Silent treatment or just slower to recover?

[PaperBlinds]

I keep seeing on here that silent treatment is abusive, but is there a difference when you simply don't want to talk to someone after an argument? I don't feel like I am punishing anyone, but I need time to feel okay again and less cross so I can continue my day. Just because he wants it all to go away now do I have to be fine too?

it was a stupid argument, but I lost my rag because he wouldn't stop, despite me asking him repeatedly to. And now he want's everything back to normal, but I feel exhausted and upset and I just want to be left alone. I have said it's fine, but I need time to come back to myself and I don't really want to engage with him.

I think you are letting it fester.
I hated being given the silent treatment because my mind was imagining the worse .
How are you when you get the silent treatment?

I think the length of time is key, and also how you go about it.

It is one thing to tell them that you need space for a few hours while you calm down.

Completely different to just ignoring him, refusing to talk ( or give short sharp responses) for days on end.

I lost my rag because he wouldn't stop, despite me asking him repeatedly to. And now he want's everything back to normal, but I feel exhausted and upset and I just want to be left alone.

I'm not surprised you're upset. Sounds like you have different arguing styles?

He doesn't get to wind you up then insist that you're fine with him.

What usually happens when you argue? How long ago was your argument?

Great thread as I often think the same thing.

I don’t like that someone can continuously be a dick, have an argument then act like everything is okay. I need my own time to calm down and that’s not going to happen in 20 minutes. I don’t think it’s abusive but I guess it depends how one goes about it

There is absolutely nothing wrong in taking time to settle AS LONG AS you are verbally reasuraning the other party ' I love you but that was alot of emotions and I'm just taking the time to settle down so I can come back with good emotions only'

I agree, I think you do need time to restore your equilibrium. It's very aggressive to not stop when repeatedly asked to and then expect that to have zero impact on someone.

You have been bullied and the bully is continuing to bully you by not allowing you any emotional response.

I don't think you have to slap a happy face on and pretend the argument never happened, but you haven't really said what you 'coming back to yourself' involves.

Ignoring him when he speaks to you, stonewalling, sulking, making the atmosphere horrible are all unacceptable and abusive. Indulging in feeling 'wronged' whilst in his presence and it sparking up every time you look at him, festering and ruminating in those feelings is also not on.

I'd suggest you are civil and pleasant, but take yourself out somewhere, even just a walk, to clear your head and either get over it or decide you can't get over it. But don't get stuck in that cycle of anger - it will destroy your relationship.

I hate conflict. I grew up with it, I avoid it hugely. I go quiet. I suppose it's sulking. Its my way of realigning.

Whilst I think the silent treatment of days is too much, Im unsure how MN expectation of keeping calm, not raising your voice, communication efficiently and continuously without too much emotion works in an actual situation.

If you're falling out with someone, there is a likelihood of raised voices, hurt feelings and a hangover of atmosphere afterwards. Just because someone says sorry, doesn't mean that the receiver has to forgive straightaway. That would mean their feelings are totally invalidated and not as important

You absolutely do not need to engage when he has been rude and aggressive, it's not the 'silent treatment' to say you need space and ask to be left alone, totally different. You're regulating your emotions and that is absolutely fine.

you are being completely normal, OP.

I say that as someone who was on the receiving end of the silent treatment by my ex.

His expectation that you should forget it immediately is actually abusive because he isn’t giving you the space to express how you really feel. You’ve also explained why you are quiet and upset.

I think we all need to be wary of labelling all emotional behaviour as abuse- people shout when they’re angry- it doesn’t mean they’re abusive. People cry when upsetting things happen- it’s doesn’t make them manipulative.

It becomes abuse when it’s a pattern, and is used to control or manipulate the other partner into accepting a situation that doesn’t consider their needs.

Thank you, these are all really helpful responses. It was a stupid miscommunication, but he just wouldn't stop. I also hate apologies that basically mean can we stop now, as they are not apologising just but saying "look i've apologised so you have to get over it too."

We are we okay and I have explained (again) that having got it out of his system, I am a different person and not necessarily in the same place. It was brief and we are both tired and under the weather. I just wanted a sense check on whether I am being unreasonable in not really wanting to talk to him. He has properly apologised for winding me up and refusing to stop (not back down it wasn't resolvable, just stop and walk away), and I have apologised for getting so upset and shouting, but I just have to recover for a bit. I can hold my own and more worried about me behaving badly than him.

it has been really helpful just asking the question and hearing i am still just about holding on within the realms of reasonable.

I would say that's not silent treatment. You aren't giving him the silent treatment, you're processing your emotional overload. They are very different things.

My dh is currently giving me the silent treatment because I was drunk at a party we went to last night. He complained during the party about how drunk a friend was and I said what's that got to do with me? He's punishing me, for whatever reason only he knows.