Compromise to keep the peace with abusive ex?

[Anewnamejustforthis]

There seems to be a genuine misunderstanding over DS7 dates with ex - I have politely stuck to what we agreed (by text) but he is furious at - he believes - being "cheated" out of a day with our son.

Should I stick to my guns (XH is disorganised but manipulative and also loves to play victim and cause chaos), or for the sake of the greater good should I offer to split the day (and change my plans slightly)? I am not willing to totally give in and let him keep DS all day.

Having DS just half the day would be disappointing for me, but it's not a hill to die on, but my ex is a bully and I usually grey rock and try not to give into him. I do not know what DS wants and cannot find out as I am not able to speak to him whilst he is with his father, who is telling me that DS wants to stay, which is not what DS said to me before I dropped him off; right now I imagine XH will be telling my son that I am not allowing him to stay.

Dealing with my ex is exhausting and I try to shield our son from it as much as possible whereas his father discusses every perceived slight with him, and then DS gets upset on his father's behalf and angry with me.

Is offering compromise the best option here, much as it sticks in my throat? I don't like being bullied but I need to protect DS somehow.

Is offering compromise the best option here, much as it sticks in my throat? I don't like being bullied but I need to protect DS somehow.

I wouldn't, but then I don't know your ex. Appeasement is rarely the best way of dealing with bullies. You can protect your son by being the consistent, stable, adult parent.

Dealing with my ex is exhausting and I try to shield our son from it as much as possible whereas his father discusses every perceived slight with him, and then DS gets upset on his father's behalf and angry with me.

There is a golden mean between saying nothing to your son (allowing his father's narrative to go unchallenged) and being manipulative ( as your ex is being), which is age appropriate honesty. In this case, you can tell your son that Daddy has the dates wrong. You can say that Daddy has got mixed up. You can say that it is your day with him, not Daddy's, and that Daddy is wrong. Daddy is an adult and it's not our job to stop him ever getting upset. Daddy is responsible for his own emotions, it's not our job to do everything he wants. Daddy can't have everything his own way. (Not all of them, just examples, you may find some fit better than others.)

Thank you @OneLollipop your advice has helped me navigate a tricky 24 hours; my ex is behaving worse than he did before we separated and it's sometimes hard to keep myself level so that I can be the steady one for our boy.

I did offer a compromise in the end, and he angrily refused it - I think he gets more mileage (and familial sympathy) out of imagining himself the hard-done-by victim, rather than us maintaining a civil co-parenting approach, which he has set back considerably with his latest outburst...it will be a while before I feel anything other than hostile towards him, and I'm not very good at masking my emotions, which I know isn't great for DS.