DH's female friend - wwyd?

[Alittlebitwary]

DH has a female friend he has known for a fairly long time (before I met him - we are married 5+ years with 2 young DC). I would say they are fairly good friends, but don't usually see each other much (meet maybe a couple of times a year, text occasionally). It's normally just the two of them, I don't know her particularly well.

Our DC now go to the same school (she is married with 2DC) and since our eldest started in September, suddenly DH is seeing and messaging her more, she has offered to babysit for us, and they've taken the DC for a playdate together recently and the DC took a real shine to each other. She has now asked about having our DC over for tea some time soon.

Without any other background this would seem fine, friendly, whatever. However I can't help but feel really uncomfortable about it. I don't want her around my DH, and I don't want her cosying up to my DC either. But I have no say in who he is friends with, we trust each other, and I don't want to kick up a fuss about something that could be entirely my own insecurity. So I don't know whether to say anything or not.

Background...

On our wedding day, 2 of my friends told me this woman was sobbing her eyes out blind drunk at the night so and told a few people she couldn't believe DH was now married (she was with her now husband at the time). She posed with DH for photos while I was off talking to guests, so there are "coupley" photos of them within our wedding photos. A few people did comment how weird this was. Over the years she has had issues with her DP and would tend to call on my DH if she needed a chat, and also DIY type jobs doing, which he was always happy to help with. I always felt a bit like she only contacted him when she wanted something and in all honesty I didn't really like her or get a good vibe from her, and she didn't seem particularly interested in getting to know me either.

I've never really thought much of any of it as they barely saw each other. However, in the past year, a neighbour saw DH and his friend together the last time they met up and basically told me to watch my back, as this friend was the woman her (now ex) husband had cheated on her with.

AIBU to be wary of a sudden increase in them spending time together when they wouldn't normally, AIBU to feel like she's working her way in, and should I tell DH how I feel or am I just going to cause some kind of self fulfilling prophecy by making DH feel untrusted if I tell him I'm uncomfortable with it? I can't help how I feel but I normally tell him everything. I trust him but I also feel like I want to protect my family unit and this woman feels threatening to me naturally I want her to just go away 🙈

I also know full well that DH is perfectly entitled to have a female friend, and I don't want to come between him and a friend just because I feel insecure about it. I'm not sure what telling him would achieve other than maybe gain some reassurance that there's nothing more to it.

Wwyd?

I wouldn’t want want my DH spending time with her either. She can’t be trusted.

Well, do you trust your DH or don’t you?

It doesn’t matter whether you trust her or not, do you trust him?

You’re definitely not being unreasonable, i’d be wary too especially with what your neighbour said. It’s a tricky one to approach though with DH. I’d get him to arrange a play date and then turn up with the kids, without DH, maybe she will back off a bit if she feels unimportant to him.

It's a hard one but it does come down to how much you trust your DH. You say you do, but do you trust him enough that if this woman DOES decide she wants him, you have nothing to fear?

I think until you can answer that honestly and 100% truthfully, you can't really decide the best course of action.

Either way, I would make an effort to get to know her. If your DC are starting to play together, you can definitely step in. Your DH should be happy for you to be the one that facilitates their interactions sometimes and that will send the message that you are a team and that the friendship is not secretive and therefore exciting and full of frision

Man here....so.... do you and DH have a happy sex life and relationship? If he doesn't feel wanting sexually and loves you then the risk is very low. I have 5-6 platonic woman friends (two for over 20 years) that I have zero sexual attraction to.
Don't try and push boundaries on him, especially as they have heen friends for years, it will make you look bad. But...if you Carefully voice that this friend had an affair with a married man (hope I understood that right) you can ask DH why he thinks she needs to see more of him now for whatever reason. So let him talk about how he sees their friendship rather than make him justify it to you. Besides, he choose you over her so be confident in yourself.

The quote comes to mind: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Not saying that she’s your enemy but until you know more it’s maybe an idea to get to know her better and be more involved in her friendship with your DH?

