I am devastated as I have just hit my husband and I think it means the end of my marriage. But I am looking for support in understanding how it happened.
the context is that we have a fairly volatile relationship anyway and argue quite often. We don’t have sex because H doesn’t want to, this has been an ongoing problem for us which is explained as H not being attracted to me - not necessarily physically but emotionally which is hard for me to deal with. He finds some behaviours of mine repulsive, I actually can’t think of an example now which isn’t helpful but he has described it as me being a spoiled brat.
yesterday I laughed at something and he called me Regina George (he had a text from the host of his New Years party saying bring drinks and nibbles and we’ll sort the rest, I said what else is there to sort and laughed but I didn’t say it in a mean spirited way) I think he got hyper defensive on the hosts part and made me look the bad guy. This has happened with other things he seems to think I’m really mean, which really nobody would describe me as…, and then he goes to the defense of the ‘target’ of my meanness.
anyway I found that hurtful but brushed it off. Then today the dog was doing something funny and I laughed, he said why are you laughing like maleficent, I found that hurtful and just walked away. He then goaded me going what what and when I didn’t address it he said something like ‘oh for gods sake’ making me the unreasonable one.
i went to our room then came out a bit later and said, it hurt me when you said that. And he started on a big tirade of why he said it and why it was ridiculous of me to walk away. Then he said that I had been aggressive and said ‘what’ aggressively after he said what he said. Which I didn’t. And I just lost it as I feel he gaslights me like this quite often.
i hit him and said he was a son of a …
i feel terrible as nothing excuses physical abuse. But now I’m sitting here thinking that I have just snapped basically after his gaslighting.
anyway just posting to see if others can see what I can or if this is all on me. Thanks