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Relationships

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Original poster

I don't want to game play, want advice on how to date

16 replies

Timeout22 · 30/12/2023 23:39

Hey MN,

Hope you are all well. Tonight I went for a really lovely dinner with someone I have feelings for, a lot of feelings for, but he has had commitment issues in the past. We knew each other years ago. I find myself overthinking a lot since coming home as I didn't expect it to go as well as it did and part of me wants to text him upfront with my feelings.....but I know that's not for the best.

I don't want to play games but very simply, what do men most answer to these days when it comes to dating? Playing it cool?

OP posts:

TickTickTock · 30/12/2023 23:49

Maybe hold off on confessing the intensity of your feelings just yet! He's had commitment issues in the past and I'm assuming this is the first date you two have had, at least for a long while. Could you just let him know you had a nice time and see how he responds?.
Have you arranged to see each other again?

Original poster

Timeout22 · 30/12/2023 23:55

We don't live in the same city anymore unfortunately so haven't made another plan. We live almost three hours apart so I also don't want to jump to get too invested.

He texted to say he had a really nice time and apologise for a stupid joke he made. I replied i did too with a heart emoji. God it's like being a teenager, analysing emojis!

OP posts:

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 30/12/2023 23:59

If you are looking for serious dating, with marriage being the end goal, you should try reading The Rules. It's the advice your mother would have given you in days gone by and it does work!

FPCculture · 31/12/2023 10:24

Simple, as a man I would love for a girl to be upfront if she fancies me unlike what most society says "the men have to do it "

I would love a girl saying "I think I genuinely like you and I would like to see if we can go further behind dating " or just " I think I like you morethan what I initially assumed, how do you feel at this stage "

Crazycrazylady · 31/12/2023 17:18

No I think it's far too soon for that. It would scare off lots of people ( not just previous commitment phone's)

JamSandle · 31/12/2023 17:23

FPCculture · 31/12/2023 10:24

Simple, as a man I would love for a girl to be upfront if she fancies me unlike what most society says "the men have to do it "

What if you haven't been on a date but have a crush? How should a woman approach that?

NearlyMonday · 31/12/2023 17:26

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 30/12/2023 23:59

If you are looking for serious dating, with marriage being the end goal, you should try reading The Rules. It's the advice your mother would have given you in days gone by and it does work!

This!

gannett · 31/12/2023 17:31

what do men most answer to these days when it comes to dating? Playing it cool?

Men are not homogeneous. They respond differently to different things. Some may enjoy the challenge of pursuing someone who's playing it cool. Others will take her at face value and move on.

My only dating advice is not to play games. Do what you want and what feels good for you. Never, ever try to second-guess what someone else wants.

FPCculture · 01/01/2024 16:26

As it's 2023 , do not be told my anyone that no woman should approach men, believe me ,we would actually appreciate someone being honest than just waiting around . In the metoo climate ,some men genuinely like women and are scared to approach them so you will end up missing on someone you like because of tradition.

Give the signals without being forward , it works all the time.

HappiestSleeping · 01/01/2024 16:41

JamSandle · 31/12/2023 17:23

What if you haven't been on a date but have a crush? How should a woman approach that?

Show quote history

I would go for something like "I'd like to get to know you better", maybe adding "you seem interesting" or some such. That sets the scene, doesn't throw yourself under any buses, and tests the water about reciprocation while leaving plenty of room for negative responses that don't crush.

(Man here)

NearlyMonday · 01/01/2024 17:57

@HappiestSleeping good to get a male perspective. Should a woman initiate text/phone contact with a man in the early stages, or do we leave it to the men?

GreatGateauxsby · 01/01/2024 18:01

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 30/12/2023 23:59

If you are looking for serious dating, with marriage being the end goal, you should try reading The Rules. It's the advice your mother would have given you in days gone by and it does work!

I hate to say it but I agree with this.

If he had/has commitment issues you need to let him do the leg work in the early to mid stages

Watch his actions, not words…

HappiestSleeping · 01/01/2024 18:33

NearlyMonday · 01/01/2024 17:57

@HappiestSleeping good to get a male perspective. Should a woman initiate text/phone contact with a man in the early stages, or do we leave it to the men?

Caveat here is that my opinion is a) quite a lot out of date, and b) quite different to what I read on mumsnet (which is educational to say the least), however, I have usually found that the best way to get to know someone is to spend time with them. I don't think it should matter who initiates.

If person A likes person B, they should ask them to do things in order to get to know them better. Doesn't matter what sex either person A or person B are. In my own instance, my now wife initiated many of our early meetings. I wasn't threatened by that, or scared off, or anything else. If any man is, I think the response should be "next!". Plenty more books in the library so to speak.

I think that there are several things that are important whichever party does the asking. There are:-

Don't put the other person on the spot. Always leave an easy out. That saves both sides any embarrassment.

The way to make someone want to spend time with you is to make it an enjoyable experience.
Don't read anything into meetings. Que Sera Sera and all that. If it is meant to be then it will develop on its own. Likewise, if someone says they're busy, don't assume it is a rejection. They may actually be busy. Ask again, leave it a while and ask again. It will fizzle if it isn't meant to be too.
Invite to things you like to do. If your person of interest is interested in the same stuff, this is a good time to know. Likewise, if you invite them parachuting, it's also a good time to find they have vertigo.
Do other stuff in between. That way you aren't hanging out waiting for each date.

Sorry, that's more than you asked for, and quite opinionated of me to volunteer it unsolicited. I am clearly out of date, but it really shouldn't be that difficult. I really don't get the whole "he / she hasn't read my message on WhatsApp", or "he / she hasn't replied within 2 minutes". Hence point 5.

Original poster

Timeout22 · 01/01/2024 22:43

Thanks for the comments so far. I've heard from him a lot but because we had issues in the past and live in different cities it's hard to be sure what will happen.

I have told him I can plan visiting his city (which I have to do for work twice a month) based on when he's free to show I'm interested and he's messaging all the time, but it's obviously one been a couple days. I should have mentioned though we dated six years ago.

OP posts:

Burntouted · 01/01/2024 23:13

You know that he wouldn't make a good partner and has commitment issues. Declaring your feelings and still try to pursue someone who you aren't suitable for is gameish....because you already know that nothing substantial isn't going to come from remaining.

Perhaps you should leave him alone and try to find someone who doesn't have these or similar issues as he does.

Try to work on putting feelings aside, and making decisions based rationale and logic.

He isn't going to be what you need and desire in the long run.. You already know this. Don't self sabotage.

Be yourself when it comes to dating. Don't try to mimick or be someone and something that you're genuinely not.

Be aware of red flags, and dismiss people that you aren't genuinely compatible with. Don't remain and don't try to force compatibility when there may not be any.

There's no need to play games and act a role to land a suitable partner.

EBearhug · 01/01/2024 23:17

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 30/12/2023 23:59

If you are looking for serious dating, with marriage being the end goal, you should try reading The Rules. It's the advice your mother would have given you in days gone by and it does work!

That depends on the mother. Mine told me to call them "darling," because then you don't have to remember the names...

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