I think you have good reason not to trust her, especially if she's cheated before. However your DP may not reciprocate these feelings, does he give you any reason to feel worried and is your relationship generally happy and loving? I think l'd be making sure l was included in any play dates so that l could see the dynamic between them and go from there.

I would lay out to your DH what you have laid out here. You do not sound unreasonable.

People will bleat on about trust in your DH is all that matters, but that’s just not how it works in real life. People have affairs out the blue, people are sometimes utterly blindsided when they would have sworn trust up and down.

Unless you are a controlling arsehole, it is your DH’s job to create a marriage of safety for you. No one needs friends who cause discomfort in their marriage, and you should come above all others.

A few years back my DH once came to me about a work colleague/friend who made him feel uncomfortable for various reasons (nothing on my part), and I could see his point. He’s my no.1, trust did not come into it, it was my job to create a feeling of utter safety for him, and that’s exactly what I did with my words and actions.

Everyone saying the only thing that matters is whether you trust him - and I strongly disagree this should be a consideration. Cheating on you or falling in love with her is not your biggest concern, it's the stress/arguments/tension a toxic friendship can create in your relationship that should worry you. Just like relationships can be toxic, friendships can too - and this friendship does seem like she needs him to fill a gap in her life at the exclusion of you. Now she's getting your DC involved in this dynamic while STILL excluding you...Women who get dependent on a man at the best of times are a nightmare because they don't know how to relate to them in a healthy way. Even worse when the man is not a partner or blood relative.

I would absolutely have a conversation with your DH about WHY you are uncomfortable with their friendship, and be honest about what happened on your wedding day. You don't have to bring up the gossip about her cheating as that would imply you don't trust him, and it's irrelevant. But focus on how she is excluding you while building a very emotionally intimate relationship with your husband and children - which will cause a gap in emotional intimacy between you both if it carries on. You have limited time for each other outside of the kids, and he cannot be there for her how she needs while giving you quality time too.

You share a home, finances, children with this man and have legally committed to a lifetime together - that gives you the right to voice your concerns over who he's choosing to bring into that life or have around your DC. And please don't think you're being insecure or have no right to discuss his friends - this is patriarchal BS women are fed to stop them trusting their intuition/gut. You don't need concrete evidence someone has done something wrong to feel uncomfortable about them, sometimes people give off a weird vibe/energy you shouldn't ignore.

I had this with my DP's female friend of 10 years. She had zero interest in getting to know me, yet would message and call him regularly needing something, despite having a husband. It only escalated over the years because i said nothing, and eventually she got drunk and admitted she wished they had ended up together. DP cut contact with her and it's been 3 years since we saw/heard from her and our relationship is so much healthier now. I hadn't realised how much strain it had caused until she was out of our lives. DP now looks back and is regretful that he ignored all the signs even though at some level he had suspected she wasn't ok. Don't ignore your gut and talk to your DH.

Hmmm… how attractive is she? If she’s hot you have more to worry about.

i have a couple of very close female friends who initially wanted a relationship with me, but we’ve ended up lifelong friends and very close. But I’ve just never found them attractive sexually and never will.

But if we got in really well, AND they were hot, then given the wrong set of circumstances something could happen.

If the kids are now friends surely this is the time to step in and make her and her dh your "family friends" that you all let up with together? That way it will be clearly weird when you're dh and she need to meet up one to one...

You say you trust him.
But then everything in your post contradicts that.
It doesn't matter if she's the biggest seductress in town. If your husband can be trusted, there's really no issue. Because even if she moves in on him, he'll set stern boundaries and act with dignity and respect.

The issue isn't what kind of woman she is. The issue is that you don't trust him not to fall for her. And who knows, maybe you're right. But then you need to come out and say it. You can't say you trust him and he's allowed to have female friends and then get all twisted over this female friend. Just speak your truth:
You can't trust your husband around her and you need him to stop putting himself in situations where there might be temptation. That's the conversation you need to be having right now.

