it's time that you consider 2 things. Either prepare yourself to not have children (which I now have following a tough year of grieving), or make preparations to go it alone with the acceptance that it might take you a long time before you find a suitable man.

If you do go it alone, please know that human beings are not blank slates - you biologically inherit some personality characteristics from your parents or extended family. It could be a mixed bag, but if they end up inheriting a lot of them from the father, this is a real risk when you hardly know anything of depth about his personality. You may get to know basic stats and information about his education or job. Everything might look good on paper, but no more. If doner is a real abusive shit, your kid could turn out just like him, and that's quite a problem if you end up having a boy, and you are struggling alone to raise him as a single mum without a Dad in the picture. Not everything can be moulded or controlled by a good upbringing. Women often learning this painful lesson the hard way, like my friend has.

I agree lack of good men is the problem. I'm 53 and single, acceptEd it a long time ago tbh. When I was younger and prettier I had young kids and no job so I took myself out of the market I guess. Now I'm free, no man my own age would consider me long-term. Haven't the energy for a succession of flings that go nowhere. I love myself and that's incompatible with the sort of men who are online. I am fine but it's not something that happens for everybody. I hate that narrative that you need to love yourself more! To be Frank the less crap you take, the narrower the pool!

I had a baby on my own, but partly I did that because I realised I didn't actually give a crap about finding a partner, so putting things off until l found one seemed rather pointless. I can see how that's a much harder choice to balance when you actually really do want a partner.

I am currently being very vigorously cuddled by my now-3yo, who is fabulous. No regrets at all, and although I suppose it's hard in some ways, it's all been manageable and I actually value the autonomy I have. It's certainly a very different situation to being a single parent following a relationship breakdown, in that I always knew what I was getting into and there's no tension with an ex to navigate.

Wishing you all the best for 2024, OP. I hope things go really well for you, whatever path you choose.

Hi OP, I wish I had some advice but just wanted to say that I am in a similar position and it is really hard so I sympathise. I have been single a long time, it's so hard to meet anyone. I have tried online dating and been very unsuccessful and it's soul destroying. I'm now too old for children so have missed my chance and it's really hard to think I will probably be on my own forever. Sending you a virtual hug!

Same here, mid 30s. I dip in in good faith and run away in horror. I've been ok on my own for the last couple of years, and I don't want children so the clock isn't ticking in the same way, but recently I'm starting to feel like something is missing from my life. And I have so much love to give the right person. Good luck to us!

It's unfair and it isn't wise to intentionally have a child on your own.

(Aside from my strong opinions and beliefs that no one should have children)

It's unfair intentionally giving an innocent human being life long trauma from the lack of two parents, and a lifetime of longing for another parent.

If you are a woman and have a son, you cannot raise nor guide a boy child into
manhood.

You also cannot effectively raise a daughter into womanhood, without a proper example and biological father.

Plus, like you said..it will be very difficult and tiresome raising a child (children) by yourself...more time consuming and expensive...also there's the finding balance between work and child(ren).

You may also have a (or wind up with) a physically disabled child, or sickly who may need supervision, care, special "life sustaining" equipment 24/7..frequent hospital visits,, etc.....which will be additional costs..

Even if you considered adoption as an option, there would be these things, and other problems stemming from adoption.

Perhaps,
The best thing is to work on yourself more, and immerse and engage in more social interactions..perhaps you will find someone who wants the same things as you.

Or remain single and childfree...because you may enormously regret things if you were to have the man and/or children.

There's no guarantee that even if you find someone that they'll remain, or still want children.

Don't pick anyone just to have a child.

Thank you all your comments, I really appreciate your time and wisdom

We can respectfully disagree Burntouted but thank you for your time

If you are a woman and have a son, you cannot raise nor guide a boy child into
manhood.

You also cannot effectively raise a daughter into womanhood, without a proper example and biological father

Absolute offensive judgemental crap. Many single parents out there do an amazing job of bringing their kids up to be well adjusted, happy, secure adults

Its not easy but then parenthood isn’t easy full stop.