Is it really over?

[DazedAndConfusedHere]

I think my marriage is pretty much over, but how can I be sure?

We’ve had a terrible year as a couple, which I won’t bore you with all the details of. We have been married for 4 years, together 12. We don’t have children.

I just feel like I want more from my life. I love my husband, but I don’t look at him and think phwoarrr. Nor do I think I’m in love with him anymore. It makes me incredibly sad, as the old me couldn’t imagine I’d ever feel like this about him. I used to idolise him. But life has happened, there has been historic infidelity, I’ve been taken for granted, he’s been busy with work, so have I and it’s just not the same.

He is my safe place, my home and my family. But I don’t feel I love him like a wife should love a husband, and I think maybe someone else could love him more. He however still loves me “just the same as always”.

Does it sound like it’s over? If you’ve been through divorce, was there a lightbulb moment or did you eventually feel like you were done? Any pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated.

In my experience the women separates emotionally over a long period then it's just over she mourns what it should have been but the emotional side of it being over are done. The man is never over until its officially worded or he finds a ow

Sounds like you maybe had him on a pedestal op. Or maybe it’s just run its course, it happens.

I honestly don't know what you're waiting for. Every second with him is one more wasted. Get out and get divorced. Be eternally grateful you don't have children with this man.

Considering there's no kids I think maybe it's worth considering whether or not the marriage is worth saving. But...

The thing is, you talk about loving this person. And marriage isn't just about romantic love imo. It's about growing together and sticking together through thick and thin. It's about being with someone who has your corner. It's about the vows you made.

So I think you owe it to your marriage to consider first, if it is your LIFE that is unhappy, not your relationship. And that perhaps you think he's responsible for that when in fact if you made other changes, to become happier in your life you might in turn be happier with him.

Also, to consider if any issues in the marriage can be resolved through conversation. If he is a good person, he should understand when you tell him things that he needs to change in order to make you feel supported. And be able to follow through.

Bare in mind that'll romantic love where they love you and you them and you are right for eachother is hard to find. So if you leave, do so in the knowledge that it is to potentially be single for the longterm (So you need to be OK with that). Don't leave looking for another grand romance and end up realising the grass was greener before.

That being said, you mention being taken for granted, which can absolutely be a deal breaker in a marriage. If for example, there isn't that support from him...or you feel he just hasn't had your back. I suspect that has already been a bone of contention. And it also sounds like the 'historic infidelity' (him?) still bothers you.

I don't want to encourage you to stay in an unhappy relationship. But I also think its important to say 'the grass isn't always greener'. So if you leave, be sure you are leaving for you and not for a 'what if'. Wherever we go, we take ourselves along with us. Perhaps you will find that being single gives you more freedom to soar. Or perhaps you will look back and think that the chains you had in the relationship, were of your own making...and you miss him.

Excellent post @Pinkbonbon

@Pinkbonbon - thank you. That’s a lot to think about.

I think you’re right, it is my life that is unhappy but I think he is the main cause. The type of life I want, I don’t think I will ever have with him. We enjoy different things and I think as I’ve “grown up” (met him at 20) I have of course changed, but I don’t feel he has changed with me/in the same way.

For example, I want to go salsa dancing, and on holiday to Goa and to Paris. He doesn’t want to do these things. so I think it is a bone of contention yes, that part of me almost feels that it’s his fault. It isn’t, I’ve allowed it, but do I carry on?

I think people grow and develop and change in different ways. Some people do a lot of inner work that cannot be so easily seen. Some people change more apparently. So I won't berate him for not having 'growth' as we are all on our own journeys.

But I quite understand how you can feel like he is...stagnating your life if you're at a point where you want to expand and rediscover some joy de vive and he's not up for that.

Maybe you could go to these places with friends? Or with a holiday tour group? Or even on your own. Although I suppose if you go go alone to somewhere like Paris...it may make you feel even moreso that he isn't the one for you.

Maybe traveling alone could be a good way to help you establish if you miss him or not. It could be a break away for a little while to see how you feel about everything.

I'm thinking of visiting France myself this year alone. I'm absolutely at that porlint at life where I don't want to let it pass me by anymore. But much is my struggle is my own self, putting responsibilities on myself that I don't actually have. Telling myself 'I need to change this one thing before i do this big thing' with stuff. Ultimately there will always be something else to do or change or that's stopping you but in reality often the thing that's actually stopping you, is just, you.

I guess its a case of thinking on if you can be 'seperate, together'. Like go and do all these great things and yet, be happy to come home to him.

