How to tell MIL to back off?

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Since my 2.5 year old DD was born my relationship with MIL has become really strained and I’ve tried to distance myself as MIL likes to take over and oversteps boundaries. She looks after DD two days a week and seems to be obsessed by her.

We went to see MIL as a family over Christmas and nothing has changed. When DH and I went to change DD’s nappy MIL decided to come with us and distract her and also when DD wanted a snack MIL followed me into the kitchen and undermined me by offering an alternative to the fruit I offered DD. MIL also won’t let DD play independently as she’s always hovering over her and in her face.

I understand that MIL loves DD but is there a polite way I can tell her to back off a bit, it’s difficult as she looks after her but it is all becoming too much and I feel completely suffocated by it.

Hmm.. In your shoes I would look for alternative and paid childcare.

It's difficult to enforce these types of boundaries when you're using her for childcare and she's doing you a favour essentially.

I think your reaction is over the top. Everyone has different childcare styles. You are criticising her for playing with her grandchild, yet you are happy to get free childcare from her. You have 2 choices, allow her to engage with your child her way or pay for childcare

You can’t be upset with her over stepping and use her for childcare

so either you have to put up with it and keep trying to set boundaries knowing they are likely to be ignored or you find alternative childcare and reduce visits

Sorry OP but I think the 2 days a week does blur the boundaries here a bit. For 2 days she is responsible for your child and this is obviously leading to her having viewpoints at other times as well and possibly still feeling residual responsibility.

It's hard to tell her to back off whilst still asking her to cover those 2 days.

If you want distance then it might be easier to look at other options for the 2 days - or to accept that her role on those 2 days is going to tend to bleed over into other times.

Find alternative childcare now, she is not an emotionally safe enough person to be around.

Where is your husband when all this is going on?. He needs to speak to her but he’s probably a mouse when it comes to his mother and is otherwise afraid of her and her reaction (perhaps she would turn in the tears for instance). You certainly need to find your inner tiger mother and protect your child from people like his mother. It will also do your child no favours to see her parents be so disrespected by her Nan all the bloody time.

She also likely sees your child as more hers than yours too. Yet another reason for you to now put your child into nursery.

Well I won't let be glad of a fran that took an interest in there grandchild. Grandmas do tend to spend more time because they now have experience and time.

This. You’re very lucky to have in laws that are happy to help - many don’t xx

Thank you all for your responses. Just to add that I would never comment on how MIL plays with her (even if it’s too much) but it’s the undermining us that irritates me.

I agree that the childcare blurs the boundaries and we are looking into alternatives because of the tension it is causing. MIL was like this when I was on maternity leave and still overstepped the boundaries, I thought one on one time with DD would help curb MIL’s excited behaviour but it seems to have made her worse.

I have tried to get DH to see her behaviour and it took him a while to understand where I’m coming from but he has never said anything to her and I don’t think he will as he doesn’t want to upset her.

she is not an emotionally safe enough person (for your child) to be around

Where on earth do you get that from, @AttilaTheMeerkat ?

Given how she behaved before you had a child she should have never been used for childcare. Your husband is also the problem here because he is unwilling and or unable to assert himself at all in front of his mother. He is a mouse when it comes to her and her conditioning of him from childhood (ie she must never be upset or there will be hell to pay/the sky will fall in on him) has really harmed him. His inertia when it comes to her harms him as much as you.

I would not concern yourself too much about potentially upsetting her, these people have thick skin. This is your child so your rules , she’s done her child rearing and she made a hash of it re your husband. She also does not give a toss about upsetting either of you either, she sees you both as weak and plays on that doing as she wants. Find a nursery place asap for your child.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

You’re lucky to have the help. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Grandmas have doted and spoilt their grandkids forever, doesn’t do the kids any harm.

She is obsessed with their child, undermines both parents in front of the child and additionally wants to play at being mummy again. That is why is she is not an emotionally safe enough person to be around, do I really have to spell it out?

She also overstepped when the op was herself on maternity leave. Such people like this mother in law do not change. Her own son is both unwilling and unable to speak to her because he does not want to ‘upset’ her. His inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as his wife and child.

Sounds quite normal to me!

Completely agree that we are lucky to have such a loving grandmother for our child and I don’t want to sound ungrateful as I appreciate her help.

It is difficult to explain the full extent of her behaviour without being too revealing but there have been boundary issues since day 1 of meeting DH so I should have predicted this.

Will definitely pursue the alternative childcare and continue to set boundaries and be more assertive with her.

I'd start looking for paid childcare and then granny can revert back to being granny instead of childcare & granny.

Then you stand a much better chance of enforcing boundaries because she will only see your daughter when you're visiting her or when she is visiting you, and not for longer term childcare reasons.

Did you read the OP? What about the feelings of the child's mother?
The MIL is undermining her parenting.

I would start looking elsewhere for childcare OP as you won't be able to establish proper boundaries otherwise. The alternative snack thing would piss me right off.

She has installed herself in dd's life as her third parent.. Maybe a few comments about her dps being there now so mil it's your day off... Or nursery.

You really have no proof of that. In a 5 day working week this woman cares for her grandchild 40% of the time! She most certainly will have a bond of love but you really ought not throw out erroneous suggestions she thinks she is the mum.