I’ve been so stupid

[Se1401]

Background: my ex and I were together in a very toxic and rocky relationship for 8 years that ended at the beginning of 2023. At the start it was amazing, he was everything I’d ever wanted, love bombed me completely. Over the years things went downhill and for the last 2 years I was spoken to like garbage, threatened, told I wasn’t good enough etc. I tried to leave multiple times only to be faced with threats of him taking our son (3) away from me, suicide and promises of change and like a fool I always went back.
he finally moved out in July and things settled a little, I was happy with my decision and actually started speaking to a wonderful man. We met up a couple of times and kissed but nothing else. My ex on the other hand then decided he wanted me back and started again with the promises/threats. I ignored these for a number of months and stayed strong but it just got worse.
he used my children against me (I have another son 10 from a previous relationship) he said by ending things I’ve ruined their lives and chances at a family. He went missing for hours in another suicide threat, he then kept showing up in tears promising me the Earth and begging me to think about trying again.
over Christmas I relented a little and we had a nice Christmas with the children and actually enjoyed each others company and slept together a couple of times. But again I was brought back to reality with a bang after a blunt conversation with my sister who pointed out that I’d been in this situation many times before.
Today I told him that I needed to be away from him and I’d made a mistake by allowing him back in for the few days over Christmas, he has again lost the plot, screaming and shouting, threatening me and saying he will expose the person I really am etc. now he’s sat crying in his car saying he has nothing to live for.
I don’t know what to do. My heart tells me I don’t want to be with him but at the same time will my life be even harder because of him if I’m not?
please be kind I’m so anxious.

Do not ever let this man back into your life yet again. Get off the merry go round completely before he ruins your child and your life even further.

Listen also to your sister here. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the thick of it but this man has and is playing you just like a violin. He is an abusive manipulator who is also not above using suicide threats to threaten and otherwise control you with. If he threatens suicide again call the police and ask them to do a welfare check, do not involve yourself further with him. Better to be on your own with your kids than to have his malign presence in your life. Get therapy for yourself to re this man and educate yourself far more about red flags, love bombing and emotional manipulation. Your children will also thank you for doing that.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme too.

He’s using a common script to control you. Makes his life easier for him.
The promises > threats they’ll expose something about you > suicide is a well worked routine.
Only cutting him 100% will stop the cycle and you need help for this. Contact Women’s Aid for support for you.
You need a non contact, non molestation order , there’ll be more knowledgeable along to advise you.
If he’s outside your house and you’re concerned you could call the police and explain he needs a welfare check. Don’t engage with him, don’t let him back in.
You need to move forward in a new life, free from him, to give you and most importantly your children a better future. Stay strong.

@Se1401 and I know it’s a well worn routine bc my ex did and said exactly the same things. Over and over and over, same routine until I kicked him out, moved away and never saw him again. My life got so much better. Yours can too.

He is just relentless, ringing me, messaging me, crying, saying I’ve used him over Christmas and saying I’m ruining everyone’s lives by doing this. It’s so hard to stay strong when I know the worst is yet to come.
He can’t handle rejection of any kind and automatically switches into this evil person full of anger and threats

You need to block him, don’t have any contact atall

Call the police, tell them he is threatening you and threatening suicide.

Have him removed

Block him on everything

I don't mean to alarm you but he sounds very dangerous. Men like this have killed their former partners. Time to involve the police.

Echo everyone else. Call the police for a welfare check. Block him on your phone.
tell the police he has threatened you and you don't want him back.

if you don't, this continues, forever. He will keep doing all he needs to to keep you in line and the only one who can change it is you.

My DSS had a girlfriend who kept doing this reg suicide threats. He was wanting to go walking in the woods to find her. I called the police. She was at home in her bedroom. Her mum went mad at her. I told her mum calmly that every time she threatened it I would call the police. She never did it again. It was a way to get control and attention.

He’s awful, don’t consider taking him back, I’d call the police as suggested above.

He's manipulative and abusive. You need very clear and strong boundaries.

Unfortunately, from his perspective, you've led him on and given him false hope. He isn't going to see that he's baggered and manipulated you.

In the future, get aa Co parenting app. Only communicate through the app. Only communicate about contact and your joint child. Don't discuss anything else. Do drop-offs at a middle persons house like your sisters / parents or his parents. If you can't do that, get a ring doorbell and he can pick it up from the front door. Don't ever be alone with him again. If he threatens suicide get the police to do a welfare check, but don't engage with him.

ETA: It took me a lot of tries (7 or 8) to leave an abuse ex about 25 years ago. It's hard.

Do the freedom programme.

Call Police.

he has again lost the plot, screaming and shouting, threatening me and saying he will expose the person I really am etc. now he’s sat crying in his car saying he has nothing to live for.
I don’t know what to do

Have a search for the scores if not hundreds of threads where the man reacts like this. There'll be some very good advice on them. And on this thread, as well.

Who's he going to expose 'the person you really are' TO? he sounds like an overly dramatic 15 year old with his first GF

I’ve been there.
I finally completely ended things, and he did ramp up the bad behaviour for awhile.
I also got the suicide threats, he damaged my property, stopped seeing the kids. It was hard.
It did end though when he latched on to someone else.
It was a really bad time, but you just have to stay firm. I am so, so grateful I did, and you can too.
💐

It's so hard it truly is. Been here myself.

I would suggest keeping a diary of how he made you feel in the bad times - on your phone so he can't find and refer back to that to keep your strength up. Good luck xxx

I was in a similar situation years ago, I kept telling him was over then relented , backwards and forwards , he sort of knew I would relent. Until the day when I said no and meant it, he knew I meant it.
You need to block him, call the police whatever you need to do, but you've got to really mean it.

I’m struggling so much. Things have intensified over the last few days, he blames me for his reaction says I’ve led him on playing happy families over xmas and I can see why he thinks that but he fails to acknowledge that he manipulates me so much. He has spent the last few days telling me it’s all my fault and when he does eventually end himself it’ll be on my head. He told me yesterday he was doing it and I panicked, he wouldn’t answer the phone and I went to his house to find him. He had a rope there but as he’s said these things so many times I don’t know if he’s serious or if it’s just another technique. I ended up removing anything from his house that could hurt him and he came to my house and I’ve got him an urgent appointment at the drs this morning. But now I feel that this again is just manipulation so that he can be around me.
I feel sick, my mental health is declining rapidly. I feel like I’m playing god, either I get back with him or he kills himself.
im sorry if I come across as pathetic.

Block him on all platforms

Call the police - he's harassing you

Listen to your sister

Police now.
If he tops himself it's on him not you.
Then Ss for access.
Again if he tops himself not on you.
Then block. I had a similar life many years ago with my eldest dad. We to and frowed like you have. I lost it with him one day when he was sat in the car outside the crying saying he was going to end it all and how my son not having a dad would be all my fault.

I quietly slipped into my pourch and told him there was a present in there for him. Never seen him move so fast in my life (I'd put the side board behind the front door after the message) he got his present and wasn't impressed. I left a note saying do as you will, on top of the rope with a noose I'd tied in it.
All treats stopped after that.

He will not kill himself.
Mine ex is still alive and kicking,

You aren't responsible if he kills himself. You need to stop engaging. If he threatens to kill himself call the police and ask them to do a welfare check.

You need to sort out your own mental health. You need to do the freedom programme. You need to have clear boundaries moving forward. You cant control what he does but you can control what you do..

I had an ex that used to hurt me, he was violent and manipulative. He would threatens to kill himself. 25 years later he's still alive.

If he threatens to self harm again, tell him you are calling the police to carry out a welfare check on him. Then do it.