Both said we don't feel loved by the other anymore

[35and3]

It's over isn't it?

NYD and admitted we both don't feel loved by the other one. I don't see how this can go back but he said he doesn't want to be single.

Background: rarely rarely have any physical intimacy. Maybe a handful of times a year but I've always been that way inclined since before we met and he was seemingly fine with it and married me knowing sex was not a big deal for me.

Three kids including one from my previous relationship.

I go to bed at 8, he goes to bed at midnight. Again, always been this way.

Never go on date nights. Youngest is 1 and my parents have him 2/4 of my working days a week. Not fair to then ask them to babysit more and we have no one else.

But here we are 12 years later, 6 married years later and said we don't feel loved by the other.

Yes you'll all be screaming at me to spend time together but we just don't. Neither of us want to entertain the cost of counselling.

I love him as a brother, a housemate, a good friend. Not told him this but I imagine he feels the same for me.

The only answer is to split now isn't it?

If you don't want to pay for counselling then you're really saying we don't value our marriage enough to try to work out the cause of this and if it is fixable. So if that is the case then yes it's over. However I would say you have a 1 year old. With all that entails. And as you pointed out you spend no time together. The grass isn't always greener - Especially if you sleepwalk into it.
Good luck and all the best.

Actually, I would say the decision is his to make. You don't want sex and you go to bed at 8 pm, so there's no time for any conversation. I can see why he would want to end to the relationship really.

Interesting that you word this as both not feeling loved by the other i.e. focused on what you're getting out of it, rather than whether you feel love for each other i.e. focused on what you're putting into it. Love can't thrive when two people are both wanting the other to make them feel good rather than trying to make each other feel good. And honestly, if you're going to bed a 8pm and never being intimate, you're resigned to it withering and dying.

Although with a 1yo, this can't have been the case for long - are you sure it won't get better if you chalk it up to having a newborn around and make a concerted effort to prioritise the relationship from hereonin? If you're bothered to be together that is. Saying 'he knew I was like this so he should suck it up' doesn't bode well.

Depends what the relationship is about and what you want.

If you want a safe, secure stable family life where everyone gets on well then it’s fine.

If you want romance and excitement, and lots of sex, then it isn’t.

You said you didn’t want the latter so I’m not sure what the issue is.

This could potentially be fixed really easily by each describing what makes you feel loved. If it’s being brought a coffee in bed every morning and having him carry the heavy shopping, or him saying you look beautiful. You cooking his favourite foods and hugging him when he comes home, telling him he smells great. However things work in your house.

There’s a book called love languages that explores this.

Counselling and paying for babysitters is far cheaper than divorcing and maintaining 2 homes.

It sounds like neither of you want to try but relationship was clearly ok fairly recently if you have a 1 year old? Is counselling really not worth a try?

Well you don't love him as a wife should love a husband. Not sure what people are going to tell you that will change that fundamental fact that you yourself have admitted.