@Pinkbonbon

I get what you’re saying, I do, but what if I just want him to want to do these things with me?

If I went abroad solo/with a travel group he would wonder why it was so important, or
would make me feel guilty (maybe not intentionally but I would).

I would like a partner who is adventurous and spontaneous. A man who can make a decision and doesn’t put all of the mental load of planning things on me.

Ans unfortunately that just isn’t him. But, as you point out, I did say I love him and I do. There are lots of other good things about him. So maybe I’m just asking for too much from one person?

There's a line in the song Exile by Taylor swift that hammered it home for me

You're not my homeland anymore.

That's what it felt like, the foundation and safety and security, the reliability, the wanting to return to this person all just took away. I felt scared of the future and sad about what we'd lost

I think sometimes we do expect a person to be all things. Rather than looking to get everything we need from other relationships too.

However, I don't like the sound of him making you feel guilty. Though it sounds like you may need to explore if he would or if like you sat, that's just how you FEEL. Maybe have a sit down discussion with him about needing to pursue some adventure. See how he takes it. If he us supportive of you, even if he himself doesn't want to join.

If he's never been a planner, that may never change. Though...he may be one of those sort who pretend to be incompetent in order to have you do all the work. I suppose you know his character as to which of these is more likely.

When you say he isn't spontaneous or an adventurer I think you are maybe actually saying - he doesn't show that he cares. He doesn't woo me. He doesn't look to bring joy into our lives.

So it might be fair to say that it's not simply a case of adding more to your life being what will bring you joy...but that cutting him out will release you from misery.

I guess it's a case of deciding which it is.
Sometimes love isn't enough.

No OP it sounds over. Go be free and have adventures and live your life. Don’t agonise over staying with someone who doesn’t recognise who you are - someone who will intentionally or unwittingly judge/disapprove/hold you back.

Who was unfaithful op ? It does sound as if you have just grown apart sadly.

@Shouldershoulder

He was, he slept with an ex multiple times over the course of a few months. I was young and blinded by love so stupidly took him back.

Then a couple of years later, when the situation presented itself, I ‘revenge’ slept with a colleague (once) to make myself feel better, surprisingly it worked. He doesn’t know, as I felt he didn’t need to, but in my head it evened the score. Childish I know.

How did you feel when you married him?

Because based on your update it doesn't seem like there was love when you cheated on eachother. It sounds like you actually hated him a little infact...even years after he cheated.

But stayed together because you had you kids maybe?

It makes me wonder...if you would have said you loved him back then, when that was obviously not exactly true. If you saying you love him now is true too.

It sounds more like there was some sort of unhealthy bond between you. Perhaps limerence in the beginning. That then formed into something toxic for a while and now maybe has mellowed out. But is more...familiarity than it is love.

We are here for such a short time. It sounds like it’s over, you want different things from life and that’s ok.

@Pinkbonbon

we don’t have any children. And I would say I did love him when we married, but I’d also say I loved him when I slept with someone else and that I still love him now. So maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t.

See...for my two cents- I don't know if love and hate really coexist.

I think we can be angry at people we love sometimes, of course. But feeling happy when we 'even the score' with someone...I don't think that happens when we are in love. It sounds more like being in a trauma bonded relationship. We have strong feelings for them but...

What's that saying? 'Love is patient, love is kind'

If, years after someone cheats on you, you cheat on them in kart due to vengefulness. I don't think that's love. I think its some messed up thing we've convinced ourselves is love because there are strong feelings involved.

Love is...loving.
If being with someone is bringing out vengefulness... and if you're also, not happy with who they actually are (as opposed to who you wish they were) then I don't know that I would categorise that as love.

Not saying everyone can't have a different interpretation of love or course.

But you'd think loving someone would bring out the best in you. And you, them.

.

My situation is very different in that we have children and there's been no infidelity, but I came to feel exactly the same way and after 20 years together I decided to end the marriage last month. Quite a pivotal moment for me was suddenly getting very intense feelings for someone else (a crush basically) which I didn't act upon, but it gave me the push I needed to make the move I've known needed to happen.
It's been extremely difficult and there's a long road ahead, but I'm so glad I have done it and can look to the future now. Until this year I thought I was going to be in this marriage to the end, just enduring the sex that I didn't want, and trying to pretend all was ok when it wasn't. Thankfully I realised that it would destroy me eventually to keep doing that. I actually wish I'd done this earlier. I think we will better apart, even if he can't see that yet.
Good luck, you deserve to be happy 😊