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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The comment that broke me

25 replies

trytobeamum · 31/12/2023 21:16

Things have not been great for a while , argument with DP tonight where at the end he told me to "try to be a mum" 6 years I have been a single parent in this relationship, doing all the appts, school stuff,household,days and nights spend in a&e when kids are I'll / had accidents as he doesn't do "medical stuff' while he was laying in bed all day because he used to work till 1 am and therefore couldn't get up till at least 3or 4 pm,or on his phone or gaming or fucking about in the weekends on the piss,not coming home , god knows what he got up to while I was home doing everything with the kids,and now Mr got himself a new job that starts early morning till 1 in afternoon and he's done nothing but criticizing me since, constantly on his high horse,i am better then thou sort of feeling,been horrible with kids, specially oldest,shouting and yelling at them,telling me that he wants the oldest taken away then tells me i have to be more positive as i moan all the time 😳 and the comment "try to be a mum" after all the shit ive put up with from him these past 6 years, i really think i cant carry on, 3 kids ,i do work parttime 5 days a week but may have to give this up for a while due to childcare, youngest will be going nursery in August so that would enable me to go back to work then , really thinking i will be better of without, he has completely broken me with that comment and destroyed my confidence being a mum as doing a shit job in his eyes, it feels like i am going insane and constantly second guess myself ,help. Normally a heady steady person with no mh issues.

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 31/12/2023 21:40

What positive he brings into your relationship?

Looks like you’re already a single parent(as you said).Stop carrying HIS load and his shitty comments.
Shouting at the kids is going to make them nervous and anxious.

Ditch the bugger and see how much more peaceful environment is without his crap. The kids will flourish and your MH will vastly improve.

Wishing you best of luck 💐

Mama2six · 31/12/2023 21:41

You sound like a great mum who does what needs to be done, get rid of the waster and spend 2024 with you and your kiddies you, and they deserve better

OneLollipop · 31/12/2023 21:43

been horrible with kids, specially oldest,shouting and yelling at them,telling me that he wants the oldest taken away

This is abuse. He is abusive.

he has completely broken me with that comment and destroyed my confidence being a mum as doing a shit job in his eyes, it feels like i am going insane and constantly second guess myself

He doesn't think you're doing a shit job, he just wants to hurt you. Because he is abusive.

Do you have anyone in real life that you talk to about how your relationship really is? You don't deserve this, and neither do your children.

Josette77 · 31/12/2023 21:43

Girl, he is awful. You will thrive on your own. You will be amazed at how much easier it is to be alone, than carrying the weight of abuse.

You can do this. I promise. 💐

AnotherDayAnotherDoller · 31/12/2023 21:45

OP you sound like a fantastic mum. You are doing it alone with the burden of another adult in the house to consider.
Make 2024 about you and your kids.
I'm sorry you other half hasn't supported you! Do not doubt yourself!

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 21:47

Doesn't sound like he's a dad. Sounds like he's a lodger with a servant.

Why has it bothered you that you are a shit mum?

You've four children and one of them is abusing you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/12/2023 21:48

At least when you dump him and are a single parent you won’t have to watch him playing on his phone or listen to him criticising you, he won’t be under your feet adding to your load, and you’ll get maintenance.

Just bin him.

Jamjaris · 31/12/2023 21:51

Your partner is vile, lazy and awful to you and children.
you sound a great mum.
Get rid of that wrinkly scrotum on legs and have a happy life with your children

DowntonCrabby · 31/12/2023 21:51

You can give yourself the gift of an amazing, calm, MH issue free 2024 OP, you deserve so much better.

Devilsmommy · 31/12/2023 22:20

Don't normally say this but leave the bastard. He's a cheeky fucker who obviously is a useless dad and person, and taking it out on you. Sounds like you would manage just fine without him to me. Don't put up with it, tell him to do one

LittleGreenDragons · 31/12/2023 22:27

It's time OP. He is deliberately trying to break you because he knows he will be worse off if you leave. He is abusing you.

Who owns the house, and do you have any savings? Start planning for your new and happy future.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/12/2023 22:42

I guess he is looking to hurt and saying whatever he feels with hurt most. Which makes it likely to be stuff he does not even believe. The fact he would do this is a deal breaker I think - I just dont think you can come back from treating someone this way.

Vinrouge4 · 31/12/2023 22:43

Tbh you sound like a single mum anyway. He’s not exactly contributing much. You deserve more than him.

NiftyBiiknhui · 31/12/2023 22:48

OP he’s a waste of space and a piece of shit.

You will be much happier and better off on your own, trust me.

You’re a fantastic mum, and what he’s doing now is tearing down your confidence and making both you and your children’s lives miserable.

Don’t let him get into your head, find the strength to kick him out. I hope you’re okay don’t believe a word he says about you as a mum.

AuntMarch · 31/12/2023 22:50

Nothing he says or does is any reflection on you, he's just a massive cunt.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 31/12/2023 22:50

You’re already a single Mum. Your life will immensely improve without this lazy abuser in your life.

Kick the POS out and start the New Year cleansed, happier and free!

Original poster

trytobeamum · 31/12/2023 22:50

Hi thank you all, we don't own the house we live in but both our names are on the rent, it's a council house.

OP posts:

Fizzadora · 31/12/2023 22:53

New Year tomorrow @trytobeamum .
You know what you have to do and you'll get loads of support on here.
It won't be quick and it won't be easy but you won't be feeling like you do now by next NYE.
Stiffen your resolve and make a start.

Mariposistaa · 31/12/2023 22:56

Do not give up your job
give up this stupid manchild

FlyingMonkeyNever · 31/12/2023 22:57

Ask him to leave anyway.

Contact the Council’s Housing department on Tuesday 2nd January and tell them you’re experiencing DV.

Also, contact Women’s Aid, as they will be able to advise you what your options are in order to get rid of him.

Howbizzare22 · 31/12/2023 23:02

Do NOT take that comment personally- you know you’re a great mum it was a knife hes jabbed you with deliberately just to hurt you as he is an incredibly abusive nasty piece of work. I hope you know this. The sooner you leave this piece of shit the better your life & health will be. As will your children’s x

FlyingMonkeyNever · 31/12/2023 23:04

Mariposistaa · 31/12/2023 22:56

Do not give up your job
give up this stupid manchild

I agree. Do not give up your job, unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Is there anyone else that can help you with childcare?
You should be able to organise a temporary absence of leave from work if needed, to get you through the next week or so.

Call the Police if you need to.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 31/12/2023 23:05

It's better to do it all on your own, than with an abuser who does nothing but put you down and make you resent him for doing feck all.

Original poster

trytobeamum · 31/12/2023 23:20

Not really anyone to help with childcare, i have no family here so its only his and it will be his mum only that could help , and she probably only takes the oldest but she works fulltime anyway, i am lucky that my work is good with me, they are very flexible and forthcoming so could possibly arrange for parental leave till i get sorted so i can keep my job 🤞 just not sure about how to tell him, we've talked since and now he's backtracking on everything and he didn't mean it like that, he does this every time after every argument, and thats daily at the moment, really do feel like I am going insane and i am the bad one here and just overreacting? He's already gotten into my head hasn't he

OP posts:

AnotherDayAnotherDoller · 31/12/2023 23:26

OP take some time to quietly think about your way out of this.
Secure yourself and your kids.
Weigh up what he brings to your life together with what your life without him would be.
What would maintenance/benefits leave u like financially.
What can u arrange work wise that would suit you without him.
Do all this so that you can make a secure and informed decision on your relationship. Make the decision about your relationship- not the practicalities If you can.

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