Can't bear living with DH any longer but can't separate yet - how do I get through this?

[Crystalberry]

Don't know what to do.

Planning to separate from my DH. We've been together for over 20 years. There is a long history of emotional abuse, and he's had ongoing depression and anxiety throughout. He is currently at home all the time as he's been signed off work with stress.

We've talked about separation/divorce and I have made it clear that I'll be going ahead with it. He doesn't want to, due to not wanting to upset/disrupt the dc, plus the fact that finances will be difficult for us both.

However, he has agreed to move out in the summer, after one of our dc finishes their exams. But I am now struggling so much with living with him - I actually don't know how I am going to handle the next few months.

He has such a strong presence in the house, and is here all the time, just lying on the sofa or making a mess. He does no housework, just his hobbies. He is nice to the dc, but not to me. Yesterday I was in tears in my room - I try to be strong most of the time, but I just couldn't take his selfishness, coldness, ignoring me, or subtly trying to get "one up" on me any more. He also tries to create division between me and the dc and then denies it.

My dd13 came into my room, and was worried to see me crying, and kept asking me to tell her the truth of why I was sad. This has happened a few times over the past few months. I just tried to brush it off and said that I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed after the busyness of Christmas and New Year etc, but I'm not sure she believed me. I'm worried about the effect this is having on her as I know she knows there is something wrong - is it better for her to know the truth?

I feel so trapped - I don't think it's a good idea to tell the dc now that we are planning to separate, when dh is not going to move out until the summer and my other dc has their exams coming up. But equally I don't know how I can get through the next few months without my feelings occasionally spilling over. I've even thought maybe I should go on anti depressants to numb my emotions a bit for the next few months.

Any advice would be welcomed!

Firstly, some empathy- once you decide it is over it is so difficult to just carry on especially as he is playing games.

Perhaps two options in essence - one that he moves out sooner and two that you find some distractions over the next few months that could also help pave the way to your new life rather than resort to anti-despressants. If he is always in the house, can you go out more? Gym, cinema, round to friends for coffee?

I don’t really have any advice but in a similar situation, except so far I have only suggested to DH we should consider separating and he's in complete denial and trying to make me feel guilty for even suggesting it. He wants to try couples counselling instead. Out situation is also very complex due to finances and his health issues.

Well done for telling him, and at least you have some sort of timeline and clarity about the future. Have you filed for divorce yet?

I am also not sure when would be the best time to tell the kids so following with interest.

He needs to move out sooner. Why is he waiting til the summer?

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers Thank you.

DH says that he won't move out before the summer as one of our dc has exams coming up in the summer term.

Re going out more, that's a good idea. I work, go to the gym, meet up with friends etc, but maybe I need to be out even more. Thinking about it, the last week or so I have spent a lot of time with DH due to Christmas, family gatherings etc, so I'm sure that has intensified things.

Sadly OP I suspect that when summer comes he wont move out, he’ll just come up with another reason why he can’t. He’s saying he will now to put you off.

personally as the child of parents who separated wgen I was a teenager, I’d tell your DD. My parents told me & of course it sucked but at least we could all stop pretending things were fine. She’s clearly not stupid & suspects anyway. Tell her - you can’t function as a household with that massive elephant in the room

@Stuckandunhappy Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. To be honest, it's taken me years to get to this point.

DH and I had couples counselling on two separate occasions. It changed things a bit temporarily, but not long term. I spent the last year constantly thinking should I stay or leave - one day I'd be sure I had to leave, the next day I'd feel so guilty about breaking up the family, or totally daunted at the prospect, and thought I would stay.

But gradually I have come to this point where I have no doubts and know we have to split.

When I first told DH he was completely in denial. He still tries to make me feel guilty by telling me every couple of days that I'm being really selfish, we're going to both struggle financially, the dc are going to be heartbroken and will have emotional problems if we split.

But somehow I am now unaffected by what he says about it, as I just know in my heart it has to happen, however difficult it's going to be.

