No one ever visits me

[novalia89]

This may sound incredibly selfish or equally I may sound like a massive pushover.

I am single and live by myself. No children. My two sisters have children and my two friends from another city about an hour away have children too. One of them currently has a young baby and the other has had a child with health problems. My sister has 3 children and the other one.

I moved cities for a job 8 years ago and therefore I am usually the one who visits my old city to see friends and family (they all still live in my childhood town, so it’s a case of seeing everyone at once). This is handy, but it means that I usually have a very busy weekend. I usually travel because I am single and they usually stress out visiting anywhere different.

However, my friends are very flaky. They will organise the pub, a meal, the cinema etc and several times I have actually driven back and found that it has been cancelled. Or they cancel beforehand. Or my friend asks when I’m next home because we should do something. This is why I may sound selfish, because when I am ‘home’ she normally does want to meet up and tries to squeeze something in (except when they flake). A lot of time it’s ‘come round to mine’. Or ‘I’m off work for a week, we need to do something’. I haven’t got a reason for saying no this weekend, but I can’t be bothered losing another weekend away from my house when I was in my parents all over Christmas.

But lately I’ve started to feel a lot of resentment, and I’ve voiced this to my sister. I said that I am ‘home’, I’ve lived in this other city for years now. I’m upset that no one ever comes to visit me. My parents complain that they haven’t seen me for weeks, or my friend’s partner said that he hasn’t seen me for a few months and was I ok? It’s because I’m just not putting in the effort to visit now.

In the summer we were supposed to go to the cinema and I travelled back and it got cancelled. Even beforehand my sister asked if we were going to meet in the middle (partly because she makes the effort and does this) and I said no. The only times my friends come to visit ME are once at Christmas and once for my birthday (although they didn’t this year) and this is usually such a massive ordeal with them asking for direction, train ticket info etc. that it’s more effort than it’s worth).

My friend asked me if I’m free this weekend for a meal and drinks. A. I don’t want to commit a weekend if it’s likely to cancel and B. I’m sick of the one travelling.

I know that it’s difficult for them to get babysitters and easier for me and that I’ve set a precedent all these years, but have you got any advice. I’ve already said ‘yeah I’m free, come to mine’. I also don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face and lose contact with friends that I’ve been friends with for 20 years. But it does upset me that I have only one other friend who actively comes to visit my house. (This is a secondary issue of being sad that no one comes to visit).

I have been looking at buying a house and my parents, friends and one sister keep trying to get me to buy it in my childhood town again (30 miles away), which sounds nice, but it’s only because it’s easier for THEM. If they really wanted to see me that much they would make the effort to come and visit, and they don’t.

Sorry for the rant/predicament. I feel a bit entitled but equally I’m sad that no one makes the effort for me and expects me to run around (because I have no kids and I moved away) but I don’t want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Advice is appreciated :)

I think they probably see that it is easier for you to travel rather than them.
We are in a similar position with husbands family as they live other side of our city. They never visit us. Always us visiting them.
We just get on with it to be honest but would be nice if they visited occasionally.
I get why it bothers you but can't see it changing as they just see it as easier for you to go to them.

Will probably change as the children get older. One day you might met someone and have a family and expect everyone to come see you. If you don't want to go then don't. I don't see a problem with it life changes.

Sorry but you moved away, you have to make the effort!

How far is the journey?

You can do a combo of making specific plans with them that you go back for, and then arranging things around that.

It's realistic you'll go to them more often if they have kids. Have you invited them to yours?

You can't be popping back all the time though - you need to build your life where you are.

Have you made any friends in your new town? It’s been 8 years.

She says 30 miles

YABU to expect to move away and then expect friends with young kids to travel to you or "just get a babysitter"- that's very easy for you to say but its really not that easy if you have no family help (as I didnt)- you are in the wrong here

YANBU to be fed up of flakiness and cancellations- they are in the wrong here

Have you invited your family or friends to stay? If they come over would you arrange an outing or cook them dinner? Maybe with a specific event or thing to do it makes it feel special. I live away from family and so we see each other less often but when we do we stay in each other's houses or at hotels nearby and plan a weekend of quality time. Maybe have fewer trips? Tell them how you feel, that you don't want to make plans let alone come to find they are cancelled. Buy the house, live the life you want and build your social circle in your new place and see your family when it suits. If they miss you they need to make some of the effort and I really hope they do this for you.

I think after 8 years it's reasonable to want them to visit you more evenly. If you were my friend or family member I would want to see where you live at least and make memories there with you.

It's difficult. My sister moved away and always got upset when no one visited. I had two small children at the time and babysitters were not easy to get.
I think it is hard when you are the one that chose to move away and then expect people to visit, especially with kids. However, I do think it is bad that they cancel on you when you do make arrangements. That is not fair when you have made an effort.
Maybe just visit less often and see what happens. Make friends on your new town and if people really do want to see you they will make the effort. Friendships do tend to wane with distance and life changes.

It's way easier to entertain children in their own home. Entertaining children in a single childless household is a real challenge. It isnt conducive to adult conversation.

I'm not surprised given you are the only one in the other city that your family want you to move back to them. If you family are important to you it's worth giving consideration.

