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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some advice

21 replies

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 21:41

After 16 yrs of a happy relationship, two beautiful boys and a good life my dh has told me that he is no longer in love with me, but that he does still love me. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. I have 2 ds, 4 and 10 months. Where do we go from here

OP posts:

pukkapatch · 16/03/2008 21:43

no where.
what does he want to do? jack in both your lives because he wants to have a miudlife crisis?
tell him to stop being a selfish twit

Dior · 16/03/2008 21:44

Message withdrawn

SSSandy2 · 16/03/2008 21:44

My SIL recently went through the exact same scenario. We all could not understand it/him. Where does he want to go from here?

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 21:47

Well where does you DH want to go from here?

Being 'in love' always passes though, and if it is replaced by actual love, then that makes a good relationship, or that's what I always thought...

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:05

It's been a difficult year. I had a baby in Apr 07 and have been suffering from anxiety and PND? since November. He says that because I have been difficult to live with for the past few months his feelings have changed. Fucking charming if you ask me as I have supported him through some extremely difficult times through the last 16 years and if anything they just made me feel closer to him and more determined to make the very best family life that he deserved. Look what fucking good it has done me now!

The thing is that what is starting to happen is that with all this bad feeling and things that he is saying to me I'm beginning to doubt my own feelings. He says that he doesn't want to leave the kids and me (I suspect it's the kids keeping him here rather than me) I can't live like this though.

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up hating him for the way he is making me feel now. As I write he is lying next to me in bed asleep and I feel like smacking him round the face several times!

I'm not sure that simply loving someone is enough for me. That's what I expect when we are in our old age - Not now when I'm only in my early 30's. Although we've been together for a long time we've always kept our relationship alive and fresh. I've never been tempted in 16 yrs to stray iykwim. Now I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

madamez · 16/03/2008 22:07

I hate to be crude, but are you still having sex with each other? And if not, is this because you don't want to have it? Because this could be about your DH feeling that if there is no sex and not going to be any for the foreseeable future, the relationship is not the same any more.

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:17

madamez - don't worry your question is a valid one. No I haven't put a block on sex and never have. Baby was born April and by July things for a time were better than ever. It all fizzled out October and funnily enough I became aware of his feeling which he kindly told me about after we last had sex. If that isn't enough to put someone off I don't know what is though. This type of behaviour on his part is so out of character. We've seen a number of friends over the years split and divorce, yet we always seemed so strong and devoted. I haven't told any of my friends as they would be shell shocked by it all.

I just can't get my head round why he feels this way. I'm not perfect and yes I have my faults, but don't we all. I've tried to look after myself since dcs came along. I haven't let myself go. I take pride in everything that I do.

Talking to him just doesn't seem to be helping. He says he needs to work his feelings through himself, but you either love someone or you don't. I don't understand what there is to think about.

OP posts:

Dior · 16/03/2008 22:18

Message withdrawn

MadameCh0let · 16/03/2008 22:22

Would he be jealous if you met somebody else? Does he miss you when you're not there? If something happesn, are you the first person he tells?

Don't be afraid to rock the boat by asking him what this revelation actually means for your future. Did he tell you this just to hurt you, to be honest (!) or does he want things to change or to split up??

Love shmove. Being with somebody for 16 years isn't that exciting perhaps. But you're in the same boat as he is.

madamez · 16/03/2008 22:23

Funnybunny, sorry this is happening to you. He does have to work out what his feelings are, but you would not be unreasonable to ask him for certain commitments ie to consider some counselling and not just to up and leave. However, sadly, if one person comes to a decision that they no longer want to be in a relationship then there is nothing the other person can do.

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:23

Dior, I don't think so but you never know. An incident did happen late last year when he was away working. He rang me on his mobile and told me that he'd just got up, was about to have a shower and go to breakfast. We ended the call, but somehow without realising he redialled home immediately after ending the call to me. I answered and heard him talking to a female about what to have for breakfast. I definitely heard a womens voice and as he said he had just got up he clearly wasn't in the reception area or restaurant. When questioned about he he promised it was nothing and has since continued to deny anyone was there. I can only take his word for it. In his defence for the last 16 years he has been a fantastic partner and soul mate. It just makes his recent behaviour so out of character

OP posts:

Dior · 16/03/2008 22:24

Message withdrawn

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:28

Dior, I hope so too. I'm not sure anything is going on as he is either at work or home with the dcs. He does work hard and long hours and if he is late home it's because he is driving home from a daytime meeting in say Birmingham or Southampton. His job is demanding and I'm not sure he has the time to be fair. I maybe wrong though

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lucyellensmum · 16/03/2008 22:32

funnybunny, are you getting any help or treatment for your depression?

