I don’t think I’m over him.

[Jackandalice]

I do not know if this is the correct place to post this, but I’m feeling so sad and I’m missing my ex husband so much. We were married for 30 years and we split 3 years ago because he cheated on me.

I wouldn’t take him back, I know my life with him would be terrible, but I miss him. I don’t see me ever being with anyone else, but I just don’t see myself getting over him (we were together since we were teenagers).

I know I shouldn’t think about him but I do, I can’t help it. I think of him with the OW being all happy, playing happy families, and here’s me, still missing him, struggling financially, worrying about my future.

I’ve been crying so much these past few weeks, maybe it’s because of the time of year? I do try to make myself busy throughout the year, I do have friends and family that I can see, but I don’t speak to them very much about how I’m feeling, they just tell me to get over it, it’s been 3 years but I’m finding it really hard. I’ve never been with anyone else ever, it’s always just been him.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to get over this.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, it really is horrible. This time of year is definitely worse for feeling awful about lost love.

It depends on the situation but if someone has cheated on you I really don’t think it’s a good idea to ever go back to that relationship even if it was an option and it doesn’t sound like it is.

Have you had any therapy to try and work through your feelings?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I don’t want to go back with him even if he asked me I wouldn’t go there. I just feel so sad, much more sad than I did last Christmas.

I have had therapy in the past, I can’t afford it now I’m afraid.

I understand how you feel x I was married for 14 years and we broke up because he was abusive. He moved on very quickly and I still miss him. I hate what he did to me but I can’t help missing him, especially when I see all my friends still married in secure supportive relationships and it’s another Xmas and another new year on my own. I dated someone this year and I thought finally I had met someone nice and everything clicked. He started lying to me and ended things cruelty and abruptly! It seems everyone manages to meet a nice guy and I’m still struggling x I totally understand how you feel x my kids are great and I’ve joined a new gym x Keeping busy helps x I think it’s just harder this time of year x

Hi OP,sorry to hear this

Would it help to draw a picture of you, next month, in months and next year.

Visualise what you would like to be doing. Draw it, then try and work out some steps towards it.

I know it's hard, but have a go, and see where your picture takes you xx

Was the marriage a happy one before he cheated OP? I was married for 25 years when my dh cheated, and it came out of the blue. I think it does take longer to get over if you perceive your marriage was a happy one. And Christmas is always particularly difficult. It’s good you have friends and family. Maybe focus on booking some breaks away next year with friends, go to some gigs. Lots of older bands out there atm, touring, going back over the decades. Take up a hobby. Join a group who do something you’re interested in. Anything to help you move on. It’s very hard, and despite people expecting you to get over something like this after a couple of years, the reality is that sometimes you can never recover fully from it, but you just have to find a way to live the best life you can.

Good advice here, OP.

It is hard to get over a long love. But doing things that feel worthwhile can give your life a sense of meaning.

Spend time with new and old friends, doing things you enjoy and trying new activities, taking some fun exercise and getting outdoors. Find the things and people who bring you joy. Best of luck. It does take time xx

I can understand how you are feeling, and why this has knocked you a bit so long after the divorce. The grief process isn’t linear, so just because you thought you’d moved on it doesn’t mean that you won’t feel the grief again at some point again. Hopefully each time it’ll be a bit easier though.

I left my ex husband 3 years ago after finding out he had been spending thousands on sex workers. Life had been, to my knowledge, pretty good. I’ve never regretted leaving him but I do sometimes feel really sad about the loss of ‘normal family life’, parenting children with the other parent ie sharing responsibility, the fact that I’m a single mum and all the challenges that brings. That life has not turned out how I hoped. But I still wouldn’t go back, and know that I’m happier without him. Christmas morning was tough, it was my first single Christmas in 10 years (I met someone quite quickly after separating but broke up this summer). I wallowed for a bit then focused on what I did have and it ended up being a lovely day.

im getting through the hard times by keeping a journal, when I’m feeling really sad I write letters saying everything I want to say, obviously these only go in my journal. I’m also working hard to feel happy in myself, to find myself again and focus on being a happier person/mother, more successful in my career. It’s a slow process but it’s helping and I’m ending the year in the best place I’ve been emotionally for years. It doesn’t mean that I might not feel sad again tomorrow.

i hope you feel better today. Focus on yourself this year and be kind. You had a significant loss and you don’t get over those quickly. All the best for 2024.