My friend’s long distance situationship

[Barbarella73]

One of my closest friends met a guy she really liked through her work a little over a year ago. He lives and works in the US, for the same company, and she occasionally goes there for work. She has been in a sort of ‘situationship’ with him for all of this year, meeting a couple of times and messaging in between. He has told her he isn’t emotionally available and doesn’t want a long distance relationship. They have periods where they are not in contact, due to disagreements etc. He has two kids, with two different women, and he has never been married. He seems to spend a lot of time with his kids, or at least that’s what he’s telling her.

While she has mentioned him to her other friends/family, I am the only person that knows all of the above. I think this is probably because she doesn’t want to hear what people might say. I have tried hard not to give my opinion, as I don’t want her to feel isolated, but I have asked pointed questions in the hope that she may realise this thing with him isn’t going anywhere.

It’s the end of the year now, and I don’t want to spend another one watching my lovely friend subsist on crumbs. It’s been hard watching her frequent upset and low mood, and I realise maybe I should have been frank with her instead of just asking questions. I’m at the point now where I feel like my options are to:

1.	Tell her that she is wasting her time with whatever this is
2.	Tell her that I don’t want to hear about him
3.	Go low contact with her

I feel like the first two options could result in her becoming angry and distancing herself. But I don’t want to keep hearing about this and worrying about her; she has been so down at times this year.

All advice gratefully received ❤️

"Isn't emotionally available" or "is in another relationship", I wonder.

Not sure why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't emotionally available, and not physically available either so not a fuck buddy, so literally what is this person offering?!

I assume if you've already asked pointed questions that you've ascertained she knows he can't move here and she can't move there, so this thing has no future whatsoever. Maybe that suits her, but it also doesn't sound like she's having much fun either.

I'm veering towards option 2, it feels like his lack of availability means she is using you to vent about a situation entirely of her own making. I would be fairly clear with her - you don't think this situationship is good for her as it isn't making her happy, and you can't keep talking to her about it as it's exhausting. Yes, she may be hurt but going low contact sounds more hurtful.

She's probably not going to listen to #1. Is there any way you can do a more casual version of it? Maybe a "Ah, sure, if he was emotionally available or nearby that would be great, but he's not. NEXT!" or similar.

It is really hard watching friends be unhappy.

1. Tell her that she is wasting her time with whatever this is

I think she knows! You say yourself that she's only told you everything because you've been asking questions for fear of her being isolated. I think you've done the right thing there. The risk of this is that she withdraws from you. Which may be the outcome you want.

2. Tell her that I don’t want to hear about him

Will that help? She will still be upset presumably.

3. Go low contact with her

Well, you won't see her be upset as much any more, but it does feel like an extreme reaction, unless it is significantly affecting your mental health. Of course, you don't have to see anyone you don't want to see, but you describe her as your lovely friend so you may feel it is a shame to lose a friendship when you could still be supportive.

I'd suggest option 4. Talk to her more openly than before. Say you're finding it so hard to see her upset over this relationship, maybe with some specific observations about how much she has been affected. Ask her how she feels about it. What does she get out of the relationship? Say you suspect she has possibly told only you about all the details - is that because of what others might think? If so, what is that? Stay curious. I wonder about her childhood - is there something there that makes her feel like she can't have more than crumbs? If so, that will need some therapy to unpack.

If you do end up going low contact with her, at least having had this conversation will mean she understands why better.

If other than this she’s a good friend, I’d go for option 4 and continue being her friend. Hear her out & be honest with your thoughts.

It is a shame she’s wasting her time but it’s her life.

I have told two friends about issues that are very clear in their relationships, neither comment was welcome and I lost one of them as a very long standing friend because I did. The other was not pleased and ignored my worries and married him anyway, we have remained good friends though. Roll on a decade and now divorced and out of pocket I will never do a I told you so but my God it is one of those. I now sit and watch another long term friend in love with whilst not an abusive man and she does really love him what is termed on MN as a cocklodger and is such an insufferable twat even DH who is so chilled out he is horizontal can’t stand him.

You cannot save your friends from themselves. Just remain a friend and be there to pick up the pieces.

Maybe subtly encourage her to make her rl more exciting. New hobby. Job. Pet. Change the subject breezily whenever she is Woe Is Me about him. Or add him on your sm and try catch him out with other women... Have you Googled him? LinkedIn? Maybe pics of a dw and dc...

You can't change her behaviour and feelings.

You can distance yourself from her if you want to. If you have stopped enjoying the friendship because it is no fun listening to her being upset, perhaps you should.

It won't help her, but then none of your three options will.

If you want to be a good friend listen and support. Tell her you think he is shit, of course. But that you love her and respect her right to make her own decisions.

She's not the first person to fall hard for somebody who is unavailable, and she won't be the last. Sadly.

You just have to decide what sort of a friend you want to be. You are under no obligation to support her if you don't want to, I guess.

Thank you all for your responses. I’m v.aware that there’s nothing I can do to change how she feels/what she does about him - when she first met him, I figured it would either turn into something real or it would have died away by now, and that’s partly why I have been questioning and supporting without saying what I really think. She refers to it as a relationship, and says that he’s just not ready to acknowledge that he feels the same way she does. I think this is unlikely.

Thank you again - I’m going to mull it over and decide how best I can continue to be there for her.

There is nothing you can do except smile and not and wait for shit to hit the fan sadly.

The man has children so will not be relocating unless he plans to abandon them. The only way this could work is if she eventually moved countries. Is that something she seems open to? Is she young? Does she not want a family of her own?

Sad to see someone waste their life. It would be complicated enough if he did not have kids. It’s not a relationship at all.

As a friend all you can do is support. Subtly guide but inevitably people can be completely blinded by infatuation.