I have been in a similar sort of situation. I had terrible pnd, although i wouldnt accept it or get help. I completely changed, was awful to DP, who in turn, was awful back. He said to me once, that every time i was shit to him his feelings for me lessened, that i he couldnt look at me and that he had nothing left. He was crying when he told me this - i begged him to stay, for DD, and a YEAR later i got help for my depression. We are still together, he loves me, he never stopped loving me - is he in love with me? I don't know. But i love him dearly, he is my soul mate, and i his. Without ADs i would have lost him. DD is nearly three now, and i think THINK we are in it for the long run, incedentally, we have been together 16 years too.

I just think that your DP is floundering, he doesnt know what to do to help you, he may not even recognise you need help. Of course this isnt all down to you - its not a question of blame, it could well be that he needs help too. I know my DP did but would never accept it. Things change when you have children, and i think when you have been together a long time before children that change can almost be harder to adapt to. We were exactly the same, the envy of all our friends with our rock solid relationship. Well, we are still together, but "in love" what is that anyway? honestly? It is unreasonable to expect your tummy to flip every time you see your partner, for the sex to be explosive etc, is that what he misses, i know i do. But it is replaced with something stronger, i just wonder if that transition is hard to get through.

Give your DP some time and space, don't bug him with questions. I remember speaking to a close friend of mine who had been working with DP during a really rough patch, i remember saying to him, look, DP says he loves me, but i need reassurance. HE said some wise words, tough, you cant keep pushing, you need to give him some head space.

Im waffling because im tired and ill (d+v). But i dont think this is the end, but a sign that you could both do with some help here.

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:42

I went to the doctors about pnd and I am in doubt about the diagnosis as I am not depressed. I certainly don't feel depressed - I feel anxious and with the current situation who wouldn't. I know anxiety can be linked to pnd but so can many other sypmtoms. The reason I feel anxious and tired is because I'm fearful of my future with dh and have been for some time. I tried ads - they made me feel dreadful. He has lived with these feelings for 6 months, although I have only had them confirmed by him recently. How long does he need for ffs and how long should I let him mess with my own feelings

OP posts:

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 22:43

Sorry Lucy, meant to add hope you're feeling better soon. I'm afraid I am an emetophobe, can't think of anything worse than d and v. You have my sympathy!

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lucyellensmum · 16/03/2008 22:58

i was put onto ADs for anxiety, it was quite extreme to be honest, i didnt think i was depressed either, but we are all different. You are right, it is unfair of him to drop such a bombshell and expect you to sit and wait, i just dont know what pushing the point will achieve. Maybe suggest some counseeling?

MrsMacaroon · 16/03/2008 22:59

...sounds a bit 'affair-esque'... I hope not but the hotel story sounds dodgy. Try not to blame depression etc for this too much- chances are it's got nothing to do with it. It's normal to feel down and anxious when something like this is happening. Have either of you suggested couples counselling?

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 23:05

As much as I try to remain as calm and civilised about the whole thing it is very hard, especially being a full time mum at home every day. He gets to go out to work and at least have his mind taken off things for a while. I'm not too bad during the day when I am busy but like now he's asleep, I'm awake and it all plays on my mind. Because I'm not feeling the most patient at the moment, something as you know you need oodles of to deal with young children I have to stop myself from over reacting if they do something wrong or accidentally. I'm so worried for my boys who deserve none of this. It's heartbreaking and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:

madamez · 16/03/2008 23:15

Madame Cholet is right to suggest that you ask him what he actually expects/wants to happen now he has said that. And it would be reasonable, if he says he doesn;t know, to give him a bit of a time limit ie he can't just expect to faff around leaving you in limbo indefinitely.

Original poster

funnybunny1 · 16/03/2008 23:29

madamez, not knowing what to do is draining and means my mind is constantly going over it all trying to justify and work it all out. However, if he turns round and says that its over I'd feel even worse. Why are some people never satisfied with their lot in life. I've told him though that I would never end it and tell him to go. If that's what he wants then he has to be man enough to do it and explain to the dcs that it is his decision. I will not shoulder his guilt if he leaves us. As for counselling I don't know if I'm to angry at the moment for that. Has anyone else been through relate or similar?

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