No, I haven't filed for divorce yet, I'm planning to see a solicitor over the next couple of weeks and will start the ball rolling.

@RowanMayfair I'd love him to move out sooner, but he doesn't want to due to my dc's exams in the summer term, and he thinks it will affect our dc's focus if he moves out before then.

@Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky that's what I've been worried about, that he will just keep putting it off and won't move out. I was thinking that if I file for divorce soon (ie the next couple of weeks), hopefully that would come through by the summer, so if he still refused to move out, I would put the family home on the market and we would both have to find separate places. I can buy him out of his share, so ideally he will take that and move out, but if not at least I have a plan b.

Thank you for your perspective on telling the dc. As you say, I do feel there is a massive elephant in the room. I just can't imagine how the household will function if the dc know we are planning to split, but it's not going to happen for 6 months. I would have thought that would make them feel unsettled, but maybe its better than everyone pretending that everything's ok when it's clearly not.

What will affect your DC's focus is living in this toxic stew. I think you should push back on this. Tell him you need to tell the kids and he needs to plan to move out.

Absolutely. And as pp said, come summer, there’ll be another excuse. Get the paperwork done, selling if that’s what it comes to is best in spring (so I’m told). If you can afford to buy him out, put a plan in place ASAP. Pointless waiting till summer, your dc are obviously aware that things aren’t right, that will be what ruins their focus, not their dad moving out. He’s making excuses. Get the ball rolling.

Don't wait for summer for him to move out. Do it asap and then your kids can adjust in that time frame. Kids are very resilient.
He sounds like a right drain to be around moping around the house all day. Show him where the door is.

Having been through the situation of living with my STBEXH in a similar way, I don’t envy you, it’s shit. There is light at the end of the tunnel though, so focus on that.

However, chances are he won’t move out in the summer and this time next year, you’ll be in exactly the same boat. I would force his hand. Start divorce proceedings now and get your ducks in a row.

Your children aren’t stupid, they will know something is wrong. I’d say it was better for them to find out now and get their heads around it well ahead of their exams. They will pick up on the angst and walking on eggshells for the next few months will probably be worse than knowing you’re splitting. They might actually feel relieved - my teen children were and said they wished I’d done it sooner.

I think you’ve posted about this before, and the advice then was universally to split before the summer.

tell the DC.
file for divorce.

It won't do your DC any good at all living with parents that don't want to be together anymore. I agree it would be better if your DC doing exams in the summer didn't have to shunt between 2 houses so had a stable base. Would H go now and find accommodation where other DC can stay over with him but DC in exam year stay with you and just visit his Dad? I'd get the ball rolling anyway. The whole process can take the best part of a year before divorce. Go to see the solicitor and gather bank statements and pension statements together including your h's.

He's full of shit. If anything will disrupt your child's focus, it's him moping arund the house and creating a toxic atmosphere during exams.

Are you still doing things for him? Shopping, cooking, laundry? You need to stop immediately. Make life as uncomfortable for him as you possibly can.

He's using the DC's exams as an excuse. They will be very aware (and clearly are!) of the increasingly unhappy home environment. You will be better off splitting now and they have a few months to adjust rather than risk this turning even more toxic just prior to their exams.

Everyone saying he needs to go now, show him the door etc, seem to think he is the one who has to move out. Have I missed something? What is stopping him from refusing to leave? It's as much him house I am assuming.

OP I agree with this. My dad left when I was ten ostensibly for work abroad. A year later we spent the summer with dad at his work location. We kids knew then their marriage was over without any family discussion as there was passive aggression from both sides and no talk of dad returning with us after the holiday. It would have been better for us to know that facts rather than being left in limbo. It’ll be difficult for your children to hear that you’re splitting up but ultimately it’s for the best

Good luck

I presume the reason why he should leave, not the OP, is because the children will remain living in the house (at least in the meantime) and it's the OP who does all the work in making sure they are looked after and have a decent, clean home.

F