But Flaky friends I'm with you with. I'd feel reluctant to make arrangements too

I'm sorry OP. I can can understand why you feel unimportant to them. I can understand it from a parent's point of view if they have small children who need a babysitter, but surely your parents have no excuse. 30 miles isn't that much, every few months. Flakey people annoy me as well. Did no one at all try to contact you to say those events were cancelled? That's really not on.

When it comes to your friends, part of the problem is that when you visit home, you have a lot of people to visit and things to do to justify the travel - they don't. When they travel that distance, they only see you. Some people can't be bothered to see friends in their own town or city, nevermind outside of it.

Even in today's world, some people are very small minded. Even city dwellers can be like this when it comes to moving to outside their city, or even to a different part of it. Any move to another location is seen as someone's 'choice', rather than a normal part of working in today's job market. I'm not necessarily agreeing with their mindset, but if you moved away, they may see it as your lifestyle choice and therefore think you have the obligation to make the effort.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone has moved away from where you live, and you've been expected to travel the same distance or greater to visit them? If not, I would hold back from feeling too resentful as it's too easy to say 'No but I definitely would' without that being tested.

And yes @MiddleagedBeachbum . People do move 🙄It's not the 16th century any more.

If you moved 8 years ago why haven't you made friends in you new home area. Seems very strange that you still travel back to your old town to have a social life.

It looks as if they do want to see you and do ask to come to yours. The problem is them flaking out and leaving you in limbo at short notice. I’d have words with them about this and explain that’s why you are reluctant to meet up if they haven’t seen you lately.

Have you ever moved anywhere that is + 1 hour drive away from where you grew up? Maybe you have, and you're just on of those extroverts who find meeting people very easy, or you've just been lucky. Or, maybe you haven't and your lack of experience & imagination is hampering your ability to empathise with people who are in this type of situation.

From my observations, it's very difficult to make friends when you're older. That's part of the reason why so many people are lonely. Making friendly acquaintances might be easy, but not meeting the type of person who you can spend extended time with having a coffee or similar. Most people still rely on networks they formed at school or university, hence why people like the OP travel back to see people. It's a very common occurrence.

Also, just because you're open to making new friends, doesn't mean other people are. By the time people are in their 30s, a lot of people may have all their time filled with family /child commitments or existing friends. Unless you are an exceptional person, they just won't want to make the time for anyone new, and most of us are not exceptional. We're just average people who aren't that special.

People are also get a lot more commitment & intimacy averse as they get older, more set in their ways. So again, if if you are open to develop friendships, it doesn't mean other people are, even if you do all the right things like joining clubs are going to social events.

I think there is a real social and emotional value to staying in the town where your family and old friends reside. Bumping into each other in the street, popping out for dinner - all these things become a part of your life. It’s seen as dull - but in terms of your mental health it can be an enormous asset.

Your decisions have moved you away and this separation comes with that. It’s something to consider when you are thinking about buying.

Thank you. Yes, it is very hard to make friends as you get older. I have many surface level friends in my new city, but only a few close friends like my old friends. I have 10 friends that I see regularly for gigs, meals etc. but only a few that I have that real emotional connection with. I have loads of hobby friends, but that’s not really the same.

I have more friends than my home friends and one sister have. That’s one of the reason, arrogant as if may sound, but they want to see ME. Because THEIR friend and sister moved away. I moved away for work and it’s not that far really. Takes 45 mins to drive on a good day.

But yes, when I visit for the weekend it is tiring, because I have to make it worthwhile and visit my parents, my older sister, younger sister and both friends. It feels like you have to to make use of the journey and because you feel a little guilty for not doing so. It can be lonely being single and not keeping that deep friendship, so I do make the effort to keep that with them.

The flakiness is frustrating. I was supposed to go for a drink on Saturday before Christmas and I sent messages to our friendship group asking for details and I got no reply. I drove back anyway and only got an apology message afterwards. My sister was very annoyed and invited me for tea instead. She was very annoyed at the cinema situation too and every other time they flake.

She usually meets me halfway when we go for a walk, but me friends never do. Partly again because of the ordeal that they seem to go through and because they say that they hate motorway driving.

With other friends, a uni friend that I have takes it in turns to visit and she lives an hour drive away. Another old work colleague lives and hour away and we take it in turns too. An old flatmate now lives about an hour away too and I haven’t seen her for a while, but I volunteered to drive to her house too. So I think that I am reasonable in making an effort.

I was at my parents from 23rd-29th of December, but they didn’t make an effort (after flaking on the drinks) and asked to do something the week after or the 6th of January instead.

This is definitely true. Getting a Christmas card from my childhood neighbour, saying hello to all the neighbours in my parents street. Recognising and saying hello to people at the train station or old people school at the summer garden party. It’s something that comes with living in a place for a while. I barely know my neighbours in the city even though I’ve lived in my current house for 6 years.

But my life is set up here now and my commute would end up being an hour or even longer in the traffic.

I did look at houses that are closer to them, but then I just thought that I am moving back for THEIR convenience, not really mine. If they do want to see me more, then they can make the effort (again, hypothetical rant as I don’t want to actual lose them as friends or not see my family).