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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse thoughts

12 replies

Mila44 · 30/12/2023 17:56

A good friend and I have had a major disagreement on opinions of DV. My thought is it can happen to anyone as a relationship often starts out well. Her opinion is that a woman who has a strong personality wouldn’t put up with anything that was remotely abusive and would leave straight away. We had this conversation a few weeks ago and tbh I’m still really annoyed by it.
she gave me an example of a friend of ours who has a very strong personality and said she certainly wouldn’t put herself in a vulnerable position and wouldn’t put up with any kind of abusive behaviour!!!
Thoughts ?

OP posts:
Backinthedress · 30/12/2023 18:00

What a load of bullhickey. There's a certain type of man that takes particular relish in bullying strong, independent women. I genuinely believe anyone can be vulnerable to abuse given the right circumstances and victim blaming is very foolish and unfair. That being said some people are more vulnerable than others, such as those who grew up in abusive households. That doesn't make them weak or pathetic though, it just means their boundaries aren't fully in place to protect them.

Figgygal · 30/12/2023 18:01

Your friend is wrong do they usually see things so simplistically?

Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 18:04

I started my 23 year relationship with my exh as the most confident, outgoing and strong woman you could meet. I ended it broken, so gaslighted and abused I didn't know who I was any more. Your friend is so wrong.

Original poster
Mila44 · 30/12/2023 18:04

No not at all which is why I was so surprised at her opinion

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 18:04

Backinthedress · 30/12/2023 18:00

What a load of bullhickey. There's a certain type of man that takes particular relish in bullying strong, independent women. I genuinely believe anyone can be vulnerable to abuse given the right circumstances and victim blaming is very foolish and unfair. That being said some people are more vulnerable than others, such as those who grew up in abusive households. That doesn't make them weak or pathetic though, it just means their boundaries aren't fully in place to protect them.

So well put.

coodawoodashooda · 30/12/2023 18:07

Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 18:04

So well put.

Show quote history

It happened to me and I'm as hard as nails. Your friend is a fool. Although, honestly ten years ago I may well have thought the same as her.

EdithStourton · 30/12/2023 18:07

Bloody hell, she's talking claptrap.

A friend of mine, very strong personality and a lot of common sense, was slowly entangled in an abusive relationship . She says she should have got out, but at the time, she was blind to the extent of the problem.

Then he nearly killed her.

TooBigForMyBoots · 30/12/2023 18:26

Backinthedress · 30/12/2023 18:00

What a load of bullhickey. There's a certain type of man that takes particular relish in bullying strong, independent women. I genuinely believe anyone can be vulnerable to abuse given the right circumstances and victim blaming is very foolish and unfair. That being said some people are more vulnerable than others, such as those who grew up in abusive households. That doesn't make them weak or pathetic though, it just means their boundaries aren't fully in place to protect them.

This.

Tiny2018 · 30/12/2023 18:28

Can confirm from personal experience, your friend is very, very wrong.

TeenLifeMum · 30/12/2023 18:31

I think there are situations where she is right but also more subtle abuse and manipulation that grows over time. It’s a weird kind of power but they take confident women and break them down.

KnowsWhatAGiraffeIs · 30/12/2023 18:31

Your friend obviously hasn't seen the fetish amongst some men to "destroy" a strong independent woman. There are men out there who plan it to the minutest detail.

Pashazade · 30/12/2023 18:34

I thought that when I was younger, never understood why women didn't just leave, I got older and wiser oh and joined Mumsnet and had my eyes opened to the awfully insidious nature of abuse whatever form it takes. Unless you are able to do one strike and you're out then it could happen to you. From everything I've read on here there are remarkably few women who are able to take that route, have enough faith in themselves, have learnt about sunk cost fallacy and walk the moment a red flag appears.

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