I really disagree with the previous comment. Even if you trust him a hundred percent that does not remove the nuisance of a woman who has your DH as her focus of attention. It just doesn’t. I’ve had this in my own relationship. My partner thought it was fine that he was infested with overstepping female friends who fancied him because he’d never do anything. Well, no. I did not want every evening to be dominated by the arrival of faux-platonic messages and so on. I trusted him and these ladies were being a nuisance. I believe it is two fold.

It came to a head when one of them, let’s say ‘Emily’ had sent a set of totally unromantic messages about a tv programme over the course of Valentine’s Day evening. It caused a little row between us. I said ‘why’s Emily texting on Valentine’s Day? Doesn’t she want any emotional privacy with her own partner?’ He said ‘there’s nothing to worry about, look at the messages!’ (I did look and there were just crap jokes about this tv programme.) But I said ‘what you don’t understand is that I don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day reading Emily’s crappy messages or hearing them beep! It took a while but he’s ironed her out and been very contrite about just arguing with me over trust.

It’s like you and your partner go to a nice cocktail bar. A group of pissed men surrounds you and they keep trying to all get your attention all night long. Your partner finds it hard to have a good time. He objects and you say ‘but don’t you trust me!?’ Well yes he does, but the cloud of mosquito men around you are ruining his evening, and together you must dispense of them.

Similar situation here
I absolutely laid down the law
I have no issue with opposite sex friendships but this woman is seemingly obsessed with my dp and it was disrupting our relationship , think cancelling plans with me to go see her etc
He still sees her , in secret when he thinks I don't know
I'm on the fence about what to do about it
A month ago I demanded to meet her but he's basically just ignored this request since .

I'd treat her like a male friend of DH.

ie I would expect my partner to introduce us and for the friend to be round at ours sometimes, for the two of them to go out sometimes, and for us to go out in a group sometimes.

If that isn't happening it's because they have had a past connection or one of them wants to have a future connection. Either way it's excluding you.

So I'd keep my enemy close. Have her and her child round to yours. Be around them say every second time they meet up. Be uppermost in their minds. Be Lovely and welcoming to any of DH friends.

And ask DH why he doesn't include you at all and hasn't introduced you. See what he says.

I wouldn't appear to them to be all angry and questioning their relationship. That just pushes them together. Be the good cop. Bad cop comes later only if reqd.

If your sex life is ok it should be fine. In my experience guys will put up with anything if the sex is good. When it slows up they might start sniffing around elsewhere...

Sod that, have you a happy sex life 😠

So if op has disagreements in her relationship her husband is entitled to have this convinient back up available.

No thanks.

It appears op does not have one of these convinient back up men coming in and doing DIY and going on day trips with the kids etc.

I have seen how these cool women operate over the years, covering generational and social classes, at the end of the day, they insert themselves into other's relationships, can't mind their own buisness and many a union has broken up due to 'faux friendships'

Men tend to love these types of women, because they are cheeky, hold their own and are always available to give them an ego boost and almost always destroy the confidence of their partners.

Op if you have a husband that enjoys the company of one of these cool women that has a questionable reputation attached to her, then dump him.

He is not considering your feelings in this, the evidence is mounting up that she is not a safe friend for your h to have.

I wouldn’t like it if DH had a female friend who has a partner calling on him for diy jobs; I feel she’s treating your DH as her partner.
I’d be furious if Dh had photos of him and another woman at our marriage.
The recent flurry of play dates are almost certainly to facilitate her seeing more of your DH.
You need to be upfront with him; tell him you’re uncomfortable and that he needs to prioritize you.
Have you ever talked to him about the photos at your wedding? Tell him that they were inappropriate and that others felt so too.
if she calls asking for help tell him that you think her partner should do it; say you’d planned a night in for the two of you watching a film, whatever it is, just make it clear her demands are a very unwelcome intrusion.
Re play dates; say that you don’t want him going out with her and the children; it seems like he’s playing happy families with someone else. Drop off and pick up ok but you try to do those.
Hopefully she’ll detect a cooling off and fix her attention into someone else.