Ended abusive relationship, don’t feel better

[vanillaeo]

Finally ended what I have realised was a highly abusive relationship. It went on for years and I tried to leave multiple times, the most I got away for was a few months and I blocked him everywhere but he managed to get in touch and I fell for it again.

I’ve ended the relationship for good now but I feel worse than ever. I feel genuinely traumatised by everything he put me through and I feel like I will never feel normal or happy again. My life is ruined

I don’t know why I’m posting, I feel so alone and I haven’t slept at all last night, I’ve been lying awake tossing and turning wondering how I ended up in this position. I genuinely felt better in the abusive relationship than I feel now, I’ve managed to do everything wrong part of me wishes I hadn’t rocked the boat and just stayed with him, it was better than this hell

He cheated on me throughout our relationship
lied about it and told me how paranoid I was, he told all our friends/family that I was paranoid and crazy

He was really controlling and couldn’t stand me going out or socialising with men, I never cheated but he was literally cheating while accusing me

I had to answer his calls and messages straight away, I was always anxious because I knew he would blow up if I wasn’t available at all times. But sometimes he would disappear for days on end doing drugs and probably cheating and I’d be worried sick wondering at what point I should start calling hospitals incase he had been in some kind of accident

He was really coercive sexually and did a lot of questionable things

He was so intense all the time and wanted so much of my energy.

If I expressed any emotional needs at all, he would take it really badly and try and make out I was a really difficult, needy person

He would call me the most awful horrible names, shout at me and tell me it was my fault and he just couldn’t deal with my shit anymore

He told everyone who would listen that I was doing all of the things which he actually did, he totally lied and twisted everything

There’s so much more if I wrote a proper list it would go on forever. I just want to be done with this now but I feel like it will all follow me around forever

Ive been there...25 year relationship..i lost myself...he was abusive, mentally .It's taken a long time and im still not the best. You'll need counseling, take up the freedom programme too. You need time to do what you want...its codependency youre feeling. Its also very new singledom..get out..join meetup...go meet new people, not men for dating but people x

Please ring us at womens aid...today. we can support and advise you..also please do the freedom programme xxx

It's now a year since I ended a 20 year abusive relationship and I too feel pretty shit still (although I am starting to finally see tiny little chinks of light!). It takes time, a long time, years even to process it all and to start to feel better. You have to allow the feelings and acknowledge that you definitely did the right thing despite feeling dreadful. I still have frequent thoughts of I wish I'd stayed, I should have been better, I bet he's got a new girlfriend and how lucky is she and I bet he doesn't abuse her. What's helped me is reading lots about abuse and educating myself on it. I still occasionally refer back to it to remind myself. Also, I made lists of all the terrible things he did to me (It's a long list!) and I read it again sometimes and feel certain all over again that I did the right thing. Have you read much about things like trauma bond and how abuse alters your brain chemistry?

Well done for getting out.

Things will get better, you need to give yourself time to come to terms with what you went through and start recovery.

When a person's been held hostage for years, you wouldn't expect them to be instantly recovered from trauma once freed, would you?

But at least out of the relationship, you can start finding yourself again and building a happier life.

Get some support through Women's Aid or the Freedom programme or (trauma-informed) counselling if you can.

Well done for leaving. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did.

You have been through something traumatic and I would advise therapy.

Look after yourself. Treat yourself. Be in the company of kind family and friends.