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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Male Sexual Probs, can anyone help?

13 replies

needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 09:20

Hi,

I have been with my dp 9yrs.

i must say sex has only ever been great a handful of times. with previous partner (who was a bullying asshole i may add) sex was fab.

due to one thing and antoher (i was ill for 18mths) then we had kids, this 'problem' has never really been sorted.

i have tried subtle - joy of sex book to read, i have tried adventurous, sex toys etc, now i think we need to talk about it.

i approacged my dp last night, and talked about why it was always over so quick (poss prem ejac), and he said he didnt realise it was that bg of a prob and perhaps he had been ignoring it and sex was something he never wanted to talk about it.

his upbringing was pretty repressed sexually (you cant mentioin sex in house etc) and he never went through the normal teenage yrs of experimenting, girly mags, talking with mates etec. so his confidence is pretty low.

i want to know what we can do from here. i am 30 and cant face the next 40yrs together of sex being like this.

thanks in advance xxxx

OP posts:
needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 09:20

p.s. i have name changed for obvious reasons!

OP posts:
needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 09:50

anyone?

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 17/03/2008 09:55

do you always go straight for the sex option after a bit of foreplay?

how about taking sex off of the menu as it were for a few weeks and do other things - just exploring and teasing each other's bodys? and see if he'll open up as it were a little more that way - ie likes dislikes etc etc?

BibiThree · 17/03/2008 10:01

Bumping for you in the hope that there are other who will be able to help more than me

needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 10:03

we generally do have the foreplay then sex, and he never seems to last longer than 5mins at that point.

i wonder if taking sex of the menu may work - this will def be someething to talk to dp about later. that way at least we can concentrate on other things.

he doesnt have any real fantasies, and to me that seems wierd. its like he has though he is not 'allowed'.

xxxx

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 17/03/2008 10:08

might well be a part of his upbringing.

that's all I can suggest really. the more he think's it's an issue, the more inclined he'll prob be to stop altogether. (apparently this whole male sexual performance etc is sensitive stuff!)

but it might work thou, for you to take the lead a bit, and talk to him whilst doing stuff?

(am not too good with suggestions i'm afraid, posting at last is a bloke who's normally on these sorts of threads) well relationships ones.

might be worth posting in dadsnet section tonight as well as I think that's where the dads lurk!

Overrun · 17/03/2008 10:09

Sex therapists often recommend taking sex away, and concentrating on other things for various reasons. But not usually premature ejaculation I don't think.

Two tips I know of, one when he thinks he is going to come, he needs to squeeze the tip of his penis tightly, to stop the ejaculation (god I think its the tip, it might be the base, you should look that up in case I am advising you wrong).

Also there are some condoms on the market which are supposed to help delay ejaculation. They have a slightly numbing effect on him, which slows things down. If you don't use condoms presently, maybe even a normal condom might do this?

I think also, if you can find ways of ensuring your orgasm prior to actual penetration, oral sex or masturbation for instance, this will decrease your frustration. And improve his confidence perhaps?

wilbur · 17/03/2008 10:15

Relate offer psychosexual counselling which can help people tremendously. Your dp would have to agree to go along and talk, but it might really help him enjoy sex more and therefore make it better for you.

needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 10:16

thank you DTM, Bibi and Overrun.

i will talk to DH about this tonight.

it is getting me really down, i want us to have a good sex life, and its not happening.

i dont want dp to feel 'rejected' and was careful not to use comments like 'bad, quick' etc.

i will look up more info on PE and condoms.

xxx

OP posts:
needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 10:20

thank wilbur, i will take a look at that aswell

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 17/03/2008 19:35
Smile
needingsomehelp · 17/03/2008 22:49

bump

OP posts:
postingatlast · 18/03/2008 15:58

Hi there,

the squeeze technique for premature ejaculation is pointless, I feel. The two main reasons ejaculate prematurely is poor muscle control and psychological reasons.

Sex is such an intimate thing that if a man has an issue with intimacy, ejaculating quickly is a quick way to break the intimacy. It is also a quick way of avoiding "letting oneself go". Anxiety, stress, fatigue, all these things can cause premature ejaculation. If these things are rooted in his past then, yes, they can be worked on in therapy.

From a physical standpoint, he needs to work on strengthening his pelvic floor muscles. The easiest way to do this is to break up a pee when urinating. Initially do it once or twice during the pee, and build up to eventually being able to literally drip the pee drop by drop. The muscle gets built up very quickly. There are loads of things on the internet about it. Also, it puts him in touch with the sensations down there.

The key is to know that there is a point of no return, beyond which he will ejaculate, no matter what, a few seconds later. Learning to recognise this point, and sharing it with a partner, is a big step to helping the problem. He must feel confident enough to say slow down, without fearing that you will have a problem with that. Even if he has to come and and start again, at least he has recognised the point of no return.

For the rest, I guess there are just some people who are better lovers than others and, as with many things, a lot of that comes from experience. If, like you say, he came from a very repressed house and didn't have the experiences of adolescence, it is likely he is just very inexperienced. And when you add this into his confidence because of the prem issue, it is not difficult to see why sex may not be great for you.

Being with someone who lacks experience is not a problem per se. As long as either a) both partners have a similar level of experience and similar needs so they grow together as lovers or b) the more experienced partner takes the lead, shows the way and the other partner grows in confidence with that. That can be a lot of fun for both sides.

The fact that you are actually having sex is a good sign. The prem issue can be worked on and improved - and hopefully his confidence will improve with that. The more he relaxes, the more he will trust you, the more he will be open to new experiences. You can take the lead on that - maybe introduce some porn to watch together for example.

Hope that helps.

[I'm a man by the way]

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