How do I sort my self esteem out??

[PussinFabergeEggs]

Not really a personal relationship issue, more a general relationship with others issue iyswim. I find that if family make any jokey comments about me i.e oh you aren't organised, you never put anything way etc, I really take it to heart and get really upset. I've had PND so although I've come through that really well, I am still pretty fragile in that area and want to work on it...

For example, a relative made jokes about me not putting lids on things when I've finished with them, but I was in my own home when this happened and I do have a toddler to see to and I actually think I'm pretty on the ball and organised with most things yet this comment reduced me to tears! What's worse, is that said relative is messy in her own home and yet I don't feel I can go back and say that as I'm too respectful...or too soft?? Mmmm

Any advice appreciated!

You could agree with them in a jokey way " Yes, I'm dreadful at putting lids on, aren't I?"

You could be mock angry " Oi, cheeky!" when someone says something you find hurtful.

It sounds like it is your behaviour they find OK to criticise, not you as a person, and I think altho its still am bit mean, is an important distinction. You could say " well, we can't all be perfect!"

Try to laugh it off then dismiss it. I don't think they are being deliberately nasty from what you say, just tactless.Relatives are great at that. Try to toughen up a bit in your responses,without being hurtful back, and see if they lay off a bit.

you need to learn to ignore these people. they are out to belittle you because they have ntohing better to do.
you are in your own home. whether you put lids on or not has nothing to do with having a toddler or not.

i'm like you! i think its a mixture of low confidence but also people's thoughtless comments. they may be joking but i'd never say something like 'oh god you're so disorganised, haha' to anyone in case i made them feel bad. you need to ignore people if you can, as you said you are on the ball and you are parenting a toddler. every night you should write down five things that you like about yourself generally and five things you accomplished that day. of course they can be so simple like-made my bed immediately after gettin up, magaed to distract dc out of throwing a tantrum in shopping centre etc...sounds cheesy but if you force yourself it could help after a while

*managed to distract

That's a good idea - kind of reinforcing the good things about myself iyswim?? My family aren't out to deliberately put me down btw, I think its just something families are good at doing without realising it!! lol I do find it very hard to deal with though. I should toughen up and brush it off but find it very hard!

Try to remember that when other people have issues with you, say things about you that it is infact because of THEM not because of YOU, does that make sense?

I see exactly what you mean!! DH suggested maybe a couple of counselling sessinons would help but not sure...

Do you mean for the both of you?

When people criticize me for not getting washing off the line for three days (or whatever) I always say, 'I know. Please don't touch it. It's an experiment I'm doing'. Totally bizarre reply to a totally uncalled for comment

I think unfortunately some people find it easy to criticise, and do it without realising it can be hurtful and taken personally, but really hard to compliment others. I'm guilty of the not complimenting thing too, I often think nice things about friends and family but never actually say it!? Definitely make an effort to compliment yourself though, that's a great idea.

It depends really. My In laws and parents are very very controlling so when they make comments there is usually more to it and when they go away I know they will be discussing it and I will be found wanting. Is it like that for you? It does tend to make me more touchy than I should be I suppose. Sometimes unnecessary criticism is disguised as "jokes". I think this happens alot in families. When I was growing up there was an awful lot of "joking" and it does chip away at you. However this may not be the case for you. Comments about lids would just be met with deliberately vague smile by me but I would probably be self conscious about it after wards.

well you could try saying at these points " yeah but aren't I lovable" or " have a chat with yourself" then smile.
make me feel better anyway.. and usually ends up with everyone smiling which is good for your happy chemicals in your brain... which then help with the way you feel about yourself.
xx

I would say its deeper rooted, they may class critisising you as 'joking'. But its not funny is it? So therefore its not a joke. They are critising the way you do things. That is hurtful. I agree with your dh, councelling. And I think your family are at the root of the problem. I'm guessing there hurtful behaviour isn't a one off?

Don't get me wrong, my family are very supportive and loving, but the 'jokes' do wear me down. I don't think for one minute they realise how much they are affecting me so maybe its down to me to make a stand and let them know I don't like it?

Thing is, I was a typical moody teenager when younger and I still never hear the end of it so on the odd occaisions I have snapped back, I've got oh don't you start, we had enough of you when you were younger and I then say well I'm not like that anymore, I was a teenager then ffs, and they then say yes well, can't blame us for jumping off in the deep end given your history

I could understand it if my teenager years were spent shagging the local druggie down alleyways and mainlining crack at weekends but I was very well behaved in that sense. Just moody and a smart mouth iyswim?

Okay try

"When you do x y z, I feel really [insert emotions here]"

Try one at a time, mother first? Or whoever has more contact.

If you are on the spot and they say it, try...

"actually I feel really angry/cross/hurt that you just said that" and leave a long silence.

That is not disrespectful...its telling them how you feel without attacking them. It leaves them room to say 'sorry I did not know'...

It may make you feel uncomfortable to think about actually doing this...but its that or you carry on letting them speak to you like this. It is not on, and you do deserve respect from them, esp in your own home.

TBH...if they were sensitive nurturing loving souls they would not talk to you like this...