Sorry everyone - full on pity party today (and I have ADHD so feel things arguably worse). So apologies if this turns out long.
I always dislike NYE anyway, partly because it’s my birthday and because of all the pressure to make something of it and the forced ‘look how great my year was’ posts all over social media.
I’ve got 2 beautiful children and a great husband who’s tried really hard to make things great for me but I can’t help disappearing down a hole of disappointment today about my wider family.
I’m 30 today and my own dad nor siblings, have wished me a happy birthday. My own dad has always been selfish but I’ve always been this ‘saddo’ who’s always been desperate to be close with him and have his attention. He’s never been like a parent, he’s always fell into the role of the silly, playful, ‘friend’ type who’s good for a laugh but never for providing for or supporting emotionally. In my older years, I don’t really hear from him unless he needs to ring me to offload about his latest relationship issues. He’s got 3 children with his ex wife (after my mother, they separated when I was about 3), but the eldest of those is about 20, then around 18 and 9.
He’s been online most of today, posting photos of one of his motorbikes and how he’s spending the day listening to records but hasn’t sent me a single message for my birthday.
My mother married and had a child with (7 years age gap) an alcoholic who wouldn’t even speak to me when I was a child, divorced him and then had a strange boyfriend who we’d never see, apart from when he’d turn up at our house late at night and stay the night but she’d always lie and say he was just a friend. Then there was a big cheating scandal where she vilified him and included me in hearing about that, then he suddenly started turning up again out of the blue.
She had an awful temper and did things like slap me if I ‘wronged’ her or on one occasion, dragged me down the hall by my hair and was bellowing/screaming in my face whilst repeatedly slamming my bedroom door, as I cried for my dad. Another time, she’d slapped me for not looking at her whilst she lectured me, got my gran to come and have a go at me too, so I left the house. My grandad tried to chase after me and accidentally fell over, so she was screaming at me in the street that I was a bitch. She’d buy me Labrador puppies then rehome them as soon as I, as a child, inevitably didn’t care for them and it would be cited as my fault, despite her not leading by example or walking them either.
She’d ruin lots of birthdays for me by having a tantrum at me for not seeming grateful enough, not waiting for her to take photos before blowing out my candles (!) and on my 18th, organised a party night at a hotel, then left me there because I didn’t want to have lots of photos taken with her and looked like I was having more fun with my dad.
She later married a much older ex PC who assaulted me in front of her, would hurt our family dogs and engage in many controlling behaviours directed towards me. I moved out at 19 because of him but she’d always take his side and didn’t choose to leave him, despite knowing how much he targeted me and made my life so much of a misery that I would either stay out of the house or remain in my room.
It imploded a while later and she’s now living with a long term partner. I can’t forgive her for my life and keep her at arms length, especially with my own children. She recently said to me that she’s ‘her’ again now and this year has tried to ‘love bomb’ me by buying me an expensive gift experience; her selection being one in her own words, ‘she wants’ me to have, rather than it being one I’d actually pick and enjoy if she knew me at all.
I know I’m very lucky to have my own little family here with me but it still really hurts and I guess I feel cheated / resentful at what I wish I could have had. I look at other families and just wish I had a caring family who made me feel worth something.