Does couples counselling work?

[rainshere]

Hi all

I have been married to DH for 7 years, things are good now but the beginning of our relationship first year or two was not so great. No cheating (that I know of) or big things as such but there has been quite a lot of disrespect from him which has changed for the better when our relationship got serious. As I said we are happy now but once or twice a year I really think back to the time and hate our first year of relationship to the point where it's starting to affect the present. We always try to talk but I always go back to it and feel we can't resolve this and move on by ourselves. It's been years and I'm going through another phase where the past is eating me alive.
Would couples therapy work?
Hope it all makes sense.

Tia xxx

If it's you that keeps circling back to a resolved problem is it couples counselling you need or just counselling for you?

It can help you to communicate better and try to explore the feelings. I'd say given that you're in a good place now, the issue corks be resolved, but it's not as easy as saying it works.

It depends on how you both respond.

That's a really good question. From his point he's answered all questions and he's moved on. But I keep going back as I don't feel satisfied with his answers. I feel like I was just a cretin being in love and didn't see what was going on around us.

Well he can't change what happened. Neither can you. What do you mean by not satisfied by his answers? If they are the truth of it then what would satisfy you?

get a good counsellor and its excellent, I would highly recommend

I think its worth considering why you aren't satisfied by the answers he gives.

Is it because they are not compassionate? Because they minimise how cruel he was? Because they make it seem like you had no right to be uncomfortable with his behaviour?

If so, the reason you can't let go might be because your gut is screaming and you that someone who could behave that way without any real remorse...is.not.a.good.person.

And couples counciling cannot fit that.

If however, he has been contrite, remorseful and changed for the better and you are still struggling...personal therapy might help.

It might help you recognise how past relationships such as parental upbringing are affecting you still.

It may even help you establish if it is the case that the person you are with isn't really sorry for how he behaved and the problem is NOT that you can't fully brush it under the carpet - but that you shouldn't even be trying to to begin with.

What did he do?

Maybe you can't let it go because it says something about his character that you don't like or feel like you shouldn't have overlooked?

Also, if you feel like you never got the truth about whatever it was, then yeah, that does eat away at you. You can try to shove it in a box in your mind, but it has a habit of oozing out: cognitive dissonance of trying to believe something that doesn't ring true.

I've done both personal and couples therapy. In this instance I'd suggest initially personal therapy - more so that you can understand why you keep circling back to your first year together over the remaining happy years. Once you've got to the bottom of your feelings you'll either feel like it's resolved or that you then need to explore it as a couple at which point I'd look at couples counselling.

I did the couples therapy first, then realised it didn't help me understand my feelings so then did personal therapy and after that went back to couples counselling and found it worked much better for us.