Domestic abuse

[Mollie44]

I’m thinking of leaving my husband due to emotional and occasional physical abuse. (Nothing really serious) hit in the back on 2 separate occasions and he’s thrown water over me in an argument.
Id like to hear from women who have left an abusive relationship. How did you cope and do you regret leaving? I keep thinking if I left I would regret it because he can be so wonderful at times. Also is the good guy just an act and the abusive side his real personality?

I'm sorry he is treating you this way.

Generally...the nice stuff is the mask to draw you in and keep you around yes. If you Google the cycle of abuse it might help.

I think on it like this- good people don't usually do evil things. Evil people however, regularly pretend to be good.

If nasty behaviors are making up a sizable part pf someones behaviour. The logical conclusion is that they are probably a nasty person. Even if we don't want to think that way about someone, there comes a time where we just have to take the blinkers off.

Basically if someone does horrible things...it's probably, because they are a horrible person.

You say you'll worry you'll regret it because he's sometimes good. If your favorite sandwich was 95% good and 5% actusl horse shit...would you eat it?

Sometimes we have to walk away from things that are toxic in our lives. Like addictions. So that we can truly flourish and be happy. Even if its hard at first. You'll be glad yoi did when you can wake up a few months down and breathe freely without another day walking on eggshells.

Everything you say makes sense and I already knew this deep down. I just can’t understand how he can be so generous/loving etc and then change completely. He says he’s only reacting to my behaviour which I believe is his way of not owning up to his behaviour.
A few ago he grabbed the tablet out of my hand and it banged off my stomach it hurt a bit but was really shocked. His response was well I warned you !

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your marriage to this man needs to be well and truly over.

He is showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. The nice guy act is just that, an act designed to get you to believe he is nice and or has changed. This is who he is and he is never going to change. This man also hates women, all of them. He is totally responsible for his actions but abusive men always but always blame their chosen target, in this case you, for their actions.

Abuse is not a relationship issue, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you. Can you reach out to Women’s Aid here when he is out?. You need to plan your exit from this with due care and attention.

My parents have a loving/equal marriage. My relationship has slowly gotten worse over the last few years.

I just can’t understand how he can be so generous/loving etc and then change completely

Confusion like this is a very common part of being in a relationship with an abusive person, or an unhealthy relationship at the very least. You're trying to make his personality work to your logic, or maybe most people's logic, but some people's personality aren't always in an alignment that you might think is logical. Someone may manipulate you or lash out in anger, but then seem genuinely remorseful and even cry afterwards.

The very fundamental quality you should expect in any relationship, including friendship, is physical respect and safety. He's already crossed that line several times with you and isn't even remorseful, although, he may magically find all of his remorse when you leave him and he discovers there was an actual cost to him because of it. Be prepared for that.

I'd get out now because it's only a matter of time before he escalates, and the disrespect and aggression spills out into your sex life.

Don't wait until you're traumatised before you leave.

Every abuser loves to say or imply 'you made me do it'.

There is no excuse for abuse.

Ironically he is only reacting to your behaviour, he's using it to determine how to best abuse you that day.

Having a laugh at a TV show? Oh, better tell her her face looks ugly when she laughs. Just bought a nice dress? Better imply she hasn't hasn't got the legs for it. She seems like she mignt leave me? Better pretend to be nice for a week or so again until she's under my thumb again. She seems 'too' relaxed and happy in herself today? Better do something to whip the carpet out from under her feet. She's busy concentrating on something 'important' that isn't about me? Better make out that she is selfish.

They are bullies. And bullies sometimes pretend to be your friend so they can trick you and laugh at your gullibility, and find out other ways to hurt you.

But true friends don't make you feel... 'not enough' or like you aren't allowed to be proud of achievements or like your dreams, hobbies, ideas or beliefs are stupid, boring or pointless.

And your partner should be your friend. Probably your best friend. This guy...is actually your enemy.

Abuse often escalates over time and many such men are not solely financially abusive. There is physical abuse present in that you’ve been hit in the back and stomach.

The responsibility for the abuse of you is all his, you did not drive him to do this to you. His abuses of you will continue to happen to you so long as you remain with him and you are not safe with him.

I e never regretted leaving for myself. I do wish I'd left differently however. I left suddenly when his abuse tuned on our child and I had no proof and he got unsupervised contact. As a toddler she came home with marks on her. It was horrible. She's older now and can speak and nanny and new gf do most of the childcare when she's with him so it's ok now. Or as ok as it can be.

I'm glad I left because I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's ok for her future partner to treat her how her dad treated me. I just wish I'd been cleaver how I went about it at the time